Italian football faces fresh allegations of corruption after the referee scored all of AS Roma's goals in their 3-2 defeat of strugglers Carpi on Saturday.
The Italian media has reacted furiously, accusing the referee of having been bribed. However, Roma's American hedge fund investor president James Pallota told terrified reporters and domestic staff at his underwater mansion that the referee had merely had an "off day" and that any talk of bribery might result in an unfortunate accident, which he wouldn't like to see.
This is the most controversial incident involving a match official scoring a goal since referee Mike Riley famously scored a penalty for Man Utd against Arsenal in 2003.
footballs today
Sunday 22 November 2015
Monday 16 November 2015
Roy wants more Brazilians
England manager Roy Hodgson has called on the Home Office to fast-track naturalisation for Brazilian footballers in order to improve England's meagre chances of a successful European Championship campaign.
Speaking at the post-match press conference after England's disappointingly limp performance in Spain, Hodgson told reporters: "Every other country seems to have a Diego Costa or a Thiago Motta; by not having any Brazilians in the England squad, we are really losing out. The government can help by speeding up the naturalisation process - they did it for Zola Budd, and that was a huge success."
As a mark of solidarity with French victims of the terrorist attacks in Paris, the England players will wear stripy tops and a string of onions around their necks when they host France in a friendly at Wembley this week. The game will be preceded by two minutes of respectful smoking.
Speaking at the post-match press conference after England's disappointingly limp performance in Spain, Hodgson told reporters: "Every other country seems to have a Diego Costa or a Thiago Motta; by not having any Brazilians in the England squad, we are really losing out. The government can help by speeding up the naturalisation process - they did it for Zola Budd, and that was a huge success."
As a mark of solidarity with French victims of the terrorist attacks in Paris, the England players will wear stripy tops and a string of onions around their necks when they host France in a friendly at Wembley this week. The game will be preceded by two minutes of respectful smoking.
Wednesday 11 November 2015
'Illuminati' behind Chelsea drop in form
Conspiracy forums across the internet were buzzing this morning after rumours emerged of a sinister plot behind Chelsea's recent poor results.
Photos purportedly showing NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg and US Secretary of State John Kerry shaking Chelsea club mascot Stamford the Lion's hand during the recent home defeat to Liverpool were posted on Facebook yesterday, but have subsequently been deleted. The photos soon prompted debate on whether the Premier League champions' spectacular drop in form is part of an intergovernmental plan to divert public attention from current affairs by making everyone laugh at Chelsea.
According to a spokesperson for hacktivist group Anonymous: "Governments throughout the world are sneaking through austerity measures and committing troops to wars virtually unopposed, since people are busy bent over in stitches laughing at how shit Chelsea are."
Others went further, many pointing out that Chelsea's dip coincides with Bayern Munich's unbeaten domestic campaign, which they claim indicates involvement of the Bavarian Illuminati.
Photos purportedly showing NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg and US Secretary of State John Kerry shaking Chelsea club mascot Stamford the Lion's hand during the recent home defeat to Liverpool were posted on Facebook yesterday, but have subsequently been deleted. The photos soon prompted debate on whether the Premier League champions' spectacular drop in form is part of an intergovernmental plan to divert public attention from current affairs by making everyone laugh at Chelsea.
According to a spokesperson for hacktivist group Anonymous: "Governments throughout the world are sneaking through austerity measures and committing troops to wars virtually unopposed, since people are busy bent over in stitches laughing at how shit Chelsea are."
Others went further, many pointing out that Chelsea's dip coincides with Bayern Munich's unbeaten domestic campaign, which they claim indicates involvement of the Bavarian Illuminati.
Tuesday 10 November 2015
Kop bops to Klopp's pop
Be prepared for a spate of Liverpool players appearing on Strictly Come Dancing after Jürgen Klopp revealed that one of the training ground methods he has used to help rejuvenate Liverpool since his arrival at Anfield last month involves dance.
The enthusiastic German has been putting his squad through its paces to the progressive pop/rock sound of Barclay James Harvest, a British band who were hugely successful in Germany during the 1970s and '80s.
"I was a little surprised that none of the lads had heard of the Harvest - in Germany they are gods", Klopp told bemused reporters on Monday. "Their music has all the elements needed for football choreography: powerful ballads for defensive solidity, dazzling up-tempo sections for aggressive play on the break, and lots of stuff that just makes you want to smile and enjoy football because it's a beautiful, crazy thing. All Germans will tell you they are a really super band - or 'naff', as I believe you say in English."
The enthusiastic German has been putting his squad through its paces to the progressive pop/rock sound of Barclay James Harvest, a British band who were hugely successful in Germany during the 1970s and '80s.
"I was a little surprised that none of the lads had heard of the Harvest - in Germany they are gods", Klopp told bemused reporters on Monday. "Their music has all the elements needed for football choreography: powerful ballads for defensive solidity, dazzling up-tempo sections for aggressive play on the break, and lots of stuff that just makes you want to smile and enjoy football because it's a beautiful, crazy thing. All Germans will tell you they are a really super band - or 'naff', as I believe you say in English."
Monday 9 November 2015
Media rounds on Celtic boo-boys
For the umpteenth year in a row there was media outrage after a vocal section of Celtic fans once again refused to honour the minute's silence of remembrance before their match at Ross County on Sunday.
A club spokesman said it was unacceptable that fans should refuse to conform to the media-led general consensus by expressing their invalid opinion. He said the club would atone for its sins by issuing a public apology and making a sizeable donation towards government efforts to topple the Syrian government using chemical agents, to show its goodwill towards the ongoing British war effort.
The Sun editorial went further, accusing Celtic fans of betraying their Irish republican brethren and calling for their deportation. It said the victims of the Bloody Sunday massacre would have felt honoured to be shot by patriotic British soldiers serving the cause of freedom, and if it weren't for them we'd all be speaking Irish now.
It went on to point out that the poppy symbolises respect for all those who died to prevent the sort of militarised environment in which soldiers lay wreaths for martyrs on football pitches and political symbols are worn on football shirts.
A club spokesman said it was unacceptable that fans should refuse to conform to the media-led general consensus by expressing their invalid opinion. He said the club would atone for its sins by issuing a public apology and making a sizeable donation towards government efforts to topple the Syrian government using chemical agents, to show its goodwill towards the ongoing British war effort.
The Sun editorial went further, accusing Celtic fans of betraying their Irish republican brethren and calling for their deportation. It said the victims of the Bloody Sunday massacre would have felt honoured to be shot by patriotic British soldiers serving the cause of freedom, and if it weren't for them we'd all be speaking Irish now.
It went on to point out that the poppy symbolises respect for all those who died to prevent the sort of militarised environment in which soldiers lay wreaths for martyrs on football pitches and political symbols are worn on football shirts.
Friday 6 November 2015
US to call the shots in Euro football under new bill
Leaked documents revealing the extent of US-led corporate interference in European football under the proposed TTIP trade agreement have raised fears for the future of domestic leagues throughout Europe.
Under the controversial agreement European clubs will be obliged to maximise their interest to the American viewing public unfamiliar with the game, or risk being sued for loss of potential earnings.
The stipulations include:
- All London teams merging into one, Big Ben Cockney Kickers
- Anfield being renamed either Strawberry Fields or Penny Lane
- Lazio and Roma merging to form Rome Centurions, and wearing metal breastplates
- Bayern Munich playing in lederhosen and spiked helmets
- The Milan clubs moving to the USA, since most Americans have never heard of Milan
- Offside, handball and all infringement rules abolished, to avoid confusion over disallowed goals
- All black players joining one team, Africa Soccer Safari, since Americans are unaware of black Europeans, and also believe that Africa is one country, possibly in Europe
A petition signed by prominent campaigners and celebrities, including ex-footballers Gary Neville and Pat Nevin, was yesterday handed to UK Sports Minister Tracey Crouch outside the House of Commons. The petition calls for assurance from the government that the terms of the agreement will be rejected.
In contrast, UEFA president Michel Platini said the TTIP proposals opened up "exciting new avenues to explore".
Under the controversial agreement European clubs will be obliged to maximise their interest to the American viewing public unfamiliar with the game, or risk being sued for loss of potential earnings.
The stipulations include:
- All London teams merging into one, Big Ben Cockney Kickers
- Anfield being renamed either Strawberry Fields or Penny Lane
- Lazio and Roma merging to form Rome Centurions, and wearing metal breastplates
- Bayern Munich playing in lederhosen and spiked helmets
- The Milan clubs moving to the USA, since most Americans have never heard of Milan
- Offside, handball and all infringement rules abolished, to avoid confusion over disallowed goals
- All black players joining one team, Africa Soccer Safari, since Americans are unaware of black Europeans, and also believe that Africa is one country, possibly in Europe
A petition signed by prominent campaigners and celebrities, including ex-footballers Gary Neville and Pat Nevin, was yesterday handed to UK Sports Minister Tracey Crouch outside the House of Commons. The petition calls for assurance from the government that the terms of the agreement will be rejected.
In contrast, UEFA president Michel Platini said the TTIP proposals opened up "exciting new avenues to explore".
Tuesday 3 November 2015
Eva set to replace Mourinho
Roman Abramovich has indicated that his patience with beleaguered Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has finally run out, and that he is preparing to replace him with former first team doctor Eva Carneiro, controversially axed by the Blues boss after the first game of the season.
According to leaked emails obtained by Footballs Today, Abramovich is convinced that the title holders' drop in form is directly related to Carneiro's departure, and that she was the key to their recent success.
Since her dismissal, Chelsea have struggled to adapt to Mourinho's increasingly erratic team formations, which have ranged from a conventional diamond to a snowflake, spiral and even a swastika formation. Players and staff are also understood to be unhappy at Mourinho's insistence on treating injuries using homeopathy and water divining, which they feel is inadequate.
According to leaked emails obtained by Footballs Today, Abramovich is convinced that the title holders' drop in form is directly related to Carneiro's departure, and that she was the key to their recent success.
Since her dismissal, Chelsea have struggled to adapt to Mourinho's increasingly erratic team formations, which have ranged from a conventional diamond to a snowflake, spiral and even a swastika formation. Players and staff are also understood to be unhappy at Mourinho's insistence on treating injuries using homeopathy and water divining, which they feel is inadequate.
Monday 2 November 2015
FA in Falklands World Cup bribery shocker
The FA has landed in hot water after sensational allegations were made concerning a bungled attempt at bribery by an FA delegation in order to secure the 2026 World Cup for the Falkland Islands.
In a move apparently designed to antagonise the Argentinian government, three senior establishment figures travelled on behalf of the FA to meet FIFA officials in Geneva to discuss the possibility of the Falkland Islands bidding to stage the world's largest sporting event, but were detained at Heathrow airport.
The trio have been named as Mark Thatcher, former tennis ace Buster Mottram and disgraced former peer Jeffrey Archer.
It is alleged their intention was to hand over an enormous rucksack filled with cash as a bribe. However, they were foiled when they realised they had left the rucksack in the departure lounge pub, where they are said to have spent some considerable time.
The rucksack was found by bar staff, and was immediately removed and destroyed. It is believed to have contained in excess of ten million pounds in mixed currency and gold, according to hundreds of fellow pubgoers who witnessed Mr Thatcher loudly holding forth on the subject.
Thatcher and Archer were today unavailable for comment, but Buster Mottram told reporters: "It's a sad day indeed for the indigenous people of Albion when it becomes a crime to stand up for Great British football in the Falklands. We invented the game, after all. I mean what do the Argies know about football? Those latin types are no good at it - all their players are cheating ponces who no one remembers. "
In a move apparently designed to antagonise the Argentinian government, three senior establishment figures travelled on behalf of the FA to meet FIFA officials in Geneva to discuss the possibility of the Falkland Islands bidding to stage the world's largest sporting event, but were detained at Heathrow airport.
The trio have been named as Mark Thatcher, former tennis ace Buster Mottram and disgraced former peer Jeffrey Archer.
The rucksack was found by bar staff, and was immediately removed and destroyed. It is believed to have contained in excess of ten million pounds in mixed currency and gold, according to hundreds of fellow pubgoers who witnessed Mr Thatcher loudly holding forth on the subject.
Thatcher and Archer were today unavailable for comment, but Buster Mottram told reporters: "It's a sad day indeed for the indigenous people of Albion when it becomes a crime to stand up for Great British football in the Falklands. We invented the game, after all. I mean what do the Argies know about football? Those latin types are no good at it - all their players are cheating ponces who no one remembers. "
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