Big Sam says xmas football not busy enough

Sunderland boss Sam Allardyce has controversially blamed his team's poor form on a lack of fixtures during the holiday period.

At a time when several foreign managers have complained about the busy Christmas fixture schedule in England and the impact it has on their squads, the veteran manager has taken the opposite view.

Allardyce claims his players respond best to the pressure of constant football, which he sees as an integral part of the English game:
"I don't see why we have to wait an entire 48 hours to entertain our fans who are desperate to escape their boring in-laws around Christmas, just because some caviar-nibbling bureaucrats in Geneva or wherever think we play too much. My lads are itching to get out there and perform; by the time the next matchday comes along they've lost their mojo, to be honest. In my day we used play round the clock. I think for the money these boys earn, they can afford to miss out on a turkey dinner for a couple of days."

Blattini and Jose set to form rival 'Dark FIFA'

Sacked football moguls Sepp Blatter, Michel Platini and Jose Mourinho are set to create their own breakaway football organisation, dubbed 'Dark FIFA' by commentators. The maverick organisation is supposedly inspired by T.H.R.U.S.H from the Man From U.N.C.L.E. television series.

It is believed the trio intend to stage a rival World Cup on a floating nuclear missile launchpad hovering over the South Pole, and are understood to have attracted a number of prominent names from the world of football such as ex-Chelsea chairman Ken Bates and Norwich majority shareholder Delia Smith.
The alternative World Cup would represent nations or regions which the troika feel have been unfairly abolished or superseded, much like themselves. An exhibition match of Northern Rhodesia versus Sudetenland is being planned for next year.

UEFA moves to ban GM footballers

UEFA has put the kibosh on the proposed introduction of genetically modified footballers after it issued a decree banning the technology from European football.

Biotech proponents had hoped to produce players designed to withstand common football injuries such as hamstring or ankle strains.
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, whose teams have long been plagued by injuries, was a vocal supporter of the scheme. However, UEFA chairman Michel Platini is known to favour more traditionally lucrative methods of treatment such as expensive drugs and replacement signings from non-European leagues.
West Brom manager Tony Pulis expressed his agreement with the ban, telling reporters he believed kicks to the shin helped toughen up players' immune systems.

Jose bottom of fantasy league

Jose Mourinho's managerial woes show no signs of easing up, after it emerged today that even his fantasy football team is bottom of his private league comprising friends and family members. 

The beleaguered Blues boss has doggedly stuck by his attacking line of Rooney, Agbonlahor and Borini despite the trio's paltry total of 2 goals so far this season. According to club insiders, Mourinho has even refused advice from his table-topping daughter, claiming that the official Barclays Fantasy Premier League is in cahoots with the devil himself.

Roman eyes Spielberg for Chelsea director job

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has given his strongest indication yet that he is losing patience with Jose Mourinho's ability to turn their faltering premiership campaign around. Sources at the club have revealed that the Russian mogul has approached Steven Spielberg about becoming Chelsea director of football.

Abramovich believes the Hollywood director can replicate his successful screen formula to direct Chelsea matches so that they have a broad family appeal and that Chelsea overcomes adversity to win in the end. A stipulation of the deal is understood to be the replacement of controversial striker Diego Costa with Spielberg favourite Matt Damon during the January transfer window.

However, PFA chairman Ritchie Humphries yesterday voiced concerns over the security of professional footballer's jobs if Hollywood actors are allowed fast-track admission to first team squads. He also cited Hull City owner Assem Allam's attempts to field a genuine Bengal tiger in Hull's starting eleven. Allam has repeatedly tried to have the club officially renamed Hull Tigers.

Wenger to start against Sunderland

Arsenal's injury crisis has led to some drastic changes ahead of Saturday's match against Sunderland.

 With a lack of available attacking options, Arsene Wenger will start himself up front alongside Olivier Giroud, while second choice goalkeeper David Ospina will make his outfield debut as a defensive midfielder, replacing club mascot Gunnersaurus, who twisted his ankle two minutes into last week's disappointing 1-1 draw at Norwich.
Korean forward Chu Young Park is due to be named on the bench, although his whereabouts are currently unknown. A club insider told Footballs Today that nobody could remember whether he left the club last year; concerns have been raised that he may have been locked in a toilet at Arsenal's plush London Colney training facilities since 2013.

Bookmakers Paddy Power are offering odds of 66-1 for Lee Cattermole failing to break Mesut Ozil's leg during the game.

Ref is hat-trick hero

Italian football faces fresh allegations of corruption after the referee scored all of AS Roma's goals in their 3-2 defeat of strugglers Carpi on Saturday.
The Italian media has reacted furiously, accusing the referee of having been bribed. However, Roma's American hedge fund investor president James Pallota told terrified reporters and domestic staff at his underwater mansion that the referee had merely had an "off day" and that any talk of bribery might result in an unfortunate accident, which he wouldn't like to see.

This is the most controversial incident involving a match official scoring a goal since referee Mike Riley famously scored a penalty for Man Utd against Arsenal in 2003.

Roy wants more Brazilians

England manager Roy Hodgson has called on the Home Office to fast-track naturalisation for Brazilian footballers in order to improve England's meagre chances of a successful European Championship campaign.
Speaking at the post-match press conference after England's disappointingly limp performance in Spain, Hodgson told reporters: "Every other country seems to have a Diego Costa or a Thiago Motta; by not having any Brazilians in the England squad, we are really losing out. The government can help by speeding up the naturalisation process - they did it for Zola Budd, and that was a huge success."

As a mark of solidarity with French victims of the terrorist attacks in Paris, the England players will wear stripy tops and a string of onions around their necks when they host France in a friendly at Wembley this week. The game will be preceded by two minutes of respectful smoking.

'Illuminati' behind Chelsea drop in form

Conspiracy forums across the internet were buzzing this morning after rumours emerged of a sinister plot behind Chelsea's recent poor results.

Photos purportedly showing NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg and US Secretary of State John Kerry shaking Chelsea club mascot Stamford the Lion's hand during the recent home defeat to Liverpool were posted on Facebook yesterday, but have subsequently been deleted. The photos soon prompted debate on whether the Premier League champions' spectacular drop in form is part of an intergovernmental plan to divert public attention from current affairs by making everyone laugh at Chelsea.

According to a spokesperson for hacktivist group Anonymous: "Governments throughout the world are sneaking through austerity measures and committing troops to wars virtually unopposed, since people are busy bent over in stitches laughing at how shit Chelsea are."

Others went further, many pointing out that Chelsea's dip coincides with Bayern Munich's unbeaten domestic campaign, which they claim indicates involvement of the Bavarian Illuminati.

Kop bops to Klopp's pop

Be prepared for a spate of Liverpool players appearing on Strictly Come Dancing after Jürgen Klopp revealed that one of the training ground methods he has used to help rejuvenate Liverpool since his arrival at Anfield last month involves dance.
The enthusiastic German has been putting his squad through its paces to the progressive pop/rock sound of Barclay James Harvest, a British band who were hugely successful in Germany during the 1970s and '80s.
"I was a little surprised that none of the lads had heard of the Harvest - in Germany they are gods", Klopp told bemused reporters on Monday. "Their music has all the elements needed for football choreography: powerful ballads for defensive solidity, dazzling up-tempo sections for aggressive play on the break, and lots of stuff that just makes you want to smile and enjoy football because it's a beautiful, crazy thing. All Germans will tell you they are a really super band - or 'naff', as I believe you say in English."

Media rounds on Celtic boo-boys

For the umpteenth year in a row there was media outrage after a vocal section of Celtic fans once again refused to honour the minute's silence of remembrance before their match at Ross County on Sunday.

A club spokesman said it was unacceptable that fans should refuse to conform to the media-led general consensus by expressing their invalid opinion. He said the club would atone for its sins by issuing a public apology and making a sizeable donation towards government efforts to topple the Syrian government using chemical agents, to show its goodwill towards the ongoing British war effort.

The Sun editorial went further, accusing Celtic fans of betraying their Irish republican brethren and calling for their deportation. It said the victims of the Bloody Sunday massacre would have felt honoured to be shot by patriotic British soldiers serving the cause of freedom, and if it weren't for them we'd all be speaking Irish now.
 It went on to point out that the poppy symbolises respect for all those who died to prevent the sort of militarised environment in which soldiers lay wreaths for martyrs on football pitches and political symbols are worn on football shirts.

US to call the shots in Euro football under new bill

Leaked documents revealing the extent of US-led corporate interference in European football under the proposed TTIP trade agreement have raised fears for the future of domestic leagues throughout Europe.
Under the controversial agreement European clubs will be obliged to maximise their interest to the American viewing public unfamiliar with the game, or risk being sued for loss of potential earnings.
The stipulations include:
- All London teams merging into one, Big Ben Cockney Kickers
- Anfield being renamed either Strawberry Fields or Penny Lane
- Lazio and Roma merging to form Rome Centurions, and wearing metal breastplates
- Bayern Munich playing in lederhosen and spiked helmets
- The Milan clubs moving to the USA, since most Americans have never heard of Milan
- Offside, handball and all infringement rules abolished, to avoid confusion over disallowed goals
- All black players joining one team, Africa Soccer Safari, since Americans are unaware of black Europeans, and also believe that Africa is one country, possibly in Europe

A petition signed by prominent campaigners and celebrities, including ex-footballers Gary Neville and Pat Nevin, was yesterday handed to UK Sports Minister Tracey Crouch outside the House of Commons. The petition calls for assurance from the government that the terms of the agreement will be rejected.
In contrast, UEFA president Michel Platini said the TTIP proposals opened up "exciting new avenues to explore".

Eva set to replace Mourinho

Roman Abramovich has indicated that his patience with beleaguered Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has finally run out, and that he is preparing to replace him with former first team doctor Eva Carneiro, controversially axed by the Blues boss after the first game of the season.

According to leaked emails obtained by Footballs Today, Abramovich is convinced that the title holders' drop in form is directly related to Carneiro's departure, and that she was the key to their recent success.
Since her dismissal, Chelsea have struggled to adapt to Mourinho's increasingly erratic team formations, which have ranged from a conventional diamond to a snowflake, spiral and even a swastika formation. Players and staff are also understood to be unhappy at Mourinho's insistence on treating injuries using homeopathy and water divining, which they feel is inadequate.

FA in Falklands World Cup bribery shocker

The FA has landed in hot water after sensational allegations were made concerning a bungled attempt at bribery by an FA delegation in order to secure the 2026 World Cup for the Falkland Islands.

 In a move apparently designed to antagonise the Argentinian government,  three senior establishment figures travelled on behalf of the FA to meet FIFA officials in Geneva to discuss the possibility of the Falkland Islands bidding to stage the world's largest sporting event, but were detained at Heathrow airport.

The trio have been named as Mark Thatcher, former tennis ace Buster Mottram and disgraced former peer Jeffrey Archer.

 It is alleged their intention was to hand over an enormous rucksack filled with cash as a bribe. However, they were foiled when they realised they had left the rucksack in the departure lounge pub, where they are said to have spent some considerable time.
The rucksack was found by bar staff, and was immediately removed and destroyed. It is believed to have contained in excess of ten million pounds in mixed currency and gold, according to hundreds of fellow pubgoers who witnessed Mr Thatcher loudly holding forth on the subject.

Thatcher and Archer were today unavailable for comment, but Buster Mottram told reporters: "It's a sad day indeed for the indigenous people of Albion when it becomes a crime to stand up for Great British football in the Falklands. We invented the game, after all. I mean what do the Argies know about football? Those latin types are no good at it - all their players are cheating ponces who no one remembers. "

Football 'must learn from rugby'

David Cameron yesterday took to Twitter to outline a government scheme to instil 'rugby values' in football players. The scheme would involve weekly classes for state school pupils and young offenders.

The Prime Minister has on several occasions in the past commented on the disparity in attitude between the two sports, and the need to instil greater discipline, respect for authority and patriotic pride in association football.

Highlights of the scheme include: cavity searches, biting and punching workshops, traditional fagging techniques, forfeit drinking rituals, chest puffing during the national anthem, aggressively erotic shower behaviour, and compulsory cross-country yomps for children who fail to wear a remembrance poppy.

Prominent celebrity opponents of the proposed scheme include Charlotte Church, Frankie Boyle and Russell Brand. Among other things, they are unhappy that the proposal is said to have been drafted by the Prince of Charles, controversially described by Boyle as "unelected".
Cameron hit back at his critics in a tweet, accusing them of being "ISIS apologists who should bugger off to Cuba if they don't like it here."

Big Sam is now Samantha

An undercover reporter has obtained evidence that Sam Allardyce is calling himself a woman in order to circumvent new positive discrimination laws designed to give women a better chance at landing top coaching jobs in football.
The law requires at least one woman to be interviewed for each managerial vacancy, but documents reveal how the former Bolton and Blackburn boss - affectionately nicknamed Big Sam - followed Caitlyn Jenner's example and declared himself a woman prior to his appointment as Sunderland manager last week, following the departure of Dick Advocaat.
A club spokesman yesterday denied any fraud had taken place, and confirmed that Allardyce , 61, will be receiving gender reassignment treatment, but that it may take a little longer than usual to complete.

Footballers and Faith

As part of our Spiritual Balls series looking at spirituality in ball sports, we spoke to several Premier League footballers about their beliefs and faith.

Glen Johnson: I wouldn't describe myself as religious as such, but I do believe there's something out there, maybe some kind of vibration or something.

Sadio Mane: My faith is very important to me. I know the Lord Jesus is with me every time I play; He guides me in the opposition box and keeps me onside, except when Satan intervenes and possesses the linesman. 

Gabriel Agbonlahor: I have no respect for atheists: they are idiots if they think a complicated game like football could just appear randomly out of thin air - the odds would be like a trillion thousand to one. 

Troy Deeney: I see God as a rainbow.

Charlie Adam: I was brought up by my grandfather, who schooled me in the old religion. Every beltane we make a giant bonfire and sacrifice a dog to the old gods. I find it gives me added strength on the football pitch.

Journeyman troika to manage Syria crisis

NATO sources have indicated that they are willing to accept Russia's proposal of a three-man liaison committee to coordinate air strikes against Islamic militants in Syria and Iraq.  The committee would consist of veteran Dutch football managers Guus Hiddink, Dick Advocaat and Martin Jol.

Russia believes the trio's extensive experience of managing struggling teams throughout the world under intense media scrutiny makes them the perfect candidates for international diplomacy.

Speaking from his North Sea holiday bungalow Advocaat, 68, yesterday told assembled beachgoers: "After managing Sunderland, Syria is a walk in the park."

Ticket prices set to rise due to defence costs

Ticket prices at premiership and Champions League fixtures are set to rise further, in spite of the recent spate of supporters’ protests. A Premier League spokesman said a price hike was inevitable due to the increased cost of security at top level football matches following the renewed threat of Russian, Iranian and North Korean aggression.

This week BAE Systems signed a multi-billion pound defence deal with the Barclays Premier League that obliges clubs to pay for the installation of military equipment such as surface-to-air missile launchers. It is understood stadiums will also be equipped with various nerve and blister agents to be used in the event of a successful enemy takeover of football grounds in England and Wales. Pitches will also be mined this summer to deter hostile combatants from having a kickabout during the off-season. 

Representatives of BAE Systems, Lockheed Martin and other major arms manufacturers will be laying a wreath at major football grounds on Remembrance Sunday in commemoration of all the weapons tragically lost in recent conflicts.

However, some anti-war activists have questioned the arms industry’s right to intervene in football. Former CND chairman Bruce Kent described the planned ‘nuclear dome’ over Wembley as a “possible cause for concern”. PM David Cameron addressed the government’s critics on Twitter, branding opponents of the scheme “Britain-hating quislings”. He also described the BAE/ Barclays Premier League deal as “combining two great things that Britain has given to the world: football and war.” 

Recall of Chelsea loanees causes widespread chaos

Professional football today sits on the brink of collapse and faces an uncertain future after Chelsea announced the recall of all of their loan players in order to help rescue their floundering Premier League campaign.
The move has depleted squads throughout the leagues, both home and abroad. All but a handful of matches scheduled for the weekend have been confirmed cancelled as clubs struggle to find enough players to field.
On the plus side, however, the situation has led to fantastic opportunities for youngsters across the world who would otherwise only dream of playing for professional clubs. Not least of them is Benny, a 9 year-old from Rochdale with severe muscular dystrophy who has found himself named as Rochdale captain for Saturday's home fixture against Fleetwood after the club management had heard talk of him being okay at football.

Early Bath by Ref

Sir Alex slams United legends

Sir Alex Ferguson has described his former Manchester United colleagues as "useless".

In his new book I Told You So the former Red Devils supremo claims the only world class signings he made during his 26-year tenure were the club mascot Fred the Red and a ballboy named Johnny.

"How I ever won so many domestic and European titles with that sorry bunch of shitkickers is beyond me; it must have taken some incredibly astute management by me. I tried in vain to leave a legacy at the club, but they insisted on appointing some useless Scottish bloke who I’d never heard of."

Some Alternative Football Chants

Ngog  -  "Ngog" to the tune of Mmbop by Hansen
Kroos  -  "Toni Kroos don't let me go" to Hold Me Close by David Essex
Distin  -  "Distin is coming like a ghost town" to Ghost Town by the Specials
Hangeland  -"We sang Hangeland as we ran with the gang" to Shang-A-Lang by the Bay City Rollers
Odemwingie  -  "Odemwingie, I'd like to go there" to Golden Lady by Stevie Wonder
Klose  -  "Move Klose, move your body real Klose" to Move Closer by Phyllis Nelson
Leeds Utd  -  "Leeds United, yes it feels so good" to Reunited by Peaches and Herb
Lallana  -  "La la la la la la la Lallana, I love you" to La La La by the Delfonics
Petit  -  "Petit, Petit, I'm so in love with you" to Denis by Blondie
Forlan  -  "I keep Forlan, Forlan, Forlan" to Falling by Alicia Keys
Yoshida  -  "Maya Yoshida" to Ai No Corrida by Chaz Jankel/ Quincy Jones
Berbatov  -  "Berbatov" to Shake It Off by Taylor Swift
Rondon  -  "Rondon Calling" to London Calling by the Clash
Shelvey  -  "Shelvey" to Kayleigh by Marillion
Jaaskelainen  -  "Jaaskelainen" to Motorbikin' by Chris Spedding
Mane  -  "Mane, Mane, Mane" to Money Money Money by Abba
Lukaku  -  "I should be Lukaku, kaku kaku kaku" to I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie Minogue
Inler  -  "I'm Not Inler" to I'm Not In Love by 10cc
Mata  -  "Juan Mata what I do" to Long Hot Summer by the Style Council
Dida  -  "Inagaddada-Dida" to Inagaddadavida by Iron Butterfly
Henderson  - "Try a little Henderson" to Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding
Ayew  -  "Ayew gonna go my way" to Are You Gonna Go My Way by Lenny Kravitz
Zabaleta  -  "One-eyed, one-horned flying Pablo Zabaleta" to Purple People Eater by Sheb Wooley
Depay  -  "Just gimme Depay" to Gimme The Night by George Benson
Toure  -  "Oh, we fade Toure" to Fade To Grey by Visage
Krul  -  "Krul Krul summer" to Cruel Summer by Bananarama
Wilshere  -  "Paper Jack Wilshere" to Paperback Writer by the Beatles
Benzema  -  "Ooh Karim Benzema, giving the ball away" to Giving It All Away by Roger Daltrey
Schweinsteiger  -  "Disco Schweinsteiger, we know how to do it" to Night Fever by the Bee Gees
De Bruyne  - "Don't stop me cause I'm Kevin de Bruyne, I don't want to stop at all" to Don't Stop Me by Queen
Van Persie  -  "You got me beggin' you van Persie Persie Persie" to Mercy by Duffy
Szczesny  -  "How I wish I was lying in the arms of Szczesny" to Arms of Mary by Sutherland Brothers and Quiver
Corluka  -  "My name's Corluka, I live on the second floor" to Luka by Suzanne Vega
Evra  -  "Evra fallen in love with someone..." to Ever Fallen In Love by the Buzzcocks
Giroud - "Ollie Giroud, is it you?" to Metal Guru by T.Rex

FARAGE TO NEWCASTLE?

UKIP leader Nigel Farage is understood to be eyeing up the vacant manager's position at Newcastle United after his recent election defeat in Thanet South.
The Magpies are expected to dispense with interim manager Barry Chump whether they manage to stay up or not after a disastrous second half of the season.
Speaking off the record earlier this year, the charismatic UKIP leader blamed Newcastle's poor run of form on their over-reliance on Muslim and foreign players. He also expressed a desire to return to the core British values of fair play and sportsmanship that players such as Dennis Wise or Vinnie Jones brought to the game.

HEINZ SANDWICH SPREAD CUP QUARTER FINALS DRAW

Mahavishnu Orchestra vs Santana

Mahavishnu are firm favourites to beat the spirited Latin side. Carlos Santana will be counting on a high percussive line plus support from the lively away fans to spur him on to score from one of his speedy forays into the Mahavishnu box. However, Mahavishnu's talented four-pronged attack has proved virtually impossible to contain, and they will fancy their chances in this competition.

ACDC vs Chicago

The Australians will be relying on constant midfield pressure to supply their lone striker Angus Young with scoring opportunities. Chicago will be looking to get at the ACDC rhythm section, who don't like the ball at their feet. Chicago have ample options in attack, with horns on the wings and keyboards through the middle, and look the more likely to edge this one.

Iron Maiden vs Weather Report

An interesting tie as the East End rockers, whose relentless pace and twin-guitar striking partnership finds them unbeaten so far, face a new challenge against Weather Report's "total football". The visitors could cause an upset with their fluid strikerless passing game led by sweeper Joe Zawinul.

Velvet Underground vs U2

Clash of the minnows in black as the sideways-passing non-leaguers take on long-ball specialists U2. Questions have been asked of the Velvets keeper Mo Tucker, who is said to be incapable of catching the ball.