Gabon struggles to prepare for AFCON

With less than a week to go before the Africa Cup of Nations is due to kick off in Gabon, major doubts have been raised about the country's ability to stage the competition.
Despite having previously co-hosted the AFCON with Equatorial Guinea in 2012, Gabon is woefully under-prepared and has had to rely on outside help after tournament sponsors - multinational oil giant Total - officially announced that they would not be lifting a finger.

Ikea has agreed to donate several hundred standing lamps to cover for the inadequate floodlights, while Sports Direct has donated footballs and match official accessories - albeit on the condition that Newcastle United have first dibs on the Gabonese youth team, at the insistence of company chief executive Mike Ashley.
 A whip-round of loose change in the Manchester United dressing room fetched in the region of 12 million pounds, which will be spent on 'party packages' for visiting FIFA dignitaries.

Messi set to go one further than scorpion kick

Not to be outdone by the spectacular scorpion-kick goals scored recently by Giroud and Mkhitaryan, Lionel Messi is said to be working on a new move that he hopes to employ when Barcelona travel to Villarreal on Sunday.
The move is known as the 'anteater', and involves guiding the ball goalbound through defenders' legs using only his tongue.

Other moves spotted on the Barcelona training pitch include the 'roosting kestrel' - whereby Neymar tosses Messi in the air before Suarez supplies the ball that he carries on his back into the goal - and the 'gnat' which involves making such a nuisance of oneself that the opposition defenders decide to give up and go home.

Premiership club with 'Russian links' has staff expulsed

An unnamed leading West London Premier League club with Russian connections has had several foreign members of its technical staff kicked out of of Britain. The drastic Home Office measures are in solidarity with the US government decision to expulse Russian diplomats following accusations of state-sponsored computer hacking.

A Home Office spokesman refused to name the club nor give any further details, other than cryptically predicting a twist in this year's title race.

The news comes just days after a four year-old girl was tasered in Market Harborough when she was found playing with a Russian doll. The government has repeatedly denied it is behind a media campaign of anti-Russian propaganda.

More details to follow.

The latest transfer window gossip

Our experts have rounded up some of the latest transfer window rumours:

- Arsenal mascot Gunnersaurus Rex to Inter Milan, who need motivating

- Joe Hart to Liverpool on loan, provided he play as an outfield player

- Darren Bent and David Bentley to Jiangsu Suning for combined fee of £140m

- Joey Barton to simultaneously manage both Swansea and Hull

- Maria Sharapova to MK Dons on free transfer

Pards to Barça?

Sacked Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew looks set to take over the hot seat at Barcelona. The Catalan giants, who trail rivals Real Madrid by three points in La Liga, are said to be keen on appointing the former Charlton boss as soon as possible to bolster their title challenge.

Pardew, known in Spain as El Pards, is a huge celebrity in the country due to his energetic touchline dance moves and his silly face.

However, not everyone believes his appointment would be the right move for Barcelona: former defender and club legend Carles Puyol described Pardew as a "dancing fool", while bookmakers have lowered their odds on Barça playing in next year's Europa League.

Man Utd might move to China

Manchester United chairmen Joel and Avram Glazer have indicated that they intend to move the club to China if they fail to make the top four this year.

The Glazers are said to have sent a messenger boy to deliver a wax-sealed message to club management informing them of imminent redundancy should the club face another season without Champions League football. Staff were told that leaving for China has to be better than playing freezing Thursday night Europa League games in Kazakhstan - or home games in Manchester, for that matter.

The news comes just days after it was revealed that referee Mark Clattenburg has signed a lucrative four-year contract to perform in the Chinese Super League, where he already has a large cult following and his own brand of refereeing accessories.

Arsenal v Bayern annual fixture confirmed

UEFA have confirmed that Arsenal and Bayern Munich will play their annual Champions League tie. Prior to the draw for the second round, there had been talk of a possible change to the traditional fixture but it was eventually decided not to, since there have been more than enough upsets recently, such as the election victory of Donald Trump or the deaths of Prince and Pete Burns.

Arsenal are the only London team left in the Champions League, after Tottenham were pipped to second place in their group by Liechtenstein's FC Vaduz; Chelsea failed to qualify for the Champions League since they were managed by some useless Portuguese bloke last year.

Manchester City host Monaco, while Premiership champions Leicester travel to Seville, where Jamie Vardy is expected to collapse from heatstroke.

New World Cup format to include everyone

FIFA President Gianni Infantino today outlined his proposals for an expanded World Cup format.

 Infantino showed reporters a napkin and a cigarette packet on which he had drawn some of his ideas, which include:
Abolishing qualifying rounds and expanding the finals to include all countries and territories in addition to historical ones such as New Holland, Mercia, East Prussia and Gondwanaland; lengthening the competition duration to four years; shortening matches to 10 minutes, which would be decided by a bake-off in the event of a draw; abolishing handball and offside offences in order to encourage more goals.

Under the new proposals corporate sponsors would be able to bid for the national teams' names: preliminary deals are already said to have been struck, including BMW Germany, Santander Spain and Betfred England. Match officials would be supplied by private security contractor Academi.

Cesc gets Fernandinho's ban

The FA has rescinded Manchester City player Fernandinho's red card awarded during Saturday's ill-tempered match against Chelsea, and instead given Cesc Fabregas a retroactive three-match ban for his role in the fracas that followed Sergio Agüero's violent lunge on David Luis.

An FA spokesman told astonished reporters: "Having reviewed video evidence of the incident, we feel that Mr Fernandinho was entirely justified in his reaction to Mr Fabregas, who acted throughout in a manner befitting a cartoon weasel in a great big flowery blouse. The jury was not impressed by Mr Fabregas's pacifist Gandhi-routine, which followed the cheeky slap he thought he had got away with."

Chelsea manager Antonio Conte was unavailable for comment, but fan club spokesman Raymond Cist told reporters where to stick their microphones in no uncertain terms.

Pards says Palace defenders were doing Mannequin Challenge

Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew has claimed his side's disastrous defending against Swansea last week was because they were doing the 'Mannequin Challenge'.
Palace defenders appeared to be standing around rooted to the spot during several of Swansea's goals during the 5-4 defeat. However, Pardew explained that they were merely copying the popular viral internet trend.

"I really don't see what all the fuss is about - we were merely entering into the spirit of things. If Man City had done it, you'd all be calling Guardiola a genius."

Pardew recently made the news after calling for Palace's sash to be reintegrated into their kit design; he claims the club derives power from its sash.

Increase in xenophobic attacks on footballers

Anti-racist campaigners have raised concerns about the sharp rise in xenophobic abuse of footballers post-Brexit.

 Several incidents involving high-profile players have been reported during recent weeks, including Chelsea midfielders Eden Hazard and Willian, who were assaulted at a training session by members of the public for being too flash.

Mesut Özil closed his Twitter account after he was inundated with abusive messages accusing him of using fancy European footwork instead of traditional British footballing moves.

One anonymous campaigner told Footballs Today that some players were too frightened to play short, skilful passes.

However, German Leicester defender Robert Huth said that some players need to do more to integrate: "I've been in this country for years with no problems whatsoever, because I made the effort to adapt to the British way of life by learning how to elbow players in the ribs and boot the ball into the stands. I've been doing it ever since and the fans love it."

Refs to be outsourced to G4S

The government is set to give the green light to the outsourcing of football match officials in England and Scotland to private security contractor G4S.

The news is likely to provoke an outcry from critics, amid concerns over the corporatisation of the game and its implications for referee impartiality and competence.

A spokesman for G4S said on Newsnight that the company was perfectly capable of supplying professional-quality referees and line officials, and would under no circumstances be colluding with bookmakers or looking to appease shareholders at certain football clubs.

However, independent football watchdog Offside UK has raised questions about the standard of refereeing G4S will offer, after it emerged that their registered match officials include disgraced former MP Neil Hamilton and wife Christine, 'Shoe Bomber' Richard Reid and Mark Thatcher, who tasered a 74 year-old defender to death by mistake in a charity match.

Jose in Fidel funeral snub

Jose Mourinho has been barred from attending Fidel Castro's funeral. The hapless Portuguese former big-timer was due to travel to Havana for the state funeral as the representative of European football, but his visa was rejected by the Cuban authorities, who felt he was too much of a wanker. Instead, Joey Barton and Gary Lineker will join Diego Maradona and others as they lay a wreath on behalf of ordinary working footballers.

Although Castro was more enthusiastic about baseball than football, his legacy is regarded by many as a major advance in the fair treatment of sportsmen and women. However, not everybody in the world of football saw his role as a positive one: a statement condemning the Cuban leader's undemocratic despotism, signed by several owners and shareholders of major Premiership clubs - including Roman Abramovich, Stan Kroenke and the Glazer brothers - was read out by Paolo Di Canio outside the House of Lords. The irony was not lost on one passerby, who was heard giggling before being neutralised by anti-terrorist units.

Mourinho victim of bad karma

Religious leaders have tried to explain the spate of tragic football news this week, most notably the Chapocoense plane crash but also the historic sex abuse allegations in the UK.

The Pope told a Vatican press conference that everything was part of God's mysterious plan, and it was not ours to question why such awful things have to happen to innocent people. We had better continue worshipping God lest we make Him even more angry; we wouldn't want Him to unleash another bout of Black Death on us. His thoughts were echoed by his counterparts in religions throughout the world.

The Dalai Lama took the opportunity to confirm that Jose Mourinho's run of bad luck is due to karma. The exiled Tibetan Buddhist leader told reporters he believed Manchester United continue to drop points in matches they dominate as payback for Mourinho's previous managerial incarnations as a smug tosser.
However, former Chelsea and England captain John Terry was quick to condemn the Dalai Lama's verdict in a series of vitriolic tweets that were later deleted, in which he described the spiritual leader as a "Jealous bald cunt who can't even kick a ball", and that he should "Fuck off back to Nirvana".

Mourinho is currently still being held at a Manchester police station after being arrested for kicking a water bottle during Sunday's home draw against West Ham. It's the third time this season he's been detained, having previously been caught twice trying to obtain nuclear weapons. The FA is expected to issue an order limiting him to watching games chained to the radiator in the staff canteen for the rest of the season.

Football clubs obliged to have even more strips

Radical new regulations regarding football strips in England and Scotland are set to be applied next season. Sports Minister Tracey Crouch has given the go-ahead for the rule change, under which clubs will be required to wear a completely different strip for each game.

Business leaders including Sir Richard Branson and Lord Sugar yesterday voiced their approval of the decision; many applauded the government's strong hand in obliging clubs to diversify their home colours and offer a wider range of shirts for supporters. These are thought to include:

Chelsea's 7th kit in rhubarb and custard
MK Dons' 27th kit in nicotine yellow with 3-D chevrons
Southend United's 3rd Tuesday night kit in oatmeal and puce with mallard-green polka dot sleeves
Bury's special Pancake Day kit featuring a purple sash and a denim headband


However, the move is likely to go down badly among fans, many of whom are already unhappy at the  ever-increasing variety and cost of shirts. In the past, teams would play away matches in their home colours unless they coincided with those of the opponent, whereas now most teams have two away strips which they rotate.
A spokesman for independent football watchdog Offside UK told us: "Football shirts can cost 60 pounds, with new designs every year. We feel the pressure on fans to buy at least 40 shirts for their kids would be a step too far."

The news comes in the same week that the FA announced England would henceforth be playing all matches in "Fallen Red" - shirts soaked in the blood of British heroes who died for freedom during the unprovoked invasion of Iraq  - despite contravening strict FIFA laws on the use of political symbols.

Mourinho sacks himself

Jose Mourinho has accidentally sacked himself as Manchester United manager.  It happened after Saturday's home draw against Arsenal, in which United dominated the match but conceded a late Olivier Giroud equaliser.

According to eyewitnesses, the handsome but volatile Portugee was so dismayed by the result he impulsively fired the manager on the spot, instructing staff to seize his club ID and change the combination to his office lock.

Police were called to United's Carrington training ground Monday morning after Mourinho was refused entry and started vandalising a vending machine in anger. Reports suggest the matter has now been resolved.

Mourinho had initially blamed both referee Andre Marriner and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich for the confusion, before players managed to convince him that he had in fact dismissed himself.

Investigation reveals football legends were deviants

In light of the shocking news that Wayne Rooney was spotted having drinks past his bedtime three days before a meaningless friendly international match, Footballs Today has uncovered a startling legacy of widespread misbehaviour at the very top of the football world.

Our investigative journalists found that many of football's most revered players from the past were serial individualists who not only drank and smoked, but went so far as to have dissenting political opinions. Several of them were even photographed without remembrance poppies.

The revelations will undoubtedly lead to calls for a major reassessment of the now tainted legacy of players such as Diego Maradona, Johann Cruyff, George Best and Socrates. The full list will be named and shamed in the Mail on Sunday.

We have passed on details to the police of one incident in the 1970s when Fulham players Rodney Marsh and Bobby Moore shared a bottle of rum and a doobie during open play in an FA Cup match.

Pep bans exciting music

More details have emerged of Pep Guardiola's regime at Manchester City, following news that he instructed his players not to have sex after midnight. In an effort to minimise strain on the players' bodies, the Spaniard has also banned music likely to excite or agitate, and has drawn up a list of artists deemed safe to listen to.

Guardiola's assistant Brian Kidd told reporters: "Most footballers have a pretty dull taste in music to be honest, so they're not too bothered about listening to nothing but Adele or Coldplay. One or two of the lads are missing their rap music, but it hasn't been a problem - except for Pablo Zabaleta, who refused to hand over his Herbie Hancock albums; as a punishment he has to play in jeans for two weeks and train in the park with Samir Nasri."

Guardiola suggested players read something inspirational at bedtime instead of having sex, so he has distributed bibles and korans; non-religious players have had to make do with Richard Branson autobiographies.

Trump U-turn on football

US president elect Donald Trump has made a dramatic U-turn on his policy towards football. The tycoon had previously vowed to make football illegal should he win the presidency, describing it as an un-American import.

However, he has instead indicated a policy reversal by appointing Michel Platini and Sepp Blatter as his chief sports advisors. Trump is said to be impressed by their entrepreneurship in the face of bureaucracy.

Speaking off the cuff in his bathrobe, Trump told a press conference the USA would offer to host the Africa Cup of Nations due to be held in Gabon next year, as a friendly gesture to counterbalance accusations of racism. The offer was later retracted in a series of uncharacteristically coherent tweets.

Government looks to ban fantasy football

The British government has appealed to the UN, requesting a total ban on fantasy football sites after it emerged that the popular online game is being used to convey tactical messages between pro-Syrian government forces.

MI6 officers discovered that certain fantasy formations are used as code to send messages in order to coordinate movements around Islamist insurgent-held East Aleppo.

They noticed that an attacking formation of Aguero, Lukaku and Costa was followed several times by heavy air bombardment, whereas a forward line of Janssen and Rooney appeared to indicate a ceasefire. Worsening weather conditions were communicated by making a Man Utd player captain.

Prime Minister Theresa May yesterday pledged to cut public spending on disabled pensioners in order to establish an emergency fund for improving Islamist rebels' knowledge of Premier League football. She warned that otherwise the war would be over far too soon.