Premiership club with 'Russian links' has staff expulsed

An unnamed leading West London Premier League club with Russian connections has had several foreign members of its technical staff kicked out of of Britain. The drastic Home Office measures are in solidarity with the US government decision to expulse Russian diplomats following accusations of state-sponsored computer hacking.

A Home Office spokesman refused to name the club nor give any further details, other than cryptically predicting a twist in this year's title race.

The news comes just days after a four year-old girl was tasered in Market Harborough when she was found playing with a Russian doll. The government has repeatedly denied it is behind a media campaign of anti-Russian propaganda.

More details to follow.

The latest transfer window gossip

Our experts have rounded up some of the latest transfer window rumours:

- Arsenal mascot Gunnersaurus Rex to Inter Milan, who need motivating

- Joe Hart to Liverpool on loan, provided he play as an outfield player

- Darren Bent and David Bentley to Jiangsu Suning for combined fee of £140m

- Joey Barton to simultaneously manage both Swansea and Hull

- Maria Sharapova to MK Dons on free transfer

Pards to Barça?

Sacked Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew looks set to take over the hot seat at Barcelona. The Catalan giants, who trail rivals Real Madrid by three points in La Liga, are said to be keen on appointing the former Charlton boss as soon as possible to bolster their title challenge.

Pardew, known in Spain as El Pards, is a huge celebrity in the country due to his energetic touchline dance moves and his silly face.

However, not everyone believes his appointment would be the right move for Barcelona: former defender and club legend Carles Puyol described Pardew as a "dancing fool", while bookmakers have lowered their odds on Barça playing in next year's Europa League.

Man Utd might move to China

Manchester United chairmen Joel and Avram Glazer have indicated that they intend to move the club to China if they fail to make the top four this year.

The Glazers are said to have sent a messenger boy to deliver a wax-sealed message to club management informing them of imminent redundancy should the club face another season without Champions League football. Staff were told that leaving for China has to be better than playing freezing Thursday night Europa League games in Kazakhstan - or home games in Manchester, for that matter.

The news comes just days after it was revealed that referee Mark Clattenburg has signed a lucrative four-year contract to perform in the Chinese Super League, where he already has a large cult following and his own brand of refereeing accessories.

Arsenal v Bayern annual fixture confirmed

UEFA have confirmed that Arsenal and Bayern Munich will play their annual Champions League tie. Prior to the draw for the second round, there had been talk of a possible change to the traditional fixture but it was eventually decided not to, since there have been more than enough upsets recently, such as the election victory of Donald Trump or the deaths of Prince and Pete Burns.

Arsenal are the only London team left in the Champions League, after Tottenham were pipped to second place in their group by Liechtenstein's FC Vaduz; Chelsea failed to qualify for the Champions League since they were managed by some useless Portuguese bloke last year.

Manchester City host Monaco, while Premiership champions Leicester travel to Seville, where Jamie Vardy is expected to collapse from heatstroke.

New World Cup format to include everyone

FIFA President Gianni Infantino today outlined his proposals for an expanded World Cup format.

 Infantino showed reporters a napkin and a cigarette packet on which he had drawn some of his ideas, which include:
Abolishing qualifying rounds and expanding the finals to include all countries and territories in addition to historical ones such as New Holland, Mercia, East Prussia and Gondwanaland; lengthening the competition duration to four years; shortening matches to 10 minutes, which would be decided by a bake-off in the event of a draw; abolishing handball and offside offences in order to encourage more goals.

Under the new proposals corporate sponsors would be able to bid for the national teams' names: preliminary deals are already said to have been struck, including BMW Germany, Santander Spain and Betfred England. Match officials would be supplied by private security contractor Academi.

Cesc gets Fernandinho's ban

The FA has rescinded Manchester City player Fernandinho's red card awarded during Saturday's ill-tempered match against Chelsea, and instead given Cesc Fabregas a retroactive three-match ban for his role in the fracas that followed Sergio Agüero's violent lunge on David Luis.

An FA spokesman told astonished reporters: "Having reviewed video evidence of the incident, we feel that Mr Fernandinho was entirely justified in his reaction to Mr Fabregas, who acted throughout in a manner befitting a cartoon weasel in a great big flowery blouse. The jury was not impressed by Mr Fabregas's pacifist Gandhi-routine, which followed the cheeky slap he thought he had got away with."

Chelsea manager Antonio Conte was unavailable for comment, but fan club spokesman Raymond Cist told reporters where to stick their microphones in no uncertain terms.

Pards says Palace defenders were doing Mannequin Challenge

Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew has claimed his side's disastrous defending against Swansea last week was because they were doing the 'Mannequin Challenge'.
Palace defenders appeared to be standing around rooted to the spot during several of Swansea's goals during the 5-4 defeat. However, Pardew explained that they were merely copying the popular viral internet trend.

"I really don't see what all the fuss is about - we were merely entering into the spirit of things. If Man City had done it, you'd all be calling Guardiola a genius."

Pardew recently made the news after calling for Palace's sash to be reintegrated into their kit design; he claims the club derives power from its sash.

Increase in xenophobic attacks on footballers

Anti-racist campaigners have raised concerns about the sharp rise in xenophobic abuse of footballers post-Brexit.

 Several incidents involving high-profile players have been reported during recent weeks, including Chelsea midfielders Eden Hazard and Willian, who were assaulted at a training session by members of the public for being too flash.

Mesut Özil closed his Twitter account after he was inundated with abusive messages accusing him of using fancy European footwork instead of traditional British footballing moves.

One anonymous campaigner told Footballs Today that some players were too frightened to play short, skilful passes.

However, German Leicester defender Robert Huth said that some players need to do more to integrate: "I've been in this country for years with no problems whatsoever, because I made the effort to adapt to the British way of life by learning how to elbow players in the ribs and boot the ball into the stands. I've been doing it ever since and the fans love it."

Refs to be outsourced to G4S

The government is set to give the green light to the outsourcing of football match officials in England and Scotland to private security contractor G4S.

The news is likely to provoke an outcry from critics, amid concerns over the corporatisation of the game and its implications for referee impartiality and competence.

A spokesman for G4S said on Newsnight that the company was perfectly capable of supplying professional-quality referees and line officials, and would under no circumstances be colluding with bookmakers or looking to appease shareholders at certain football clubs.

However, independent football watchdog Offside UK has raised questions about the standard of refereeing G4S will offer, after it emerged that their registered match officials include disgraced former MP Neil Hamilton and wife Christine, 'Shoe Bomber' Richard Reid and Mark Thatcher, who tasered a 74 year-old defender to death by mistake in a charity match.

Jose in Fidel funeral snub

Jose Mourinho has been barred from attending Fidel Castro's funeral. The hapless Portuguese former big-timer was due to travel to Havana for the state funeral as the representative of European football, but his visa was rejected by the Cuban authorities, who felt he was too much of a wanker. Instead, Joey Barton and Gary Lineker will join Diego Maradona and others as they lay a wreath on behalf of ordinary working footballers.

Although Castro was more enthusiastic about baseball than football, his legacy is regarded by many as a major advance in the fair treatment of sportsmen and women. However, not everybody in the world of football saw his role as a positive one: a statement condemning the Cuban leader's undemocratic despotism, signed by several owners and shareholders of major Premiership clubs - including Roman Abramovich, Stan Kroenke and the Glazer brothers - was read out by Paolo Di Canio outside the House of Lords. The irony was not lost on one passerby, who was heard giggling before being neutralised by anti-terrorist units.