Mourinho victim of bad karma

Religious leaders have tried to explain the spate of tragic football news this week, most notably the Chapocoense plane crash but also the historic sex abuse allegations in the UK.

The Pope told a Vatican press conference that everything was part of God's mysterious plan, and it was not ours to question why such awful things have to happen to innocent people. We had better continue worshipping God lest we make Him even more angry; we wouldn't want Him to unleash another bout of Black Death on us. His thoughts were echoed by his counterparts in religions throughout the world.

The Dalai Lama took the opportunity to confirm that Jose Mourinho's run of bad luck is due to karma. The exiled Tibetan Buddhist leader told reporters he believed Manchester United continue to drop points in matches they dominate as payback for Mourinho's previous managerial incarnations as a smug tosser.
However, former Chelsea and England captain John Terry was quick to condemn the Dalai Lama's verdict in a series of vitriolic tweets that were later deleted, in which he described the spiritual leader as a "Jealous bald cunt who can't even kick a ball", and that he should "Fuck off back to Nirvana".

Mourinho is currently still being held at a Manchester police station after being arrested for kicking a water bottle during Sunday's home draw against West Ham. It's the third time this season he's been detained, having previously been caught twice trying to obtain nuclear weapons. The FA is expected to issue an order limiting him to watching games chained to the radiator in the staff canteen for the rest of the season.

Football clubs obliged to have even more strips

Radical new regulations regarding football strips in England and Scotland are set to be applied next season. Sports Minister Tracey Crouch has given the go-ahead for the rule change, under which clubs will be required to wear a completely different strip for each game.

Business leaders including Sir Richard Branson and Lord Sugar yesterday voiced their approval of the decision; many applauded the government's strong hand in obliging clubs to diversify their home colours and offer a wider range of shirts for supporters. These are thought to include:

Chelsea's 7th kit in rhubarb and custard
MK Dons' 27th kit in nicotine yellow with 3-D chevrons
Southend United's 3rd Tuesday night kit in oatmeal and puce with mallard-green polka dot sleeves
Bury's special Pancake Day kit featuring a purple sash and a denim headband


However, the move is likely to go down badly among fans, many of whom are already unhappy at the  ever-increasing variety and cost of shirts. In the past, teams would play away matches in their home colours unless they coincided with those of the opponent, whereas now most teams have two away strips which they rotate.
A spokesman for independent football watchdog Offside UK told us: "Football shirts can cost 60 pounds, with new designs every year. We feel the pressure on fans to buy at least 40 shirts for their kids would be a step too far."

The news comes in the same week that the FA announced England would henceforth be playing all matches in "Fallen Red" - shirts soaked in the blood of British heroes who died for freedom during the unprovoked invasion of Iraq  - despite contravening strict FIFA laws on the use of political symbols.

Mourinho sacks himself

Jose Mourinho has accidentally sacked himself as Manchester United manager.  It happened after Saturday's home draw against Arsenal, in which United dominated the match but conceded a late Olivier Giroud equaliser.

According to eyewitnesses, the handsome but volatile Portugee was so dismayed by the result he impulsively fired the manager on the spot, instructing staff to seize his club ID and change the combination to his office lock.

Police were called to United's Carrington training ground Monday morning after Mourinho was refused entry and started vandalising a vending machine in anger. Reports suggest the matter has now been resolved.

Mourinho had initially blamed both referee Andre Marriner and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich for the confusion, before players managed to convince him that he had in fact dismissed himself.

Investigation reveals football legends were deviants

In light of the shocking news that Wayne Rooney was spotted having drinks past his bedtime three days before a meaningless friendly international match, Footballs Today has uncovered a startling legacy of widespread misbehaviour at the very top of the football world.

Our investigative journalists found that many of football's most revered players from the past were serial individualists who not only drank and smoked, but went so far as to have dissenting political opinions. Several of them were even photographed without remembrance poppies.

The revelations will undoubtedly lead to calls for a major reassessment of the now tainted legacy of players such as Diego Maradona, Johann Cruyff, George Best and Socrates. The full list will be named and shamed in the Mail on Sunday.

We have passed on details to the police of one incident in the 1970s when Fulham players Rodney Marsh and Bobby Moore shared a bottle of rum and a doobie during open play in an FA Cup match.

Pep bans exciting music

More details have emerged of Pep Guardiola's regime at Manchester City, following news that he instructed his players not to have sex after midnight. In an effort to minimise strain on the players' bodies, the Spaniard has also banned music likely to excite or agitate, and has drawn up a list of artists deemed safe to listen to.

Guardiola's assistant Brian Kidd told reporters: "Most footballers have a pretty dull taste in music to be honest, so they're not too bothered about listening to nothing but Adele or Coldplay. One or two of the lads are missing their rap music, but it hasn't been a problem - except for Pablo Zabaleta, who refused to hand over his Herbie Hancock albums; as a punishment he has to play in jeans for two weeks and train in the park with Samir Nasri."

Guardiola suggested players read something inspirational at bedtime instead of having sex, so he has distributed bibles and korans; non-religious players have had to make do with Richard Branson autobiographies.

Trump U-turn on football

US president elect Donald Trump has made a dramatic U-turn on his policy towards football. The tycoon had previously vowed to make football illegal should he win the presidency, describing it as an un-American import.

However, he has instead indicated a policy reversal by appointing Michel Platini and Sepp Blatter as his chief sports advisors. Trump is said to be impressed by their entrepreneurship in the face of bureaucracy.

Speaking off the cuff in his bathrobe, Trump told a press conference the USA would offer to host the Africa Cup of Nations due to be held in Gabon next year, as a friendly gesture to counterbalance accusations of racism. The offer was later retracted in a series of uncharacteristically coherent tweets.

Government looks to ban fantasy football

The British government has appealed to the UN, requesting a total ban on fantasy football sites after it emerged that the popular online game is being used to convey tactical messages between pro-Syrian government forces.

MI6 officers discovered that certain fantasy formations are used as code to send messages in order to coordinate movements around Islamist insurgent-held East Aleppo.

They noticed that an attacking formation of Aguero, Lukaku and Costa was followed several times by heavy air bombardment, whereas a forward line of Janssen and Rooney appeared to indicate a ceasefire. Worsening weather conditions were communicated by making a Man Utd player captain.

Prime Minister Theresa May yesterday pledged to cut public spending on disabled pensioners in order to establish an emergency fund for improving Islamist rebels' knowledge of Premier League football. She warned that otherwise the war would be over far too soon.