TV mentalist Derren Brown has defied the pundits by emerging as a frontrunner for the vacant England manager's position. An FA insider told Footballs Today that senior officials believe Brown's command of mind control could prove useful on the football pitch.
While it is generally accepted that England's scarcity of world class talent renders them doomed to mediocrity, Brown's powers could instead be turned on England's opponents - in the best case scenario causing them to break down in tears and call for their mummies. If that doesn't work it is hoped he can always try to brainwash the referee into disallowing opposition goals.
Meanwhile, big-nosed England caretaker manager Gareth Southgate is said to have ordered the manager's seat to be reupholstered after his short-lived predecessor Sam Allardyce managed to stain it beyond repair with an array of condiments.
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