Concerned staff at Manchester United have spoken to the press about alarming secret plans by new manager Jose Mourinho.
The unnamed whistleblowers told assembled reporters at Manchester Piccadilly bus station that the temperamental Portuguese supremo intends to implement a nuclear deterrent in defence, inspired by parliament's vote last night to renew Trident nuclear submarines at an estimated cost to the nation of 205 billion pounds.
Members of the club's training staff supposedly met representatives of BAE Systems in order to discuss how to employ the so-called nuclear shield, capable of detecting a strike on goal from deep within the opposition's half.
A direct attack on goal would trigger an explosion large enough to reduce Greater Manchester to a crater, while the ensuing radiation would directly affect most of the UK for many generations to come.
Mourinho is said to have lost faith in goalkeeper David De Gea after his nervous performance against Croatia at Euro 2016.
Critics, including ex-CND chairman Bruce Kent and singer Charlotte Church, have slammed the plans as irresponsible and dangerous. However, football pundit and former cheat Robbie Savage leapt to Mourinho's defence, calling it "undoubtedly effective", before going on to tip the club to win the league.
No comments:
Post a Comment