Footballs Today has seen a leaked copy of a rambling 300-page letter written by Jose Mourinho offering his services to Barcelona FC. Leading psychologists have described it as exhibiting "classic signs of delusion."
The manager, dismissed last year by Chelsea after a spate of poor results, elaborates at length in the letter on his strengths, claiming that "nobody knows how to park the bus or harangue referees anymore in this so-called modern game", before laying out his contract stipulations, which include a yacht bigger than that of Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich.
It is understood that ex-Chelsea and England captain John Terry has been sent by concerned relatives to gently break the news to his former boss that his services are no longer required by top clubs.
Mourinho himself this morning told reporters at his crumbling mansion on Sunset Boulevard that he was 'ready for his close-up'.
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