Football 'must learn from rugby'

David Cameron yesterday took to Twitter to outline a government scheme to instil 'rugby values' in football players. The scheme would involve weekly classes for state school pupils and young offenders.

The Prime Minister has on several occasions in the past commented on the disparity in attitude between the two sports, and the need to instil greater discipline, respect for authority and patriotic pride in association football.

Highlights of the scheme include: cavity searches, biting and punching workshops, traditional fagging techniques, forfeit drinking rituals, chest puffing during the national anthem, aggressively erotic shower behaviour, and compulsory cross-country yomps for children who fail to wear a remembrance poppy.

Prominent celebrity opponents of the proposed scheme include Charlotte Church, Frankie Boyle and Russell Brand. Among other things, they are unhappy that the proposal is said to have been drafted by the Prince of Charles, controversially described by Boyle as "unelected".
Cameron hit back at his critics in a tweet, accusing them of being "ISIS apologists who should bugger off to Cuba if they don't like it here."

Big Sam is now Samantha

An undercover reporter has obtained evidence that Sam Allardyce is calling himself a woman in order to circumvent new positive discrimination laws designed to give women a better chance at landing top coaching jobs in football.
The law requires at least one woman to be interviewed for each managerial vacancy, but documents reveal how the former Bolton and Blackburn boss - affectionately nicknamed Big Sam - followed Caitlyn Jenner's example and declared himself a woman prior to his appointment as Sunderland manager last week, following the departure of Dick Advocaat.
A club spokesman yesterday denied any fraud had taken place, and confirmed that Allardyce , 61, will be receiving gender reassignment treatment, but that it may take a little longer than usual to complete.

Footballers and Faith

As part of our Spiritual Balls series looking at spirituality in ball sports, we spoke to several Premier League footballers about their beliefs and faith.

Glen Johnson: I wouldn't describe myself as religious as such, but I do believe there's something out there, maybe some kind of vibration or something.

Sadio Mane: My faith is very important to me. I know the Lord Jesus is with me every time I play; He guides me in the opposition box and keeps me onside, except when Satan intervenes and possesses the linesman. 

Gabriel Agbonlahor: I have no respect for atheists: they are idiots if they think a complicated game like football could just appear randomly out of thin air - the odds would be like a trillion thousand to one. 

Troy Deeney: I see God as a rainbow.

Charlie Adam: I was brought up by my grandfather, who schooled me in the old religion. Every beltane we make a giant bonfire and sacrifice a dog to the old gods. I find it gives me added strength on the football pitch.

Journeyman troika to manage Syria crisis

NATO sources have indicated that they are willing to accept Russia's proposal of a three-man liaison committee to coordinate air strikes against Islamic militants in Syria and Iraq.  The committee would consist of veteran Dutch football managers Guus Hiddink, Dick Advocaat and Martin Jol.

Russia believes the trio's extensive experience of managing struggling teams throughout the world under intense media scrutiny makes them the perfect candidates for international diplomacy.

Speaking from his North Sea holiday bungalow Advocaat, 68, yesterday told assembled beachgoers: "After managing Sunderland, Syria is a walk in the park."

Ticket prices set to rise due to defence costs

Ticket prices at premiership and Champions League fixtures are set to rise further, in spite of the recent spate of supporters’ protests. A Premier League spokesman said a price hike was inevitable due to the increased cost of security at top level football matches following the renewed threat of Russian, Iranian and North Korean aggression.

This week BAE Systems signed a multi-billion pound defence deal with the Barclays Premier League that obliges clubs to pay for the installation of military equipment such as surface-to-air missile launchers. It is understood stadiums will also be equipped with various nerve and blister agents to be used in the event of a successful enemy takeover of football grounds in England and Wales. Pitches will also be mined this summer to deter hostile combatants from having a kickabout during the off-season. 

Representatives of BAE Systems, Lockheed Martin and other major arms manufacturers will be laying a wreath at major football grounds on Remembrance Sunday in commemoration of all the weapons tragically lost in recent conflicts.

However, some anti-war activists have questioned the arms industry’s right to intervene in football. Former CND chairman Bruce Kent described the planned ‘nuclear dome’ over Wembley as a “possible cause for concern”. PM David Cameron addressed the government’s critics on Twitter, branding opponents of the scheme “Britain-hating quislings”. He also described the BAE/ Barclays Premier League deal as “combining two great things that Britain has given to the world: football and war.” 

Recall of Chelsea loanees causes widespread chaos

Professional football today sits on the brink of collapse and faces an uncertain future after Chelsea announced the recall of all of their loan players in order to help rescue their floundering Premier League campaign.
The move has depleted squads throughout the leagues, both home and abroad. All but a handful of matches scheduled for the weekend have been confirmed cancelled as clubs struggle to find enough players to field.
On the plus side, however, the situation has led to fantastic opportunities for youngsters across the world who would otherwise only dream of playing for professional clubs. Not least of them is Benny, a 9 year-old from Rochdale with severe muscular dystrophy who has found himself named as Rochdale captain for Saturday's home fixture against Fleetwood after the club management had heard talk of him being okay at football.

Early Bath by Ref