Big Sam says xmas football not busy enough

Sunderland boss Sam Allardyce has controversially blamed his team's poor form on a lack of fixtures during the holiday period.

At a time when several foreign managers have complained about the busy Christmas fixture schedule in England and the impact it has on their squads, the veteran manager has taken the opposite view.

Allardyce claims his players respond best to the pressure of constant football, which he sees as an integral part of the English game:
"I don't see why we have to wait an entire 48 hours to entertain our fans who are desperate to escape their boring in-laws around Christmas, just because some caviar-nibbling bureaucrats in Geneva or wherever think we play too much. My lads are itching to get out there and perform; by the time the next matchday comes along they've lost their mojo, to be honest. In my day we used play round the clock. I think for the money these boys earn, they can afford to miss out on a turkey dinner for a couple of days."

Blattini and Jose set to form rival 'Dark FIFA'

Sacked football moguls Sepp Blatter, Michel Platini and Jose Mourinho are set to create their own breakaway football organisation, dubbed 'Dark FIFA' by commentators. The maverick organisation is supposedly inspired by T.H.R.U.S.H from the Man From U.N.C.L.E. television series.

It is believed the trio intend to stage a rival World Cup on a floating nuclear missile launchpad hovering over the South Pole, and are understood to have attracted a number of prominent names from the world of football such as ex-Chelsea chairman Ken Bates and Norwich majority shareholder Delia Smith.
The alternative World Cup would represent nations or regions which the troika feel have been unfairly abolished or superseded, much like themselves. An exhibition match of Northern Rhodesia versus Sudetenland is being planned for next year.

UEFA moves to ban GM footballers

UEFA has put the kibosh on the proposed introduction of genetically modified footballers after it issued a decree banning the technology from European football.

Biotech proponents had hoped to produce players designed to withstand common football injuries such as hamstring or ankle strains.
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, whose teams have long been plagued by injuries, was a vocal supporter of the scheme. However, UEFA chairman Michel Platini is known to favour more traditionally lucrative methods of treatment such as expensive drugs and replacement signings from non-European leagues.
West Brom manager Tony Pulis expressed his agreement with the ban, telling reporters he believed kicks to the shin helped toughen up players' immune systems.

Jose bottom of fantasy league

Jose Mourinho's managerial woes show no signs of easing up, after it emerged today that even his fantasy football team is bottom of his private league comprising friends and family members. 

The beleaguered Blues boss has doggedly stuck by his attacking line of Rooney, Agbonlahor and Borini despite the trio's paltry total of 2 goals so far this season. According to club insiders, Mourinho has even refused advice from his table-topping daughter, claiming that the official Barclays Fantasy Premier League is in cahoots with the devil himself.

Roman eyes Spielberg for Chelsea director job

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has given his strongest indication yet that he is losing patience with Jose Mourinho's ability to turn their faltering premiership campaign around. Sources at the club have revealed that the Russian mogul has approached Steven Spielberg about becoming Chelsea director of football.

Abramovich believes the Hollywood director can replicate his successful screen formula to direct Chelsea matches so that they have a broad family appeal and that Chelsea overcomes adversity to win in the end. A stipulation of the deal is understood to be the replacement of controversial striker Diego Costa with Spielberg favourite Matt Damon during the January transfer window.

However, PFA chairman Ritchie Humphries yesterday voiced concerns over the security of professional footballer's jobs if Hollywood actors are allowed fast-track admission to first team squads. He also cited Hull City owner Assem Allam's attempts to field a genuine Bengal tiger in Hull's starting eleven. Allam has repeatedly tried to have the club officially renamed Hull Tigers.

Wenger to start against Sunderland

Arsenal's injury crisis has led to some drastic changes ahead of Saturday's match against Sunderland.

 With a lack of available attacking options, Arsene Wenger will start himself up front alongside Olivier Giroud, while second choice goalkeeper David Ospina will make his outfield debut as a defensive midfielder, replacing club mascot Gunnersaurus, who twisted his ankle two minutes into last week's disappointing 1-1 draw at Norwich.
Korean forward Chu Young Park is due to be named on the bench, although his whereabouts are currently unknown. A club insider told Footballs Today that nobody could remember whether he left the club last year; concerns have been raised that he may have been locked in a toilet at Arsenal's plush London Colney training facilities since 2013.

Bookmakers Paddy Power are offering odds of 66-1 for Lee Cattermole failing to break Mesut Ozil's leg during the game.