A Jose Mourinho voodoo doll has been discovered in a Manchester flat, which experts believe could help explain the former big-timer's spate of misfortune.
Police seized the doll during a raid following a tip-off from an unnamed veteran Chelsea and England captain with connections to petty thieves and fences.
However, it is believed the doll is mass-manufactured in China and that there may be thousands of them in circulation. Police have warned the public to be vigilant and not to touch the dolls, since each tweak could affect Ibrahimovich's kicking ability or the Portuguese manager's ability to speak beyond a despondent mumble.
footballs today
Sunday 30 October 2016
Friday 28 October 2016
FA erases Lineker's England goals
Former England striker and TV presenter Gary Lineker has had his England goal tally expunged by the FA, following comments he made last week.
Lineker had called for compassion from the British public over its treatment of and attitude towards unaccompanied child refugees. However, his stance was poorly received by both the FA and the government, who released a joint press statement denouncing the ex-Grampus Eight forward as "unpatriotic", and confirming that they have decided to erase his 48 goals for England from the official record. The goals will instead be attributed to FA president HRH the Prince of William.
The news was welcomed by former British tennis legend Sir Buster Mottram, who told frightened passersby that it represented "an important victory for the indigenous clansmen of Albion against the Muslim apologists on Match of the Day."
Meanwhile, non-league Cathedral City have become the first club to bar asylum seekers from their staff. Club chairman Trevor Lunk says that so far two players have been dismissed: one because he was an orphan whose parents might have come from any old place, and the other because he was born in Scotland, and they weren't one hundred percent sure whether that counted as England or not.
Lineker had called for compassion from the British public over its treatment of and attitude towards unaccompanied child refugees. However, his stance was poorly received by both the FA and the government, who released a joint press statement denouncing the ex-Grampus Eight forward as "unpatriotic", and confirming that they have decided to erase his 48 goals for England from the official record. The goals will instead be attributed to FA president HRH the Prince of William.
The news was welcomed by former British tennis legend Sir Buster Mottram, who told frightened passersby that it represented "an important victory for the indigenous clansmen of Albion against the Muslim apologists on Match of the Day."
Meanwhile, non-league Cathedral City have become the first club to bar asylum seekers from their staff. Club chairman Trevor Lunk says that so far two players have been dismissed: one because he was an orphan whose parents might have come from any old place, and the other because he was born in Scotland, and they weren't one hundred percent sure whether that counted as England or not.
Thursday 20 October 2016
City players "no Corrie legends yet"
Barcelona manager Luis Enrique praised his ex-teammate Pep Guardiola's efforts to improve Manchester City after their defeat last night at the Camp Nou, but he also warned that it will take time before his team can join the ranks of Manchester greats such as Coronation Street legends Deidre Barlow or Ena Sharples.
Enrique surprised reporters by revealing his love for the long-running soap opera, which he sees as a role model of stability to inspire his team to continued success.
The Barça boss told a stunned press conference: "Without Aguero up front, I felt City were missing that strong Len Fairclough figure - minus the swimming pool paedo allegations, needless to say."
He went on to describe City keeper Claudio Bravo's dismissal after a deliberate handball outside of the penalty area as reminiscent of a darker chapter in Manchester's history - that of the infamous Moors Murderers Brady and Hindley.
Enrique surprised reporters by revealing his love for the long-running soap opera, which he sees as a role model of stability to inspire his team to continued success.
The Barça boss told a stunned press conference: "Without Aguero up front, I felt City were missing that strong Len Fairclough figure - minus the swimming pool paedo allegations, needless to say."
He went on to describe City keeper Claudio Bravo's dismissal after a deliberate handball outside of the penalty area as reminiscent of a darker chapter in Manchester's history - that of the infamous Moors Murderers Brady and Hindley.
Thursday 13 October 2016
Fergie awarded Nobel prize
Sir Alex Ferguson today became the first football manager to win the Nobel prize for literature. The Swedish academy praised the Scot for his autobiographies, the first of which paved the way for stylistically similar works by other football luminaries such as G.Strachan and J.Stam.
Sir Alex was unavailable for comment, but he is expected to tell a press conference that he couldn't have done it with help from his friends, and that he would like to thank himself for all the hard work behind his achievement.
Sir Alex was unavailable for comment, but he is expected to tell a press conference that he couldn't have done it with help from his friends, and that he would like to thank himself for all the hard work behind his achievement.
Friday 7 October 2016
England players want better magic sponges
Senior England players have made an official complaint to the FA about the level of medical care they have been receiving lately.
The news comes shortly after it was revealed that disgraced ex-manager Sam Allardyce had outsourced the England medical department to Laboratoires Garnier. The former Sunderland boss, affectionately nicknamed Big, had pressed for the change due to Garnier's position at the cutting edge of scientific research. However, police later confiscated three crateloads of hair care products from Allardyce's Bolton home.
A spokesman for Laboratoires Garnier told reporters there had been some minor teething problems with their treatment of injuries, but he pointed out that the players' skin was looking sensational.
The news comes shortly after it was revealed that disgraced ex-manager Sam Allardyce had outsourced the England medical department to Laboratoires Garnier. The former Sunderland boss, affectionately nicknamed Big, had pressed for the change due to Garnier's position at the cutting edge of scientific research. However, police later confiscated three crateloads of hair care products from Allardyce's Bolton home.
A spokesman for Laboratoires Garnier told reporters there had been some minor teething problems with their treatment of injuries, but he pointed out that the players' skin was looking sensational.
Tuesday 4 October 2016
Theo in shock drugs setback
Theo Walcott's amazing renaissance has hit a wall after the fleet-footed Arsenal player tested positive for drugs following his impressive performance in the Gunners' recent defeat of Chelsea.
He astounded doctors by testing positive for LSD, a powerful hallucinogenic which influenced '60s luminaries such as the Beatles, Charles Manson and Cilla Black.
Walcott himself was unrepentant, telling reporters: "I have no regrets; under the influence of Lucy I was able to see the team as an integrated unit, intuitively feel the correct passes, and realise my full potential as a living, breathing, caring, beautiful footballer. Without acid I'll be useless again."
He is expected to receive a lengthy ban which will almost certainly end his hopes of being included in England's World Cup squad. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is understood to be hopping mad.
He astounded doctors by testing positive for LSD, a powerful hallucinogenic which influenced '60s luminaries such as the Beatles, Charles Manson and Cilla Black.
Walcott himself was unrepentant, telling reporters: "I have no regrets; under the influence of Lucy I was able to see the team as an integrated unit, intuitively feel the correct passes, and realise my full potential as a living, breathing, caring, beautiful footballer. Without acid I'll be useless again."
He is expected to receive a lengthy ban which will almost certainly end his hopes of being included in England's World Cup squad. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is understood to be hopping mad.
Derren Brown in the frame for England job
TV mentalist Derren Brown has defied the pundits by emerging as a frontrunner for the vacant England manager's position. An FA insider told Footballs Today that senior officials believe Brown's command of mind control could prove useful on the football pitch.
While it is generally accepted that England's scarcity of world class talent renders them doomed to mediocrity, Brown's powers could instead be turned on England's opponents - in the best case scenario causing them to break down in tears and call for their mummies. If that doesn't work it is hoped he can always try to brainwash the referee into disallowing opposition goals.
Meanwhile, big-nosed England caretaker manager Gareth Southgate is said to have ordered the manager's seat to be reupholstered after his short-lived predecessor Sam Allardyce managed to stain it beyond repair with an array of condiments.
While it is generally accepted that England's scarcity of world class talent renders them doomed to mediocrity, Brown's powers could instead be turned on England's opponents - in the best case scenario causing them to break down in tears and call for their mummies. If that doesn't work it is hoped he can always try to brainwash the referee into disallowing opposition goals.
Meanwhile, big-nosed England caretaker manager Gareth Southgate is said to have ordered the manager's seat to be reupholstered after his short-lived predecessor Sam Allardyce managed to stain it beyond repair with an array of condiments.
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