New World Cup format to include everyone

FIFA President Gianni Infantino today outlined his proposals for an expanded World Cup format.

 Infantino showed reporters a napkin and a cigarette packet on which he had drawn some of his ideas, which include:
Abolishing qualifying rounds and expanding the finals to include all countries and territories in addition to historical ones such as New Holland, Mercia, East Prussia and Gondwanaland; lengthening the competition duration to four years; shortening matches to 10 minutes, which would be decided by a bake-off in the event of a draw; abolishing handball and offside offences in order to encourage more goals.

Under the new proposals corporate sponsors would be able to bid for the national teams' names: preliminary deals are already said to have been struck, including BMW Germany, Santander Spain and Betfred England. Match officials would be supplied by private security contractor Academi.

Cesc gets Fernandinho's ban

The FA has rescinded Manchester City player Fernandinho's red card awarded during Saturday's ill-tempered match against Chelsea, and instead given Cesc Fabregas a retroactive three-match ban for his role in the fracas that followed Sergio Agüero's violent lunge on David Luis.

An FA spokesman told astonished reporters: "Having reviewed video evidence of the incident, we feel that Mr Fernandinho was entirely justified in his reaction to Mr Fabregas, who acted throughout in a manner befitting a cartoon weasel in a great big flowery blouse. The jury was not impressed by Mr Fabregas's pacifist Gandhi-routine, which followed the cheeky slap he thought he had got away with."

Chelsea manager Antonio Conte was unavailable for comment, but fan club spokesman Raymond Cist told reporters where to stick their microphones in no uncertain terms.

Pards says Palace defenders were doing Mannequin Challenge

Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew has claimed his side's disastrous defending against Swansea last week was because they were doing the 'Mannequin Challenge'.
Palace defenders appeared to be standing around rooted to the spot during several of Swansea's goals during the 5-4 defeat. However, Pardew explained that they were merely copying the popular viral internet trend.

"I really don't see what all the fuss is about - we were merely entering into the spirit of things. If Man City had done it, you'd all be calling Guardiola a genius."

Pardew recently made the news after calling for Palace's sash to be reintegrated into their kit design; he claims the club derives power from its sash.

Increase in xenophobic attacks on footballers

Anti-racist campaigners have raised concerns about the sharp rise in xenophobic abuse of footballers post-Brexit.

 Several incidents involving high-profile players have been reported during recent weeks, including Chelsea midfielders Eden Hazard and Willian, who were assaulted at a training session by members of the public for being too flash.

Mesut Özil closed his Twitter account after he was inundated with abusive messages accusing him of using fancy European footwork instead of traditional British footballing moves.

One anonymous campaigner told Footballs Today that some players were too frightened to play short, skilful passes.

However, German Leicester defender Robert Huth said that some players need to do more to integrate: "I've been in this country for years with no problems whatsoever, because I made the effort to adapt to the British way of life by learning how to elbow players in the ribs and boot the ball into the stands. I've been doing it ever since and the fans love it."

Refs to be outsourced to G4S

The government is set to give the green light to the outsourcing of football match officials in England and Scotland to private security contractor G4S.

The news is likely to provoke an outcry from critics, amid concerns over the corporatisation of the game and its implications for referee impartiality and competence.

A spokesman for G4S said on Newsnight that the company was perfectly capable of supplying professional-quality referees and line officials, and would under no circumstances be colluding with bookmakers or looking to appease shareholders at certain football clubs.

However, independent football watchdog Offside UK has raised questions about the standard of refereeing G4S will offer, after it emerged that their registered match officials include disgraced former MP Neil Hamilton and wife Christine, 'Shoe Bomber' Richard Reid and Mark Thatcher, who tasered a 74 year-old defender to death by mistake in a charity match.

Jose in Fidel funeral snub

Jose Mourinho has been barred from attending Fidel Castro's funeral. The hapless Portuguese former big-timer was due to travel to Havana for the state funeral as the representative of European football, but his visa was rejected by the Cuban authorities, who felt he was too much of a wanker. Instead, Joey Barton and Gary Lineker will join Diego Maradona and others as they lay a wreath on behalf of ordinary working footballers.

Although Castro was more enthusiastic about baseball than football, his legacy is regarded by many as a major advance in the fair treatment of sportsmen and women. However, not everybody in the world of football saw his role as a positive one: a statement condemning the Cuban leader's undemocratic despotism, signed by several owners and shareholders of major Premiership clubs - including Roman Abramovich, Stan Kroenke and the Glazer brothers - was read out by Paolo Di Canio outside the House of Lords. The irony was not lost on one passerby, who was heard giggling before being neutralised by anti-terrorist units.

Mourinho victim of bad karma

Religious leaders have tried to explain the spate of tragic football news this week, most notably the Chapocoense plane crash but also the historic sex abuse allegations in the UK.

The Pope told a Vatican press conference that everything was part of God's mysterious plan, and it was not ours to question why such awful things have to happen to innocent people. We had better continue worshipping God lest we make Him even more angry; we wouldn't want Him to unleash another bout of Black Death on us. His thoughts were echoed by his counterparts in religions throughout the world.

The Dalai Lama took the opportunity to confirm that Jose Mourinho's run of bad luck is due to karma. The exiled Tibetan Buddhist leader told reporters he believed Manchester United continue to drop points in matches they dominate as payback for Mourinho's previous managerial incarnations as a smug tosser.
However, former Chelsea and England captain John Terry was quick to condemn the Dalai Lama's verdict in a series of vitriolic tweets that were later deleted, in which he described the spiritual leader as a "Jealous bald cunt who can't even kick a ball", and that he should "Fuck off back to Nirvana".

Mourinho is currently still being held at a Manchester police station after being arrested for kicking a water bottle during Sunday's home draw against West Ham. It's the third time this season he's been detained, having previously been caught twice trying to obtain nuclear weapons. The FA is expected to issue an order limiting him to watching games chained to the radiator in the staff canteen for the rest of the season.