Gabon struggles to prepare for AFCON

With less than a week to go before the Africa Cup of Nations is due to kick off in Gabon, major doubts have been raised about the country's ability to stage the competition.
Despite having previously co-hosted the AFCON with Equatorial Guinea in 2012, Gabon is woefully under-prepared and has had to rely on outside help after tournament sponsors - multinational oil giant Total - officially announced that they would not be lifting a finger.

Ikea has agreed to donate several hundred standing lamps to cover for the inadequate floodlights, while Sports Direct has donated footballs and match official accessories - albeit on the condition that Newcastle United have first dibs on the Gabonese youth team, at the insistence of company chief executive Mike Ashley.
 A whip-round of loose change in the Manchester United dressing room fetched in the region of 12 million pounds, which will be spent on 'party packages' for visiting FIFA dignitaries.

Messi set to go one further than scorpion kick

Not to be outdone by the spectacular scorpion-kick goals scored recently by Giroud and Mkhitaryan, Lionel Messi is said to be working on a new move that he hopes to employ when Barcelona travel to Villarreal on Sunday.
The move is known as the 'anteater', and involves guiding the ball goalbound through defenders' legs using only his tongue.

Other moves spotted on the Barcelona training pitch include the 'roosting kestrel' - whereby Neymar tosses Messi in the air before Suarez supplies the ball that he carries on his back into the goal - and the 'gnat' which involves making such a nuisance of oneself that the opposition defenders decide to give up and go home.

Premiership club with 'Russian links' has staff expulsed

An unnamed leading West London Premier League club with Russian connections has had several foreign members of its technical staff kicked out of of Britain. The drastic Home Office measures are in solidarity with the US government decision to expulse Russian diplomats following accusations of state-sponsored computer hacking.

A Home Office spokesman refused to name the club nor give any further details, other than cryptically predicting a twist in this year's title race.

The news comes just days after a four year-old girl was tasered in Market Harborough when she was found playing with a Russian doll. The government has repeatedly denied it is behind a media campaign of anti-Russian propaganda.

More details to follow.

The latest transfer window gossip

Our experts have rounded up some of the latest transfer window rumours:

- Arsenal mascot Gunnersaurus Rex to Inter Milan, who need motivating

- Joe Hart to Liverpool on loan, provided he play as an outfield player

- Darren Bent and David Bentley to Jiangsu Suning for combined fee of £140m

- Joey Barton to simultaneously manage both Swansea and Hull

- Maria Sharapova to MK Dons on free transfer

Pards to Barça?

Sacked Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew looks set to take over the hot seat at Barcelona. The Catalan giants, who trail rivals Real Madrid by three points in La Liga, are said to be keen on appointing the former Charlton boss as soon as possible to bolster their title challenge.

Pardew, known in Spain as El Pards, is a huge celebrity in the country due to his energetic touchline dance moves and his silly face.

However, not everyone believes his appointment would be the right move for Barcelona: former defender and club legend Carles Puyol described Pardew as a "dancing fool", while bookmakers have lowered their odds on Barça playing in next year's Europa League.

Man Utd might move to China

Manchester United chairmen Joel and Avram Glazer have indicated that they intend to move the club to China if they fail to make the top four this year.

The Glazers are said to have sent a messenger boy to deliver a wax-sealed message to club management informing them of imminent redundancy should the club face another season without Champions League football. Staff were told that leaving for China has to be better than playing freezing Thursday night Europa League games in Kazakhstan - or home games in Manchester, for that matter.

The news comes just days after it was revealed that referee Mark Clattenburg has signed a lucrative four-year contract to perform in the Chinese Super League, where he already has a large cult following and his own brand of refereeing accessories.

Arsenal v Bayern annual fixture confirmed

UEFA have confirmed that Arsenal and Bayern Munich will play their annual Champions League tie. Prior to the draw for the second round, there had been talk of a possible change to the traditional fixture but it was eventually decided not to, since there have been more than enough upsets recently, such as the election victory of Donald Trump or the deaths of Prince and Pete Burns.

Arsenal are the only London team left in the Champions League, after Tottenham were pipped to second place in their group by Liechtenstein's FC Vaduz; Chelsea failed to qualify for the Champions League since they were managed by some useless Portuguese bloke last year.

Manchester City host Monaco, while Premiership champions Leicester travel to Seville, where Jamie Vardy is expected to collapse from heatstroke.