MONACO 2026

Monaco looks certain to win the bidding for the World Cup in 2026, after all the other bidders dramatically dropped their plans to host the festival of soccer and sunshine. 
FIFA officials were impressed at Monaco's plans to build ten stadiums in a row in a gated compound on King Albert's private property due to be reclaimed from the sea in 2025. The beautiful democratic Mediterranean sovereign nation promises to spend at least £15bn on construction, with a further £3bn earmarked for security. Ticket prices will start at £10,000 for group stage matches, and a pioneering scheme has been proposed where knockout stage matches will be played in front of an exclusive audience composed of Bilderberg Group members and NATO officers, with 0.5% of all entry fees being donated to the Peaches Geldof Trust for unhappy professionals.
 Haiti, Burkina Faso and Somalia issued a joint statement announcing their decision to withdraw from the bidding, since the IMF refused each country a loan to pay for the competition courtesy fee, believed to be in the region of £250m. The news coincides with Monaco's acceptance as a permanent member of the UN security council.

QATAR 2022

Pards hoping to avoid the big guns

The final draw for the Democracy Cup in Qatar takes place this afternoon, and Alan Pardew's men will be crossing their fingers that it is a kind one. FA chairman Prince William flew in to the Qatari capital Doha yesterday with Pardew and UK sports ambassador Cara Delevingne.  Sir Elton John and David Furnish will also attend the event; they will be renewing their wedding vows for the tenth time before the draw as part of FIFA's Respect initiative. 

Earlier this morning a small but vocal group of anti-capitalist protestors staged a demonstration outside the Doha Hilton, but the Qatari police managed to shoot them all by breakfast. The protestors were understood to be unhappy at the awarding of the official World Cup catering contract to controversial US security company Blackwater. 

England NatWest/Help For Heroes are in pot 3, so could find themselves up against the likes of Germany BMW or Argentina Betfred. The English delegation will attend the event wearing "Find Maddie" armbands and striped poppies for servicemen in Helmand with cancer.