An unnamed leading West London Premier League club with Russian connections has had several foreign members of its technical staff kicked out of of Britain. The drastic Home Office measures are in solidarity with the US government decision to expulse Russian diplomats following accusations of state-sponsored computer hacking.
A Home Office spokesman refused to name the club nor give any further details, other than cryptically predicting a twist in this year's title race.
The news comes just days after a four year-old girl was tasered in Market Harborough when she was found playing with a Russian doll. The government has repeatedly denied it is behind a media campaign of anti-Russian propaganda.
More details to follow.
footballs today
Friday 30 December 2016
Thursday 29 December 2016
The latest transfer window gossip
Our experts have rounded up some of the latest transfer window rumours:
- Arsenal mascot Gunnersaurus Rex to Inter Milan, who need motivating
- Joe Hart to Liverpool on loan, provided he play as an outfield player
- Darren Bent and David Bentley to Jiangsu Suning for combined fee of £140m
- Joey Barton to simultaneously manage both Swansea and Hull
- Maria Sharapova to MK Dons on free transfer
- Arsenal mascot Gunnersaurus Rex to Inter Milan, who need motivating
- Joe Hart to Liverpool on loan, provided he play as an outfield player
- Darren Bent and David Bentley to Jiangsu Suning for combined fee of £140m
- Joey Barton to simultaneously manage both Swansea and Hull
- Maria Sharapova to MK Dons on free transfer
Friday 23 December 2016
Pards to Barça?
Sacked Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew looks set to take over the hot seat at Barcelona. The Catalan giants, who trail rivals Real Madrid by three points in La Liga, are said to be keen on appointing the former Charlton boss as soon as possible to bolster their title challenge.
Pardew, known in Spain as El Pards, is a huge celebrity in the country due to his energetic touchline dance moves and his silly face.
However, not everyone believes his appointment would be the right move for Barcelona: former defender and club legend Carles Puyol described Pardew as a "dancing fool", while bookmakers have lowered their odds on Barça playing in next year's Europa League.
Pardew, known in Spain as El Pards, is a huge celebrity in the country due to his energetic touchline dance moves and his silly face.
However, not everyone believes his appointment would be the right move for Barcelona: former defender and club legend Carles Puyol described Pardew as a "dancing fool", while bookmakers have lowered their odds on Barça playing in next year's Europa League.
Monday 19 December 2016
Man Utd might move to China
Manchester United chairmen Joel and Avram Glazer have indicated that they intend to move the club to China if they fail to make the top four this year.
The Glazers are said to have sent a messenger boy to deliver a wax-sealed message to club management informing them of imminent redundancy should the club face another season without Champions League football. Staff were told that leaving for China has to be better than playing freezing Thursday night Europa League games in Kazakhstan - or home games in Manchester, for that matter.
The news comes just days after it was revealed that referee Mark Clattenburg has signed a lucrative four-year contract to perform in the Chinese Super League, where he already has a large cult following and his own brand of refereeing accessories.
The Glazers are said to have sent a messenger boy to deliver a wax-sealed message to club management informing them of imminent redundancy should the club face another season without Champions League football. Staff were told that leaving for China has to be better than playing freezing Thursday night Europa League games in Kazakhstan - or home games in Manchester, for that matter.
The news comes just days after it was revealed that referee Mark Clattenburg has signed a lucrative four-year contract to perform in the Chinese Super League, where he already has a large cult following and his own brand of refereeing accessories.
Tuesday 13 December 2016
Arsenal v Bayern annual fixture confirmed
UEFA have confirmed that Arsenal and Bayern Munich will play their annual Champions League tie. Prior to the draw for the second round, there had been talk of a possible change to the traditional fixture but it was eventually decided not to, since there have been more than enough upsets recently, such as the election victory of Donald Trump or the deaths of Prince and Pete Burns.
Arsenal are the only London team left in the Champions League, after Tottenham were pipped to second place in their group by Liechtenstein's FC Vaduz; Chelsea failed to qualify for the Champions League since they were managed by some useless Portuguese bloke last year.
Manchester City host Monaco, while Premiership champions Leicester travel to Seville, where Jamie Vardy is expected to collapse from heatstroke.
Arsenal are the only London team left in the Champions League, after Tottenham were pipped to second place in their group by Liechtenstein's FC Vaduz; Chelsea failed to qualify for the Champions League since they were managed by some useless Portuguese bloke last year.
Manchester City host Monaco, while Premiership champions Leicester travel to Seville, where Jamie Vardy is expected to collapse from heatstroke.
Friday 9 December 2016
New World Cup format to include everyone
FIFA President Gianni Infantino today outlined his proposals for an expanded World Cup format.
Infantino showed reporters a napkin and a cigarette packet on which he had drawn some of his ideas, which include:
Abolishing qualifying rounds and expanding the finals to include all countries and territories in addition to historical ones such as New Holland, Mercia, East Prussia and Gondwanaland; lengthening the competition duration to four years; shortening matches to 10 minutes, which would be decided by a bake-off in the event of a draw; abolishing handball and offside offences in order to encourage more goals.
Under the new proposals corporate sponsors would be able to bid for the national teams' names: preliminary deals are already said to have been struck, including BMW Germany, Santander Spain and Betfred England. Match officials would be supplied by private security contractor Academi.
Infantino showed reporters a napkin and a cigarette packet on which he had drawn some of his ideas, which include:
Abolishing qualifying rounds and expanding the finals to include all countries and territories in addition to historical ones such as New Holland, Mercia, East Prussia and Gondwanaland; lengthening the competition duration to four years; shortening matches to 10 minutes, which would be decided by a bake-off in the event of a draw; abolishing handball and offside offences in order to encourage more goals.
Under the new proposals corporate sponsors would be able to bid for the national teams' names: preliminary deals are already said to have been struck, including BMW Germany, Santander Spain and Betfred England. Match officials would be supplied by private security contractor Academi.
Monday 5 December 2016
Cesc gets Fernandinho's ban
The FA has rescinded Manchester City player Fernandinho's red card awarded during Saturday's ill-tempered match against Chelsea, and instead given Cesc Fabregas a retroactive three-match ban for his role in the fracas that followed Sergio Agüero's violent lunge on David Luis.
An FA spokesman told astonished reporters: "Having reviewed video evidence of the incident, we feel that Mr Fernandinho was entirely justified in his reaction to Mr Fabregas, who acted throughout in a manner befitting a cartoon weasel in a great big flowery blouse. The jury was not impressed by Mr Fabregas's pacifist Gandhi-routine, which followed the cheeky slap he thought he had got away with."
Chelsea manager Antonio Conte was unavailable for comment, but fan club spokesman Raymond Cist told reporters where to stick their microphones in no uncertain terms.
An FA spokesman told astonished reporters: "Having reviewed video evidence of the incident, we feel that Mr Fernandinho was entirely justified in his reaction to Mr Fabregas, who acted throughout in a manner befitting a cartoon weasel in a great big flowery blouse. The jury was not impressed by Mr Fabregas's pacifist Gandhi-routine, which followed the cheeky slap he thought he had got away with."
Chelsea manager Antonio Conte was unavailable for comment, but fan club spokesman Raymond Cist told reporters where to stick their microphones in no uncertain terms.
Saturday 3 December 2016
Pards says Palace defenders were doing Mannequin Challenge
Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew has claimed his side's disastrous defending against Swansea last week was because they were doing the 'Mannequin Challenge'.
Palace defenders appeared to be standing around rooted to the spot during several of Swansea's goals during the 5-4 defeat. However, Pardew explained that they were merely copying the popular viral internet trend.
"I really don't see what all the fuss is about - we were merely entering into the spirit of things. If Man City had done it, you'd all be calling Guardiola a genius."
Pardew recently made the news after calling for Palace's sash to be reintegrated into their kit design; he claims the club derives power from its sash.
Palace defenders appeared to be standing around rooted to the spot during several of Swansea's goals during the 5-4 defeat. However, Pardew explained that they were merely copying the popular viral internet trend.
"I really don't see what all the fuss is about - we were merely entering into the spirit of things. If Man City had done it, you'd all be calling Guardiola a genius."
Pardew recently made the news after calling for Palace's sash to be reintegrated into their kit design; he claims the club derives power from its sash.
Friday 2 December 2016
Increase in xenophobic attacks on footballers
Anti-racist campaigners have raised concerns about the sharp rise in xenophobic abuse of footballers post-Brexit.
Several incidents involving high-profile players have been reported during recent weeks, including Chelsea midfielders Eden Hazard and Willian, who were assaulted at a training session by members of the public for being too flash.
Mesut Özil closed his Twitter account after he was inundated with abusive messages accusing him of using fancy European footwork instead of traditional British footballing moves.
One anonymous campaigner told Footballs Today that some players were too frightened to play short, skilful passes.
However, German Leicester defender Robert Huth said that some players need to do more to integrate: "I've been in this country for years with no problems whatsoever, because I made the effort to adapt to the British way of life by learning how to elbow players in the ribs and boot the ball into the stands. I've been doing it ever since and the fans love it."
Several incidents involving high-profile players have been reported during recent weeks, including Chelsea midfielders Eden Hazard and Willian, who were assaulted at a training session by members of the public for being too flash.
Mesut Özil closed his Twitter account after he was inundated with abusive messages accusing him of using fancy European footwork instead of traditional British footballing moves.
One anonymous campaigner told Footballs Today that some players were too frightened to play short, skilful passes.
However, German Leicester defender Robert Huth said that some players need to do more to integrate: "I've been in this country for years with no problems whatsoever, because I made the effort to adapt to the British way of life by learning how to elbow players in the ribs and boot the ball into the stands. I've been doing it ever since and the fans love it."
Thursday 1 December 2016
Refs to be outsourced to G4S
The government is set to give the green light to the outsourcing of football match officials in England and Scotland to private security contractor G4S.
The news is likely to provoke an outcry from critics, amid concerns over the corporatisation of the game and its implications for referee impartiality and competence.
A spokesman for G4S said on Newsnight that the company was perfectly capable of supplying professional-quality referees and line officials, and would under no circumstances be colluding with bookmakers or looking to appease shareholders at certain football clubs.
However, independent football watchdog Offside UK has raised questions about the standard of refereeing G4S will offer, after it emerged that their registered match officials include disgraced former MP Neil Hamilton and wife Christine, 'Shoe Bomber' Richard Reid and Mark Thatcher, who tasered a 74 year-old defender to death by mistake in a charity match.
The news is likely to provoke an outcry from critics, amid concerns over the corporatisation of the game and its implications for referee impartiality and competence.
A spokesman for G4S said on Newsnight that the company was perfectly capable of supplying professional-quality referees and line officials, and would under no circumstances be colluding with bookmakers or looking to appease shareholders at certain football clubs.
However, independent football watchdog Offside UK has raised questions about the standard of refereeing G4S will offer, after it emerged that their registered match officials include disgraced former MP Neil Hamilton and wife Christine, 'Shoe Bomber' Richard Reid and Mark Thatcher, who tasered a 74 year-old defender to death by mistake in a charity match.
Jose in Fidel funeral snub
Jose Mourinho has been barred from attending Fidel Castro's funeral. The hapless Portuguese former big-timer was due to travel to Havana for the state funeral as the representative of European football, but his visa was rejected by the Cuban authorities, who felt he was too much of a wanker. Instead, Joey Barton and Gary Lineker will join Diego Maradona and others as they lay a wreath on behalf of ordinary working footballers.
Although Castro was more enthusiastic about baseball than football, his legacy is regarded by many as a major advance in the fair treatment of sportsmen and women. However, not everybody in the world of football saw his role as a positive one: a statement condemning the Cuban leader's undemocratic despotism, signed by several owners and shareholders of major Premiership clubs - including Roman Abramovich, Stan Kroenke and the Glazer brothers - was read out by Paolo Di Canio outside the House of Lords. The irony was not lost on one passerby, who was heard giggling before being neutralised by anti-terrorist units.
Although Castro was more enthusiastic about baseball than football, his legacy is regarded by many as a major advance in the fair treatment of sportsmen and women. However, not everybody in the world of football saw his role as a positive one: a statement condemning the Cuban leader's undemocratic despotism, signed by several owners and shareholders of major Premiership clubs - including Roman Abramovich, Stan Kroenke and the Glazer brothers - was read out by Paolo Di Canio outside the House of Lords. The irony was not lost on one passerby, who was heard giggling before being neutralised by anti-terrorist units.
Tuesday 29 November 2016
Mourinho victim of bad karma
Religious leaders have tried to explain the spate of tragic football news this week, most notably the Chapocoense plane crash but also the historic sex abuse allegations in the UK.
The Pope told a Vatican press conference that everything was part of God's mysterious plan, and it was not ours to question why such awful things have to happen to innocent people. We had better continue worshipping God lest we make Him even more angry; we wouldn't want Him to unleash another bout of Black Death on us. His thoughts were echoed by his counterparts in religions throughout the world.
The Dalai Lama took the opportunity to confirm that Jose Mourinho's run of bad luck is due to karma. The exiled Tibetan Buddhist leader told reporters he believed Manchester United continue to drop points in matches they dominate as payback for Mourinho's previous managerial incarnations as a smug tosser.
However, former Chelsea and England captain John Terry was quick to condemn the Dalai Lama's verdict in a series of vitriolic tweets that were later deleted, in which he described the spiritual leader as a "Jealous bald cunt who can't even kick a ball", and that he should "Fuck off back to Nirvana".
Mourinho is currently still being held at a Manchester police station after being arrested for kicking a water bottle during Sunday's home draw against West Ham. It's the third time this season he's been detained, having previously been caught twice trying to obtain nuclear weapons. The FA is expected to issue an order limiting him to watching games chained to the radiator in the staff canteen for the rest of the season.
The Pope told a Vatican press conference that everything was part of God's mysterious plan, and it was not ours to question why such awful things have to happen to innocent people. We had better continue worshipping God lest we make Him even more angry; we wouldn't want Him to unleash another bout of Black Death on us. His thoughts were echoed by his counterparts in religions throughout the world.
The Dalai Lama took the opportunity to confirm that Jose Mourinho's run of bad luck is due to karma. The exiled Tibetan Buddhist leader told reporters he believed Manchester United continue to drop points in matches they dominate as payback for Mourinho's previous managerial incarnations as a smug tosser.
However, former Chelsea and England captain John Terry was quick to condemn the Dalai Lama's verdict in a series of vitriolic tweets that were later deleted, in which he described the spiritual leader as a "Jealous bald cunt who can't even kick a ball", and that he should "Fuck off back to Nirvana".
Mourinho is currently still being held at a Manchester police station after being arrested for kicking a water bottle during Sunday's home draw against West Ham. It's the third time this season he's been detained, having previously been caught twice trying to obtain nuclear weapons. The FA is expected to issue an order limiting him to watching games chained to the radiator in the staff canteen for the rest of the season.
Thursday 24 November 2016
Football clubs obliged to have even more strips
Radical new regulations regarding football strips in England and Scotland are set to be applied next season. Sports Minister Tracey Crouch has given the go-ahead for the rule change, under which clubs will be required to wear a completely different strip for each game.
Business leaders including Sir Richard Branson and Lord Sugar yesterday voiced their approval of the decision; many applauded the government's strong hand in obliging clubs to diversify their home colours and offer a wider range of shirts for supporters. These are thought to include:
Chelsea's 7th kit in rhubarb and custard
MK Dons' 27th kit in nicotine yellow with 3-D chevrons
Southend United's 3rd Tuesday night kit in oatmeal and puce with mallard-green polka dot sleeves
Bury's special Pancake Day kit featuring a purple sash and a denim headband
However, the move is likely to go down badly among fans, many of whom are already unhappy at the ever-increasing variety and cost of shirts. In the past, teams would play away matches in their home colours unless they coincided with those of the opponent, whereas now most teams have two away strips which they rotate.
A spokesman for independent football watchdog Offside UK told us: "Football shirts can cost 60 pounds, with new designs every year. We feel the pressure on fans to buy at least 40 shirts for their kids would be a step too far."
The news comes in the same week that the FA announced England would henceforth be playing all matches in "Fallen Red" - shirts soaked in the blood of British heroes who died for freedom during the unprovoked invasion of Iraq - despite contravening strict FIFA laws on the use of political symbols.
Business leaders including Sir Richard Branson and Lord Sugar yesterday voiced their approval of the decision; many applauded the government's strong hand in obliging clubs to diversify their home colours and offer a wider range of shirts for supporters. These are thought to include:
Chelsea's 7th kit in rhubarb and custard
MK Dons' 27th kit in nicotine yellow with 3-D chevrons
Southend United's 3rd Tuesday night kit in oatmeal and puce with mallard-green polka dot sleeves
Bury's special Pancake Day kit featuring a purple sash and a denim headband
However, the move is likely to go down badly among fans, many of whom are already unhappy at the ever-increasing variety and cost of shirts. In the past, teams would play away matches in their home colours unless they coincided with those of the opponent, whereas now most teams have two away strips which they rotate.
A spokesman for independent football watchdog Offside UK told us: "Football shirts can cost 60 pounds, with new designs every year. We feel the pressure on fans to buy at least 40 shirts for their kids would be a step too far."
The news comes in the same week that the FA announced England would henceforth be playing all matches in "Fallen Red" - shirts soaked in the blood of British heroes who died for freedom during the unprovoked invasion of Iraq - despite contravening strict FIFA laws on the use of political symbols.
Monday 21 November 2016
Mourinho sacks himself
Jose Mourinho has accidentally sacked himself as Manchester United manager. It happened after Saturday's home draw against Arsenal, in which United dominated the match but conceded a late Olivier Giroud equaliser.
According to eyewitnesses, the handsome but volatile Portugee was so dismayed by the result he impulsively fired the manager on the spot, instructing staff to seize his club ID and change the combination to his office lock.
Police were called to United's Carrington training ground Monday morning after Mourinho was refused entry and started vandalising a vending machine in anger. Reports suggest the matter has now been resolved.
Mourinho had initially blamed both referee Andre Marriner and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich for the confusion, before players managed to convince him that he had in fact dismissed himself.
According to eyewitnesses, the handsome but volatile Portugee was so dismayed by the result he impulsively fired the manager on the spot, instructing staff to seize his club ID and change the combination to his office lock.
Police were called to United's Carrington training ground Monday morning after Mourinho was refused entry and started vandalising a vending machine in anger. Reports suggest the matter has now been resolved.
Mourinho had initially blamed both referee Andre Marriner and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich for the confusion, before players managed to convince him that he had in fact dismissed himself.
Sunday 20 November 2016
Investigation reveals football legends were deviants
In light of the shocking news that Wayne Rooney was spotted having drinks past his bedtime three days before a meaningless friendly international match, Footballs Today has uncovered a startling legacy of widespread misbehaviour at the very top of the football world.
Our investigative journalists found that many of football's most revered players from the past were serial individualists who not only drank and smoked, but went so far as to have dissenting political opinions. Several of them were even photographed without remembrance poppies.
The revelations will undoubtedly lead to calls for a major reassessment of the now tainted legacy of players such as Diego Maradona, Johann Cruyff, George Best and Socrates. The full list will be named and shamed in the Mail on Sunday.
We have passed on details to the police of one incident in the 1970s when Fulham players Rodney Marsh and Bobby Moore shared a bottle of rum and a doobie during open play in an FA Cup match.
Our investigative journalists found that many of football's most revered players from the past were serial individualists who not only drank and smoked, but went so far as to have dissenting political opinions. Several of them were even photographed without remembrance poppies.
The revelations will undoubtedly lead to calls for a major reassessment of the now tainted legacy of players such as Diego Maradona, Johann Cruyff, George Best and Socrates. The full list will be named and shamed in the Mail on Sunday.
We have passed on details to the police of one incident in the 1970s when Fulham players Rodney Marsh and Bobby Moore shared a bottle of rum and a doobie during open play in an FA Cup match.
Wednesday 16 November 2016
Pep bans exciting music
More details have emerged of Pep Guardiola's regime at Manchester City, following news that he instructed his players not to have sex after midnight. In an effort to minimise strain on the players' bodies, the Spaniard has also banned music likely to excite or agitate, and has drawn up a list of artists deemed safe to listen to.
Guardiola's assistant Brian Kidd told reporters: "Most footballers have a pretty dull taste in music to be honest, so they're not too bothered about listening to nothing but Adele or Coldplay. One or two of the lads are missing their rap music, but it hasn't been a problem - except for Pablo Zabaleta, who refused to hand over his Herbie Hancock albums; as a punishment he has to play in jeans for two weeks and train in the park with Samir Nasri."
Guardiola suggested players read something inspirational at bedtime instead of having sex, so he has distributed bibles and korans; non-religious players have had to make do with Richard Branson autobiographies.
Guardiola's assistant Brian Kidd told reporters: "Most footballers have a pretty dull taste in music to be honest, so they're not too bothered about listening to nothing but Adele or Coldplay. One or two of the lads are missing their rap music, but it hasn't been a problem - except for Pablo Zabaleta, who refused to hand over his Herbie Hancock albums; as a punishment he has to play in jeans for two weeks and train in the park with Samir Nasri."
Guardiola suggested players read something inspirational at bedtime instead of having sex, so he has distributed bibles and korans; non-religious players have had to make do with Richard Branson autobiographies.
Tuesday 15 November 2016
Trump U-turn on football
US president elect Donald Trump has made a dramatic U-turn on his policy towards football. The tycoon had previously vowed to make football illegal should he win the presidency, describing it as an un-American import.
However, he has instead indicated a policy reversal by appointing Michel Platini and Sepp Blatter as his chief sports advisors. Trump is said to be impressed by their entrepreneurship in the face of bureaucracy.
Speaking off the cuff in his bathrobe, Trump told a press conference the USA would offer to host the Africa Cup of Nations due to be held in Gabon next year, as a friendly gesture to counterbalance accusations of racism. The offer was later retracted in a series of uncharacteristically coherent tweets.
However, he has instead indicated a policy reversal by appointing Michel Platini and Sepp Blatter as his chief sports advisors. Trump is said to be impressed by their entrepreneurship in the face of bureaucracy.
Speaking off the cuff in his bathrobe, Trump told a press conference the USA would offer to host the Africa Cup of Nations due to be held in Gabon next year, as a friendly gesture to counterbalance accusations of racism. The offer was later retracted in a series of uncharacteristically coherent tweets.
Sunday 13 November 2016
Government looks to ban fantasy football
The British government has appealed to the UN, requesting a total ban on fantasy football sites after it emerged that the popular online game is being used to convey tactical messages between pro-Syrian government forces.
MI6 officers discovered that certain fantasy formations are used as code to send messages in order to coordinate movements around Islamist insurgent-held East Aleppo.
They noticed that an attacking formation of Aguero, Lukaku and Costa was followed several times by heavy air bombardment, whereas a forward line of Janssen and Rooney appeared to indicate a ceasefire. Worsening weather conditions were communicated by making a Man Utd player captain.
Prime Minister Theresa May yesterday pledged to cut public spending on disabled pensioners in order to establish an emergency fund for improving Islamist rebels' knowledge of Premier League football. She warned that otherwise the war would be over far too soon.
MI6 officers discovered that certain fantasy formations are used as code to send messages in order to coordinate movements around Islamist insurgent-held East Aleppo.
They noticed that an attacking formation of Aguero, Lukaku and Costa was followed several times by heavy air bombardment, whereas a forward line of Janssen and Rooney appeared to indicate a ceasefire. Worsening weather conditions were communicated by making a Man Utd player captain.
Prime Minister Theresa May yesterday pledged to cut public spending on disabled pensioners in order to establish an emergency fund for improving Islamist rebels' knowledge of Premier League football. She warned that otherwise the war would be over far too soon.
Saturday 12 November 2016
Wikileaks reveals referee corruption
Documents released by Wikileaks this week have uncovered evidence of collusion between football match officials and major clubs.
Of particular interest are transcripts of an email correspondence between Sir Alex Ferguson and referee Mike Riley, often accused by fans of showing bias towards Manchester United. In one email Sir Alec offers Riley - whom he addresses as "sugar plum" - a personal tour of his famous wine cellar, followed by a private candlelit dinner. In another exchange, two days after Riley himself scored the winning penalty against Liverpool in 2003, Ferguson congratulates Riley on his impartiality and asks him whether he likes the finest Belgian chocolates.
Other revelations include details of Robin Van Persie's controversial sending off for Arsenal at Barcelona in a Champions League return leg in 2011.The Dutchman was harshly sent off by referee Massimo Busacca for kicking the ball after the referee's whistle had blown. However, classified UEFA records show that false charges against Van Persie had been prepared in advance in the event of a possible Barcelona defeat; the charges included jaywalking, home-taping and possession of magic mushrooms with intent to supply. Barcelona went on to win the fixture after Van Persie's dismissal.
Both the FA and FIFA were today refusing to comment, but a secretary at FIFA's Zurich headquarters unofficially told a Footballs Today reporter to piss off and stop wasting everyone's time.
More details to follow.
Of particular interest are transcripts of an email correspondence between Sir Alex Ferguson and referee Mike Riley, often accused by fans of showing bias towards Manchester United. In one email Sir Alec offers Riley - whom he addresses as "sugar plum" - a personal tour of his famous wine cellar, followed by a private candlelit dinner. In another exchange, two days after Riley himself scored the winning penalty against Liverpool in 2003, Ferguson congratulates Riley on his impartiality and asks him whether he likes the finest Belgian chocolates.
Other revelations include details of Robin Van Persie's controversial sending off for Arsenal at Barcelona in a Champions League return leg in 2011.The Dutchman was harshly sent off by referee Massimo Busacca for kicking the ball after the referee's whistle had blown. However, classified UEFA records show that false charges against Van Persie had been prepared in advance in the event of a possible Barcelona defeat; the charges included jaywalking, home-taping and possession of magic mushrooms with intent to supply. Barcelona went on to win the fixture after Van Persie's dismissal.
Both the FA and FIFA were today refusing to comment, but a secretary at FIFA's Zurich headquarters unofficially told a Footballs Today reporter to piss off and stop wasting everyone's time.
More details to follow.
Friday 11 November 2016
Friedel in running for Secretary of Defense
Leaked documents suggest former USA and Blackburn goalkeeper Brad Friedel is on the shortlist for Secretary of Defense.
The veteran shot-stopper retired from football last year after a professional career spanning 21 years. President elect Donald Trump is said to be impressed by Friedel's experience at organising defence against the toughest opponents.
His appointment would signal a less hawkish approach to foreign policy and a possible thaw in relations with Russia.
However, Friedel faces stiff opposition from outspoken rock singer Ted Nugent, who critics fear will convince Trump to make him Defense Secretary instead so he can nuke the lot of them and be done with it.
The veteran shot-stopper retired from football last year after a professional career spanning 21 years. President elect Donald Trump is said to be impressed by Friedel's experience at organising defence against the toughest opponents.
His appointment would signal a less hawkish approach to foreign policy and a possible thaw in relations with Russia.
However, Friedel faces stiff opposition from outspoken rock singer Ted Nugent, who critics fear will convince Trump to make him Defense Secretary instead so he can nuke the lot of them and be done with it.
Thursday 10 November 2016
Di Canio in shock FIFA presidency bid
Paolo Di Canio is preparing a campaign to become FIFA president, according to press reports.
Inspired by Donald Trump's surprise success in becoming president of the US, the former West Ham and Lazio striker told bemused diners at London's Hard Rock Cafe that he felt the time was right for a populist fascist candidate to make a bid for the FIFA presidency.
Moving on to a popular nearby Wetherspoon's establishment, the Italian outlined his policies to fellow pubgoers. These are understood to include:
Building a wall around Germany in order to stop them coming and taking all the trophies
Repatriation of Mario Balotelli to anywhere in Africa
Roman Catholic Mass held during half-time at all international matches
Gay players banned from all competition, including Arjen Robben, who "runs like a girl"
Di Canio also told an unnamed minicab driver later the same evening that he was appointing celebrated businessman and coupist Mark Thatcher as his campaign manager.
Inspired by Donald Trump's surprise success in becoming president of the US, the former West Ham and Lazio striker told bemused diners at London's Hard Rock Cafe that he felt the time was right for a populist fascist candidate to make a bid for the FIFA presidency.
Moving on to a popular nearby Wetherspoon's establishment, the Italian outlined his policies to fellow pubgoers. These are understood to include:
Building a wall around Germany in order to stop them coming and taking all the trophies
Repatriation of Mario Balotelli to anywhere in Africa
Roman Catholic Mass held during half-time at all international matches
Gay players banned from all competition, including Arjen Robben, who "runs like a girl"
Di Canio also told an unnamed minicab driver later the same evening that he was appointing celebrated businessman and coupist Mark Thatcher as his campaign manager.
Wednesday 9 November 2016
Chelsea opposes new Heathrow runway
Chelsea FC has written to the government opposing plans to build a third runway at Heathrow airport, following the Airport Commission's recommendation.
The West London club had earmarked the site to house the many players they have out on loan in the event of a recall. It cites the scarcity of brownfield sites within a 20-mile radius of the club's training facilities at Cobham, and claims housing in London is insufficient to take the strain of such a sudden population influx.
Manager Antonio Conte is said to be keen to bolster up his squad in January; given Chelsea's recent good form Roman Abramovich may be inclined to give him a free hand in recalling as many loaned players as he chooses.
Chelsea supporters spokesman Raymond Cist told reporters it was a disgrace there wasn't enough housing in the area for the players; he volunteered to round up some mates and scare a few muslim families out of their homes.
The West London club had earmarked the site to house the many players they have out on loan in the event of a recall. It cites the scarcity of brownfield sites within a 20-mile radius of the club's training facilities at Cobham, and claims housing in London is insufficient to take the strain of such a sudden population influx.
Manager Antonio Conte is said to be keen to bolster up his squad in January; given Chelsea's recent good form Roman Abramovich may be inclined to give him a free hand in recalling as many loaned players as he chooses.
Chelsea supporters spokesman Raymond Cist told reporters it was a disgrace there wasn't enough housing in the area for the players; he volunteered to round up some mates and scare a few muslim families out of their homes.
Tuesday 8 November 2016
Big Sam claims asylum
News is breaking that disgraced former England manager Sam Allardyce has applied to China for asylum.
According to eye witness reports, the Dudley-born former defender has been holed up in the Golden Dragon Chinese restaurant near his home in Bolton since last Thursday.
It is understood Allardyce was inspired by Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who has been living at the Ecuadorian embassy in London for four years in order to avoid extradition to the US.
Allardyce shouted through the restaurant toilet window to confused passersby that the FA and media were out to get him, and that he wasn't budging until he got to speak directly to Chinese president Xi Jinping.
More news to follow.
According to eye witness reports, the Dudley-born former defender has been holed up in the Golden Dragon Chinese restaurant near his home in Bolton since last Thursday.
It is understood Allardyce was inspired by Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who has been living at the Ecuadorian embassy in London for four years in order to avoid extradition to the US.
Allardyce shouted through the restaurant toilet window to confused passersby that the FA and media were out to get him, and that he wasn't budging until he got to speak directly to Chinese president Xi Jinping.
More news to follow.
All-Star match to divert attention from US election
A football match has been hastily arranged to coincide with the US election results.
The game will be held at Cliftonhill, home to Albion Rovers, with the kick-off scheduled for 4AM Wednesday morning, when the election result is expected to be announced. In the event of a recount, the referee has been instructed to indefinitely prolong injury time.
An All-Star 11 will square off against a volunteer team operating on a first-come, first-served basis. Ron Atkinson has been named as manager, while players include former legends Bruce Grobelaar, Carlton Palmer, Chopper Harris, Rivaldo (who will perform his face-clutching routine at half-time), David Bentley and Henrikh Mkhitaryan.
The event is being arranged by charity organisation Samaritans in the light of concerns about a widespread epidemic of depression at the prospect of victory for either American candidate and the effects it will have on the rest of the world.
The game will be held at Cliftonhill, home to Albion Rovers, with the kick-off scheduled for 4AM Wednesday morning, when the election result is expected to be announced. In the event of a recount, the referee has been instructed to indefinitely prolong injury time.
An All-Star 11 will square off against a volunteer team operating on a first-come, first-served basis. Ron Atkinson has been named as manager, while players include former legends Bruce Grobelaar, Carlton Palmer, Chopper Harris, Rivaldo (who will perform his face-clutching routine at half-time), David Bentley and Henrikh Mkhitaryan.
The event is being arranged by charity organisation Samaritans in the light of concerns about a widespread epidemic of depression at the prospect of victory for either American candidate and the effects it will have on the rest of the world.
Monday 7 November 2016
Rule change proposals for post-Brexit domestic football
Minister for Sport Tracey Crouch today outlined the Conservative government's plans for post-Brexit British football.
Under the slogan "We want our game back", the plans involve undoing FIFA-imposed rules of the game, reverting to previous rules. These include:
Back pass to the goalkeeper allowed
Three-player offside: at least three opposition players must stand between a player and the opponent's goal
Goalkeepers may handle the ball outside of their own penalty area
Shorts must be no shorter than knee-length; unmustachioed players shall be ignored by the referee
The proposals were praised by an official spokesperson for the lobby group British Football First -whose members include UKIP leader Nigel Farage and former tennis legend Buster Mottram - who told Footballs Today: "112 years of European meddling in our national sport has turned the beautiful game into the bureaucratic game, where in the name of 'human rights' overpaid and underskilled foreign players have the right to a 15-minute break after a mere 45 minutes' work."
However, ex-footballer and TV presenter Gary Lineker expressed his disapproval of the proposed changes in a series of vitriolic tweets, which were promptly reported to the House Committee on Un-British Activities by celebrity hacktivist Piers Morgan.
Under the slogan "We want our game back", the plans involve undoing FIFA-imposed rules of the game, reverting to previous rules. These include:
Back pass to the goalkeeper allowed
Three-player offside: at least three opposition players must stand between a player and the opponent's goal
Goalkeepers may handle the ball outside of their own penalty area
Shorts must be no shorter than knee-length; unmustachioed players shall be ignored by the referee
The proposals were praised by an official spokesperson for the lobby group British Football First -whose members include UKIP leader Nigel Farage and former tennis legend Buster Mottram - who told Footballs Today: "112 years of European meddling in our national sport has turned the beautiful game into the bureaucratic game, where in the name of 'human rights' overpaid and underskilled foreign players have the right to a 15-minute break after a mere 45 minutes' work."
However, ex-footballer and TV presenter Gary Lineker expressed his disapproval of the proposed changes in a series of vitriolic tweets, which were promptly reported to the House Committee on Un-British Activities by celebrity hacktivist Piers Morgan.
Thursday 3 November 2016
Schweinsteiger starts in goal
Bastian Schweinsteiger's return to the Manchester United squad made headlines earlier this week, with fans all around the world welcoming the popular midfielder back.
However, it turns out that embattled manager Jose Mourinho has decided to start the World Cup winner in goal for their Premier League clash with Swansea this weekend.
The news has caused outrage among Schweinsteiger's fans in Germany, who today took to Twitter to vent their anger at the mumbling Portuguese's bizarre tactics.
However, Mourinho was unrepentant, telling reporters the German ought to be grateful for any opportunities at this level, and that if Schweinsteiger didn't shape up he'd have no qualms about sticking Mkhitaryan in goal for the second half.
However, it turns out that embattled manager Jose Mourinho has decided to start the World Cup winner in goal for their Premier League clash with Swansea this weekend.
The news has caused outrage among Schweinsteiger's fans in Germany, who today took to Twitter to vent their anger at the mumbling Portuguese's bizarre tactics.
However, Mourinho was unrepentant, telling reporters the German ought to be grateful for any opportunities at this level, and that if Schweinsteiger didn't shape up he'd have no qualms about sticking Mkhitaryan in goal for the second half.
Tuesday 1 November 2016
Footballs Today UK assets seized in swoop
Footballs Today has had its UK assets seized by the state. A Home Office spokesman refused to give details, but it is believed to be part of a crackdown on 'subversive' publications, condemned as Orwellian by critics.
The assets - a three-figure premium bond cheque and a lottery ticket potentially worth millions - were seized in person by G4S personnel during a police raid at 4AM Tuesday morning.
Footballs Today staff today showed up for work undeterred by the sudden loss of earnings. We feel this is a case of blatant censorship and have no intention of bowing to pressure from the Home Office to tone down our content or cease investigating the stories that really matter, such as whether Jose Mourinho purchased a nuclear warhead or whether David Pleat (aka Mr Kipper) murdered Suzy Lamplugh.
We are fully prepared to stand shoulder to shoulder alongside the likes of fellow whistleblowers Edward Snowden and Julian Assange in the struggle for freedom of information.
A fundraising event is being organised at a popular fried chicken outlet in London's bustling West End. Details to follow.
The assets - a three-figure premium bond cheque and a lottery ticket potentially worth millions - were seized in person by G4S personnel during a police raid at 4AM Tuesday morning.
Footballs Today staff today showed up for work undeterred by the sudden loss of earnings. We feel this is a case of blatant censorship and have no intention of bowing to pressure from the Home Office to tone down our content or cease investigating the stories that really matter, such as whether Jose Mourinho purchased a nuclear warhead or whether David Pleat (aka Mr Kipper) murdered Suzy Lamplugh.
We are fully prepared to stand shoulder to shoulder alongside the likes of fellow whistleblowers Edward Snowden and Julian Assange in the struggle for freedom of information.
A fundraising event is being organised at a popular fried chicken outlet in London's bustling West End. Details to follow.
Police warn that poppy snub could spell the end for Barça
Special anti-terrorist police units in Manchester are reportedly on full alert following rumours that Barcelona players will attempt to enter the pitch without remembrance poppies on their shirts during tonight's Champions League fixture against Manchester City at the Etihad stadium.
Under new draconian security measures passed by PM Theresa May, any group of foreigners found not to be wearing poppies at this time of year is to be regarded by police as a threat to security. While it is unlikely that Messi, Neymar and co will be directly targeted by police marksmen, Manchester police today issued a statement warning the Spanish club that their safety could not be guaranteed in the event of a refusal to honour those who died protecting our freedom to say and wear what we want.
The news has sparked outrage on social media from civil rights campaigners. However, others have taken to Twitter to voice their support, including Katie Hopkins and Chelsea fan spokesman Raymond Cist who tweeted: "If Leo Messi doesn't respect our boys, they have every right to do him like they did his fellow argies on the General Belgrano. End of."
Under new draconian security measures passed by PM Theresa May, any group of foreigners found not to be wearing poppies at this time of year is to be regarded by police as a threat to security. While it is unlikely that Messi, Neymar and co will be directly targeted by police marksmen, Manchester police today issued a statement warning the Spanish club that their safety could not be guaranteed in the event of a refusal to honour those who died protecting our freedom to say and wear what we want.
The news has sparked outrage on social media from civil rights campaigners. However, others have taken to Twitter to voice their support, including Katie Hopkins and Chelsea fan spokesman Raymond Cist who tweeted: "If Leo Messi doesn't respect our boys, they have every right to do him like they did his fellow argies on the General Belgrano. End of."
Sunday 30 October 2016
Jose voodoo doll found
A Jose Mourinho voodoo doll has been discovered in a Manchester flat, which experts believe could help explain the former big-timer's spate of misfortune.
Police seized the doll during a raid following a tip-off from an unnamed veteran Chelsea and England captain with connections to petty thieves and fences.
However, it is believed the doll is mass-manufactured in China and that there may be thousands of them in circulation. Police have warned the public to be vigilant and not to touch the dolls, since each tweak could affect Ibrahimovich's kicking ability or the Portuguese manager's ability to speak beyond a despondent mumble.
Police seized the doll during a raid following a tip-off from an unnamed veteran Chelsea and England captain with connections to petty thieves and fences.
However, it is believed the doll is mass-manufactured in China and that there may be thousands of them in circulation. Police have warned the public to be vigilant and not to touch the dolls, since each tweak could affect Ibrahimovich's kicking ability or the Portuguese manager's ability to speak beyond a despondent mumble.
Friday 28 October 2016
FA erases Lineker's England goals
Former England striker and TV presenter Gary Lineker has had his England goal tally expunged by the FA, following comments he made last week.
Lineker had called for compassion from the British public over its treatment of and attitude towards unaccompanied child refugees. However, his stance was poorly received by both the FA and the government, who released a joint press statement denouncing the ex-Grampus Eight forward as "unpatriotic", and confirming that they have decided to erase his 48 goals for England from the official record. The goals will instead be attributed to FA president HRH the Prince of William.
The news was welcomed by former British tennis legend Sir Buster Mottram, who told frightened passersby that it represented "an important victory for the indigenous clansmen of Albion against the Muslim apologists on Match of the Day."
Meanwhile, non-league Cathedral City have become the first club to bar asylum seekers from their staff. Club chairman Trevor Lunk says that so far two players have been dismissed: one because he was an orphan whose parents might have come from any old place, and the other because he was born in Scotland, and they weren't one hundred percent sure whether that counted as England or not.
Lineker had called for compassion from the British public over its treatment of and attitude towards unaccompanied child refugees. However, his stance was poorly received by both the FA and the government, who released a joint press statement denouncing the ex-Grampus Eight forward as "unpatriotic", and confirming that they have decided to erase his 48 goals for England from the official record. The goals will instead be attributed to FA president HRH the Prince of William.
The news was welcomed by former British tennis legend Sir Buster Mottram, who told frightened passersby that it represented "an important victory for the indigenous clansmen of Albion against the Muslim apologists on Match of the Day."
Meanwhile, non-league Cathedral City have become the first club to bar asylum seekers from their staff. Club chairman Trevor Lunk says that so far two players have been dismissed: one because he was an orphan whose parents might have come from any old place, and the other because he was born in Scotland, and they weren't one hundred percent sure whether that counted as England or not.
Thursday 20 October 2016
City players "no Corrie legends yet"
Barcelona manager Luis Enrique praised his ex-teammate Pep Guardiola's efforts to improve Manchester City after their defeat last night at the Camp Nou, but he also warned that it will take time before his team can join the ranks of Manchester greats such as Coronation Street legends Deidre Barlow or Ena Sharples.
Enrique surprised reporters by revealing his love for the long-running soap opera, which he sees as a role model of stability to inspire his team to continued success.
The Barça boss told a stunned press conference: "Without Aguero up front, I felt City were missing that strong Len Fairclough figure - minus the swimming pool paedo allegations, needless to say."
He went on to describe City keeper Claudio Bravo's dismissal after a deliberate handball outside of the penalty area as reminiscent of a darker chapter in Manchester's history - that of the infamous Moors Murderers Brady and Hindley.
Enrique surprised reporters by revealing his love for the long-running soap opera, which he sees as a role model of stability to inspire his team to continued success.
The Barça boss told a stunned press conference: "Without Aguero up front, I felt City were missing that strong Len Fairclough figure - minus the swimming pool paedo allegations, needless to say."
He went on to describe City keeper Claudio Bravo's dismissal after a deliberate handball outside of the penalty area as reminiscent of a darker chapter in Manchester's history - that of the infamous Moors Murderers Brady and Hindley.
Thursday 13 October 2016
Fergie awarded Nobel prize
Sir Alex Ferguson today became the first football manager to win the Nobel prize for literature. The Swedish academy praised the Scot for his autobiographies, the first of which paved the way for stylistically similar works by other football luminaries such as G.Strachan and J.Stam.
Sir Alex was unavailable for comment, but he is expected to tell a press conference that he couldn't have done it with help from his friends, and that he would like to thank himself for all the hard work behind his achievement.
Sir Alex was unavailable for comment, but he is expected to tell a press conference that he couldn't have done it with help from his friends, and that he would like to thank himself for all the hard work behind his achievement.
Friday 7 October 2016
England players want better magic sponges
Senior England players have made an official complaint to the FA about the level of medical care they have been receiving lately.
The news comes shortly after it was revealed that disgraced ex-manager Sam Allardyce had outsourced the England medical department to Laboratoires Garnier. The former Sunderland boss, affectionately nicknamed Big, had pressed for the change due to Garnier's position at the cutting edge of scientific research. However, police later confiscated three crateloads of hair care products from Allardyce's Bolton home.
A spokesman for Laboratoires Garnier told reporters there had been some minor teething problems with their treatment of injuries, but he pointed out that the players' skin was looking sensational.
The news comes shortly after it was revealed that disgraced ex-manager Sam Allardyce had outsourced the England medical department to Laboratoires Garnier. The former Sunderland boss, affectionately nicknamed Big, had pressed for the change due to Garnier's position at the cutting edge of scientific research. However, police later confiscated three crateloads of hair care products from Allardyce's Bolton home.
A spokesman for Laboratoires Garnier told reporters there had been some minor teething problems with their treatment of injuries, but he pointed out that the players' skin was looking sensational.
Tuesday 4 October 2016
Theo in shock drugs setback
Theo Walcott's amazing renaissance has hit a wall after the fleet-footed Arsenal player tested positive for drugs following his impressive performance in the Gunners' recent defeat of Chelsea.
He astounded doctors by testing positive for LSD, a powerful hallucinogenic which influenced '60s luminaries such as the Beatles, Charles Manson and Cilla Black.
Walcott himself was unrepentant, telling reporters: "I have no regrets; under the influence of Lucy I was able to see the team as an integrated unit, intuitively feel the correct passes, and realise my full potential as a living, breathing, caring, beautiful footballer. Without acid I'll be useless again."
He is expected to receive a lengthy ban which will almost certainly end his hopes of being included in England's World Cup squad. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is understood to be hopping mad.
He astounded doctors by testing positive for LSD, a powerful hallucinogenic which influenced '60s luminaries such as the Beatles, Charles Manson and Cilla Black.
Walcott himself was unrepentant, telling reporters: "I have no regrets; under the influence of Lucy I was able to see the team as an integrated unit, intuitively feel the correct passes, and realise my full potential as a living, breathing, caring, beautiful footballer. Without acid I'll be useless again."
He is expected to receive a lengthy ban which will almost certainly end his hopes of being included in England's World Cup squad. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is understood to be hopping mad.
Derren Brown in the frame for England job
TV mentalist Derren Brown has defied the pundits by emerging as a frontrunner for the vacant England manager's position. An FA insider told Footballs Today that senior officials believe Brown's command of mind control could prove useful on the football pitch.
While it is generally accepted that England's scarcity of world class talent renders them doomed to mediocrity, Brown's powers could instead be turned on England's opponents - in the best case scenario causing them to break down in tears and call for their mummies. If that doesn't work it is hoped he can always try to brainwash the referee into disallowing opposition goals.
Meanwhile, big-nosed England caretaker manager Gareth Southgate is said to have ordered the manager's seat to be reupholstered after his short-lived predecessor Sam Allardyce managed to stain it beyond repair with an array of condiments.
While it is generally accepted that England's scarcity of world class talent renders them doomed to mediocrity, Brown's powers could instead be turned on England's opponents - in the best case scenario causing them to break down in tears and call for their mummies. If that doesn't work it is hoped he can always try to brainwash the referee into disallowing opposition goals.
Meanwhile, big-nosed England caretaker manager Gareth Southgate is said to have ordered the manager's seat to be reupholstered after his short-lived predecessor Sam Allardyce managed to stain it beyond repair with an array of condiments.
Wednesday 28 September 2016
Big Sam faces fresh charges
Sacked England manager Sam Allardyce faces new allegations after a hoard of England football merchandise and sports equipment was discovered stockpiled at his home in Bolton.
Greater Manchester police received a tip-off that led them to the disgraced former Blackburn manager's house after an enormous amount of official FA merchandise was spotted being sold at a nearby pound shop. The police had earlier investigated a reported theft at the England training facilities, where thieves had stolen everything, including the goals. There is an unconfirmed report that the dismantled goalposts were found in Allardyce's back garden.
Police have also confiscated a sackful of scotch eggs and sausage rolls believed to have been taken from the FA canteen. However, it is understood that Allardyce has made "considerable inroads" into finishing them off and it is unsure exactly how much food has been left untouched.
More details to follow.
Greater Manchester police received a tip-off that led them to the disgraced former Blackburn manager's house after an enormous amount of official FA merchandise was spotted being sold at a nearby pound shop. The police had earlier investigated a reported theft at the England training facilities, where thieves had stolen everything, including the goals. There is an unconfirmed report that the dismantled goalposts were found in Allardyce's back garden.
Police have also confiscated a sackful of scotch eggs and sausage rolls believed to have been taken from the FA canteen. However, it is understood that Allardyce has made "considerable inroads" into finishing them off and it is unsure exactly how much food has been left untouched.
More details to follow.
Sunday 25 September 2016
Chinese clubs step up Euro raid
Chinese football clubs are upping their bid to lure talent away from Europe to the Chinese Super League. Over the past few years many prominent players such as Graziano Pelle, Jackson Martinez and Ramires have been tempted away by the eye-watering wages on offer, higher than those of even the richest premiership clubs.
Now it has emerged that China is launching a new offensive by offering players and managers so-called 'personality deals', which could see some of the game's more colourful characters heading east:
Jose Mourinho has reportedly been offered a 20% pay rise on his current deal at Manchester United if he agrees to personally insult and pull the hair of rival managers, plus storm out of at least one major press conference; Joe Hart has received a similar offer as long as he meets the requirements of dropping one clanger per month and having millions of Chinamen laugh at him in the street every day; Diego Costa has been offered Chinese citizenship and the national team's captaincy if he agrees to wear a pantomime villain's mask and kick puppies and babies behind the referee's back.
While seen as a worrying development by most, former president of UEFA Michel Platini has urged European clubs to adopt a similar approach to the Chinese, telling reporters that he has a few ideas of his own if anyone is interested.
Now it has emerged that China is launching a new offensive by offering players and managers so-called 'personality deals', which could see some of the game's more colourful characters heading east:
Jose Mourinho has reportedly been offered a 20% pay rise on his current deal at Manchester United if he agrees to personally insult and pull the hair of rival managers, plus storm out of at least one major press conference; Joe Hart has received a similar offer as long as he meets the requirements of dropping one clanger per month and having millions of Chinamen laugh at him in the street every day; Diego Costa has been offered Chinese citizenship and the national team's captaincy if he agrees to wear a pantomime villain's mask and kick puppies and babies behind the referee's back.
While seen as a worrying development by most, former president of UEFA Michel Platini has urged European clubs to adopt a similar approach to the Chinese, telling reporters that he has a few ideas of his own if anyone is interested.
Monday 19 September 2016
Pep defies no smirking ban
Sensational footage has emerged of Man City boss Pep Guardiola smirking and looking secretly pleased with himself. The leaked CCTV images were uploaded to a City supporters website and appear to show Guardiola repeatedly smirking; later he is seen slapping his knees and holding his sides as he is joined by City assistant director of football Noel Gallagher.
Guardiola has denied that rival manager Jose Mourinho's woes were the source of his merriment, claiming instead that he was merely enjoying Noel's famously sardonic Manchester wit. That comment in itself, however, is likely to further anger Mourinho who will see it as a jibe aimed at him after his recent tattoo of Manchester comedy legend Bernard Manning drew ire both from anti-racist groups and United fans, who were quick to point out that Manning supported City.
Earlier in the week Mourinho was forced to apologise for snapping the pencil in half of a terminally ill orphan named Sammy who had asked for an autograph - Mourinho had initially claimed the child was an undercover agent working for Guardiola, and had told him to "eat shit".
Guardiola has denied that rival manager Jose Mourinho's woes were the source of his merriment, claiming instead that he was merely enjoying Noel's famously sardonic Manchester wit. That comment in itself, however, is likely to further anger Mourinho who will see it as a jibe aimed at him after his recent tattoo of Manchester comedy legend Bernard Manning drew ire both from anti-racist groups and United fans, who were quick to point out that Manning supported City.
Earlier in the week Mourinho was forced to apologise for snapping the pencil in half of a terminally ill orphan named Sammy who had asked for an autograph - Mourinho had initially claimed the child was an undercover agent working for Guardiola, and had told him to "eat shit".
Sunday 28 August 2016
It's official: football is art
Fans can expect to see some extra special fancy footwork and artistic flourishes on the football pitch this year, after it was announced that the Turner Prize is open to footballers.
The prestigious art prize will now be accepting entries from the world of football, as long as they are deemed special enough to be considered visual art.
Among the footballers rumoured to be interested in the prize is Chelsea's Eden Hazard, who has been working on a 50-yard mid-air triple lutz back-heeler, which he hopes will make the shortlist; Theo Walcott's ongoing portrayal of alienation, displacement and wasted opportunity is also expected to garner praise from the Turner jury, which this year includes celebrity ponces such as Jarvis Cocker and Baron Bragg of Melvyn.
However, some art critics are unhappy: former prize nominee Sam Taylor-Wood described the decision to include footballers as a betrayal of the Turner's tradition of art based on blood, shit, piss, semen and vomit.
The prestigious art prize will now be accepting entries from the world of football, as long as they are deemed special enough to be considered visual art.
Among the footballers rumoured to be interested in the prize is Chelsea's Eden Hazard, who has been working on a 50-yard mid-air triple lutz back-heeler, which he hopes will make the shortlist; Theo Walcott's ongoing portrayal of alienation, displacement and wasted opportunity is also expected to garner praise from the Turner jury, which this year includes celebrity ponces such as Jarvis Cocker and Baron Bragg of Melvyn.
However, some art critics are unhappy: former prize nominee Sam Taylor-Wood described the decision to include footballers as a betrayal of the Turner's tradition of art based on blood, shit, piss, semen and vomit.
Thursday 18 August 2016
Man Utd buy Burundi
Manchester United have signed the entire Football Federation of Burundi.
It is understood the club were interested in signing a couple of players from different teams in the country, but instead decided to circumvent bureaucracy by sending manager Jose Mourinho in person to make an offer to the president of Burundi for the lot. They settled for an undisclosed amount, believed to be in the five-figure region.
However, there has been strong criticism of United's arrangements for the Burundians, after it emerged that players and their families were being forced to bed down on the stands at Old Trafford, with little more than discarded sports drinks and energy bars for food.
A spokesman for the club said they were dealing with the housing situation; he also denied rumours that David De Gea's packed lunch caused a bomb alert resulting in the evacuation of the club's training ground on Tuesday.
It is understood the club were interested in signing a couple of players from different teams in the country, but instead decided to circumvent bureaucracy by sending manager Jose Mourinho in person to make an offer to the president of Burundi for the lot. They settled for an undisclosed amount, believed to be in the five-figure region.
However, there has been strong criticism of United's arrangements for the Burundians, after it emerged that players and their families were being forced to bed down on the stands at Old Trafford, with little more than discarded sports drinks and energy bars for food.
A spokesman for the club said they were dealing with the housing situation; he also denied rumours that David De Gea's packed lunch caused a bomb alert resulting in the evacuation of the club's training ground on Tuesday.
Monday 15 August 2016
Big Sam to reveal all
Inspired by Gary Lineker presenting Match of the Day this weekend in his pants - as he had promised to do should Leicester win the premier league title - new England boss Sam Allardyce has threatened to go one further by managing England in his pants during the World Cup finals in Russia, should England qualify.
His announcement prompted record complaints from viewers; a petition calling for Allardyce to back down had reached over 3 million last night. Police have advised people to keep calm and stay indoors, after rioting linked to Allardyce destroyed properties throughout England.
The news comes less than a week after it was revealed that tv football commentator Guy Mowbray had been commentating stark naked for two years, before a tea boy notified the police.
His announcement prompted record complaints from viewers; a petition calling for Allardyce to back down had reached over 3 million last night. Police have advised people to keep calm and stay indoors, after rioting linked to Allardyce destroyed properties throughout England.
The news comes less than a week after it was revealed that tv football commentator Guy Mowbray had been commentating stark naked for two years, before a tea boy notified the police.
Tuesday 9 August 2016
Di Matteo turns to Pokémon Go
New Aston Villa manager Roberto Di Matteo has reportedly struck a deal with Niantic, makers of Pokémon Go, in a bid to improve the club's meagre goal tally, which saw them relegated last season.
Pokémons will appear in the opposition box in order to encourage the Villa forwards to venture forward. It is understood special software has been installed to detect offside situations. Former Chelsea boss Di Matteo believes the motivation to hunt Pokémons outweighs the disadvantages of having players constantly look at their screens.
Prominent Villa supporter David Cameron expressed his support for the initiative, telling reporters he was "forever blowing bubbles".
Pokémons will appear in the opposition box in order to encourage the Villa forwards to venture forward. It is understood special software has been installed to detect offside situations. Former Chelsea boss Di Matteo believes the motivation to hunt Pokémons outweighs the disadvantages of having players constantly look at their screens.
Prominent Villa supporter David Cameron expressed his support for the initiative, telling reporters he was "forever blowing bubbles".
Wednesday 3 August 2016
Naked football by 2026, say climate boffins
Climate change experts have warned that global warming is likely to lead to nude football matches within a decade, since soaring temperatures will make it too hot to wear football strips.
The news has hit sports clothing manufacturers particularly badly: shares in Adidas and Puma dropped by 30 percent this morning.
However, a spokesman for FIFA told reporters that they were committed to maintaining football's status as a family game; should they be obliged go nude, games would be played in the dark to preserve players' modesty.
The news has hit sports clothing manufacturers particularly badly: shares in Adidas and Puma dropped by 30 percent this morning.
However, a spokesman for FIFA told reporters that they were committed to maintaining football's status as a family game; should they be obliged go nude, games would be played in the dark to preserve players' modesty.
Tuesday 2 August 2016
Pep and Jose vie for Manc credentials
New Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola has stunned the pundits by appointing well-known City fan Noel Gallagher as director of football.
The Blues boss is apparently eager to heal relations with the City fanbase after his reputation took a knock last week when it was revealed he had moved the club's training ground to Spain due to the miserable weather in Manchester.
The news comes just days after his United counterpart Jose Mourinho announced he was incorporating extra baggy shirts into this season's strip as a homage to the 'Madchester' scene of the late '80s.
However, the move may have backfired after hundreds of City fans voiced their disapproval of Gallagher's appointment via social media, with many wondering whether the former Oasis man's infamously rubbish guitar playing wasn't at odds with the sort of modern flair football expected of a Guardiola team.
The Blues boss is apparently eager to heal relations with the City fanbase after his reputation took a knock last week when it was revealed he had moved the club's training ground to Spain due to the miserable weather in Manchester.
The news comes just days after his United counterpart Jose Mourinho announced he was incorporating extra baggy shirts into this season's strip as a homage to the 'Madchester' scene of the late '80s.
However, the move may have backfired after hundreds of City fans voiced their disapproval of Gallagher's appointment via social media, with many wondering whether the former Oasis man's infamously rubbish guitar playing wasn't at odds with the sort of modern flair football expected of a Guardiola team.
Saturday 30 July 2016
Walcott left behind in America
Arsenal have left Theo Walcott behind in California after finshing their pre-season tour of the USA.
Details are sketchy, but it is understood the 27 year-old striker was deliberately given the wrong flight information after attempts to offload him this summer appear to have failed.
A spokesman for the club said he was unaware of Walcott's whereabouts, but they would give it a few weeks before involving the police.
Arsenal have been linked with a move for Riyad Mahrez and Lyon forward Alexandre Lacazette, but so far their only signings of the summer have been San Marino playmaker Antonio Pecorino and a groundsman's assistant named Bob.
Details are sketchy, but it is understood the 27 year-old striker was deliberately given the wrong flight information after attempts to offload him this summer appear to have failed.
A spokesman for the club said he was unaware of Walcott's whereabouts, but they would give it a few weeks before involving the police.
Arsenal have been linked with a move for Riyad Mahrez and Lyon forward Alexandre Lacazette, but so far their only signings of the summer have been San Marino playmaker Antonio Pecorino and a groundsman's assistant named Bob.
Thursday 28 July 2016
Pogba in shock move to Tigers
Manchester Utd target Paul Pogba has sensationally defied the pundits by taking on the vacant manager's position at Hull City.
The Juventus midfielder, valued at a record-breaking €120, told shocked reporters he was fed up with kicking a ball around for a living, and that he had always fancied managing a team close to the seaside.
Former Hull manager and ex-United legend Steve Bruce has said he is available for Jose Mourinho's team at a fraction of Pogba's wages, as long as he can negotiate a less intensive training regime, since he is no longer the spring chicken he was.
More details to follow.
The Juventus midfielder, valued at a record-breaking €120, told shocked reporters he was fed up with kicking a ball around for a living, and that he had always fancied managing a team close to the seaside.
Former Hull manager and ex-United legend Steve Bruce has said he is available for Jose Mourinho's team at a fraction of Pogba's wages, as long as he can negotiate a less intensive training regime, since he is no longer the spring chicken he was.
More details to follow.
Tuesday 19 July 2016
Olympic soccer does not exist, say experts
The future of football at the Olympic Games was yesterday plunged into doubt after allegations were made that it is nothing but an elaborate hoax.
With a mere fortnight to go before the first men's match is due to be played at the Rio Olympics, over 100 senior media analysts have signed an open letter calling for hard evidence to quash the suspicion that men's football has never actually taken place at the Olympics.
The signatories allege that Olympic football is merely a scam by the IOC in collusion with FIFA, orchestrated to justify travel expenses; the letter goes on to point out that since nobody has ever bothered to watch a single game of Olympic football, the onus is on the IOC to disprove the allegations.
A spokesman for the IOC told Footballs Today he was too hot to comment, but that he would respond to questions after he'd had a nap.
With a mere fortnight to go before the first men's match is due to be played at the Rio Olympics, over 100 senior media analysts have signed an open letter calling for hard evidence to quash the suspicion that men's football has never actually taken place at the Olympics.
The signatories allege that Olympic football is merely a scam by the IOC in collusion with FIFA, orchestrated to justify travel expenses; the letter goes on to point out that since nobody has ever bothered to watch a single game of Olympic football, the onus is on the IOC to disprove the allegations.
A spokesman for the IOC told Footballs Today he was too hot to comment, but that he would respond to questions after he'd had a nap.
Mour to park nuclear bus
Concerned staff at Manchester United have spoken to the press about alarming secret plans by new manager Jose Mourinho.
The unnamed whistleblowers told assembled reporters at Manchester Piccadilly bus station that the temperamental Portuguese supremo intends to implement a nuclear deterrent in defence, inspired by parliament's vote last night to renew Trident nuclear submarines at an estimated cost to the nation of 205 billion pounds.
Members of the club's training staff supposedly met representatives of BAE Systems in order to discuss how to employ the so-called nuclear shield, capable of detecting a strike on goal from deep within the opposition's half.
A direct attack on goal would trigger an explosion large enough to reduce Greater Manchester to a crater, while the ensuing radiation would directly affect most of the UK for many generations to come.
Mourinho is said to have lost faith in goalkeeper David De Gea after his nervous performance against Croatia at Euro 2016.
Critics, including ex-CND chairman Bruce Kent and singer Charlotte Church, have slammed the plans as irresponsible and dangerous. However, football pundit and former cheat Robbie Savage leapt to Mourinho's defence, calling it "undoubtedly effective", before going on to tip the club to win the league.
The unnamed whistleblowers told assembled reporters at Manchester Piccadilly bus station that the temperamental Portuguese supremo intends to implement a nuclear deterrent in defence, inspired by parliament's vote last night to renew Trident nuclear submarines at an estimated cost to the nation of 205 billion pounds.
Members of the club's training staff supposedly met representatives of BAE Systems in order to discuss how to employ the so-called nuclear shield, capable of detecting a strike on goal from deep within the opposition's half.
A direct attack on goal would trigger an explosion large enough to reduce Greater Manchester to a crater, while the ensuing radiation would directly affect most of the UK for many generations to come.
Mourinho is said to have lost faith in goalkeeper David De Gea after his nervous performance against Croatia at Euro 2016.
Critics, including ex-CND chairman Bruce Kent and singer Charlotte Church, have slammed the plans as irresponsible and dangerous. However, football pundit and former cheat Robbie Savage leapt to Mourinho's defence, calling it "undoubtedly effective", before going on to tip the club to win the league.
Tuesday 12 July 2016
Pards wants legs
The FA has had to call in lawyers to determine whether conjoined 'Siamese' twins can be considered a single player after Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew's attempted signing of twins Dale and Denise Dooley.
Lawyers for the club have argued that since the pair cannot be separated by the referee nor sent off individually, they must be recognised as one player.
The Eagles manager is said to be keen to sign the Dooleys as it would add an "extra pair of legs in midfield".
Lawyers for the club have argued that since the pair cannot be separated by the referee nor sent off individually, they must be recognised as one player.
The Eagles manager is said to be keen to sign the Dooleys as it would add an "extra pair of legs in midfield".
Monday 11 July 2016
Time called on penalty shootouts
The internet was abuzz last night with calls to change the format of knockout football competitions, after Portugal were crowned European champions despite winning only one match in regular 90 minutes' play.
Many voices within the world of football feel that inferior teams are increasingly relying on reaching penalty shootouts. Past experiments such as the so-called golden and silver goal were scrapped after it was deemed that teams played even more conservatively for fear of suddenly losing.
Proposed changes include:
- Lead goal: play continues indefinitely until a goal is scored; players may not receive water nor treatment for cramp. In extreme cases the goalkeepers would be the only remaining players.
- Air play: extra time is played as 'headers and volleys', whereby the ball cannot touch the ground. This would give an advantage to the more skilful side.
- Indirect free kick shootout: more tactical than penalties, thereby rewarding better football.
The major international football federations are expected to liaise on the issue over a series of sumptuous dinners, which may take some time.
Many voices within the world of football feel that inferior teams are increasingly relying on reaching penalty shootouts. Past experiments such as the so-called golden and silver goal were scrapped after it was deemed that teams played even more conservatively for fear of suddenly losing.
Proposed changes include:
- Lead goal: play continues indefinitely until a goal is scored; players may not receive water nor treatment for cramp. In extreme cases the goalkeepers would be the only remaining players.
- Air play: extra time is played as 'headers and volleys', whereby the ball cannot touch the ground. This would give an advantage to the more skilful side.
- Indirect free kick shootout: more tactical than penalties, thereby rewarding better football.
The major international football federations are expected to liaise on the issue over a series of sumptuous dinners, which may take some time.
Sunday 3 July 2016
Somme guys have all the luck
A special commemorative football match is being prepared to mark the 100th anniversary of the Battle of the Somme during the First World War.
A British/ French XI will line up against a German XI in a field by the banks of the Somme and play a symbolic match before assembled reporters and dignitaries, including David Pleat, HRH the Prince of Charles and his stepson Prince Harry.
Fashion designers Stella McCartney and Karl Lagerfeld have collaborated on vintage football strip designs that incorporate remembrance poppies alongside the logos of sponsors BAE Systems and ThyssenKrupp, whose predecessor companies were among the major beneficiaries of the conflict.
After the match, the teams will be shot by representatives of their respective military establishments in the spirit of needless slaughter - or freedom, as it has been rebranded.
A British/ French XI will line up against a German XI in a field by the banks of the Somme and play a symbolic match before assembled reporters and dignitaries, including David Pleat, HRH the Prince of Charles and his stepson Prince Harry.
Fashion designers Stella McCartney and Karl Lagerfeld have collaborated on vintage football strip designs that incorporate remembrance poppies alongside the logos of sponsors BAE Systems and ThyssenKrupp, whose predecessor companies were among the major beneficiaries of the conflict.
After the match, the teams will be shot by representatives of their respective military establishments in the spirit of needless slaughter - or freedom, as it has been rebranded.
Wednesday 29 June 2016
England failure due to "multiculturalism"
England's shock defeat to Iceland at Euro 2016 is a wake-up call for the establishment to end its failed multicultural experiment, according to one leading political analyst.
Raymond Cist, from the conservative thinktank MigroWatch, says England's on-pitch communiction breakdown and tactical failure is symptomatic of the ethnic tensions prevalent in modern day Britain:
"One look at the Iceland team makes it apparent they are entirely free of non-European immigrants, meaning they are on the same cultural wavelength and therefore able to coordinate an effective plan of action. In contrast, the England players come from all four corners of the planet. This can lead to range of problems: Muslim players, for instance, are not allowed under sharia law to stand in an offside position prior to free kicks, nor use their left foot. In addition, all the isotonic sports drinks and half-time oranges have to be halal. I don't have a racist bone in my body, but quite frankly I feel it's time to end this insane programme of cultural assimilation."
He also went on to criticise the FA shortlist for Roy Hodgson's replacement as England manager, due to its inclusion of radical Islamic cleric Abu Hamza.
Raymond Cist, from the conservative thinktank MigroWatch, says England's on-pitch communiction breakdown and tactical failure is symptomatic of the ethnic tensions prevalent in modern day Britain:
"One look at the Iceland team makes it apparent they are entirely free of non-European immigrants, meaning they are on the same cultural wavelength and therefore able to coordinate an effective plan of action. In contrast, the England players come from all four corners of the planet. This can lead to range of problems: Muslim players, for instance, are not allowed under sharia law to stand in an offside position prior to free kicks, nor use their left foot. In addition, all the isotonic sports drinks and half-time oranges have to be halal. I don't have a racist bone in my body, but quite frankly I feel it's time to end this insane programme of cultural assimilation."
He also went on to criticise the FA shortlist for Roy Hodgson's replacement as England manager, due to its inclusion of radical Islamic cleric Abu Hamza.
Wednesday 22 June 2016
Campaigners launch FIFA Leave manifesto
Prominent figures from English football yesterday launched a campaign manifesto for the FA to leave FIFA.
Inspired by the referendum on EU membership, the campaigners have outlined their plans to break away from the international governing body of football, describing it as a corrupt, bureaucratic behemoth that no longer represents its members interests.
Speaking at the campaign launch at London's Hard Rock Cafe, ex-Chelsea chairman Ken Bates told reporters and diners:
" We are sick and tired of paying for the Sepp Blatters of this world to swan around at our expense. Are we honestly expected to believe it's a coincidence that Germany keeps winning World Cups while England languishes in the shadows year after year? Enough is enough - we invented this game, and we want it back."
The campaign follows calls from former tennis ace Buster Mottram to restrict the number of unseeded foreign players allowed to enter Wimbledon each year due to concerns over terrorism.
Inspired by the referendum on EU membership, the campaigners have outlined their plans to break away from the international governing body of football, describing it as a corrupt, bureaucratic behemoth that no longer represents its members interests.
Speaking at the campaign launch at London's Hard Rock Cafe, ex-Chelsea chairman Ken Bates told reporters and diners:
" We are sick and tired of paying for the Sepp Blatters of this world to swan around at our expense. Are we honestly expected to believe it's a coincidence that Germany keeps winning World Cups while England languishes in the shadows year after year? Enough is enough - we invented this game, and we want it back."
The campaign follows calls from former tennis ace Buster Mottram to restrict the number of unseeded foreign players allowed to enter Wimbledon each year due to concerns over terrorism.
Monday 20 June 2016
South Africa wanted to host 1986 World Cup
Details have emerged of South Africa's failed bid to stage the 1986 World Cup finals at Sun City.
Newly unclassified documents reveal how the apartheid regime in Pretoria lobbied FIFA to accept Bophuthatswana - the supposedly independent homeland where Sun City was located - as a legitimate country capable of hosting football's premier event. South Africa itself was ineligible to host the World Cup due to suspension from FIFA, but its allies Israel and Malawi added weight to the proposal by having their delegates endorse it.
Chelsea chairman Ken Bates was paid an undisclosed amount of krugerrands to head a hospitality committee; leading FIFA delegates were flown out to Sun City, where they were treated to traditional African massages and music by resort regulars Queen and Rod Stewart.
An exhibition match between Bophuthatswana and a World XI, managed by Don Revie, was arranged but not played after several of the players opted for an elephant hunting trip instead.
However, in light of the international boycott of South Africa and pressure from anti-apartheid campaigners, FIFA decided against further consideration - a decision later described by former FIFA president João Havelange as the greatest regret of his career.
Newly unclassified documents reveal how the apartheid regime in Pretoria lobbied FIFA to accept Bophuthatswana - the supposedly independent homeland where Sun City was located - as a legitimate country capable of hosting football's premier event. South Africa itself was ineligible to host the World Cup due to suspension from FIFA, but its allies Israel and Malawi added weight to the proposal by having their delegates endorse it.
Chelsea chairman Ken Bates was paid an undisclosed amount of krugerrands to head a hospitality committee; leading FIFA delegates were flown out to Sun City, where they were treated to traditional African massages and music by resort regulars Queen and Rod Stewart.
An exhibition match between Bophuthatswana and a World XI, managed by Don Revie, was arranged but not played after several of the players opted for an elephant hunting trip instead.
However, in light of the international boycott of South Africa and pressure from anti-apartheid campaigners, FIFA decided against further consideration - a decision later described by former FIFA president João Havelange as the greatest regret of his career.
Thursday 16 June 2016
Police crackdown on fans of English ref
French police were left stunned when rioting fans in Saint-Étienne ahead of the Czech Republic's clash against Croatia turned out to belong to neither team, but were instead found to be fans of referee Mark Clattenburg, due to officiate the match on Friday evening.
Tear gas was dispersed as Clattenburg's supporters, dressed in black referee shirts, smashed windows and damaged street furniture. Concerns have been voiced that the incident may prevent English match officials from refereeing at major events in future.
Clattenburg himself issued a statement via social media calling on his supporters to behave. He also pleaded with the public to stop confusing referees with priests, due to UEFA's new 'dog collar' design introduced at Euro 2016.
#ref_agro
Tear gas was dispersed as Clattenburg's supporters, dressed in black referee shirts, smashed windows and damaged street furniture. Concerns have been voiced that the incident may prevent English match officials from refereeing at major events in future.
Clattenburg himself issued a statement via social media calling on his supporters to behave. He also pleaded with the public to stop confusing referees with priests, due to UEFA's new 'dog collar' design introduced at Euro 2016.
#ref_agro
EURO 2016 guilty of 'body shaming'
Campaigners today called for an end to body shaming in modern football. Activist Doris Wodger has criticised the media portrayal of body diversity at Euro 2016:
"Without exception, successful footballers are shown to be slim, while beer-swilling hooligans are invariably portrayed as overweight, with all the negative connotations about body image this implies. In this day and age I find it disgusting that such body prejudice is perpetuated by the mainstream media. It is high time we had some fuller-figured footballer role models for young fat people to look up to. In the past we had the likes of Neville Southall, Jan Molby or Jimmy Five Bellies, but in the current climate of body fascism there is no one."
Wodger made the news earlier this month when she called for a boycott of the European Athletics Championships in Amsterdam because long distance runners are all "beanpoles".
"Without exception, successful footballers are shown to be slim, while beer-swilling hooligans are invariably portrayed as overweight, with all the negative connotations about body image this implies. In this day and age I find it disgusting that such body prejudice is perpetuated by the mainstream media. It is high time we had some fuller-figured footballer role models for young fat people to look up to. In the past we had the likes of Neville Southall, Jan Molby or Jimmy Five Bellies, but in the current climate of body fascism there is no one."
Wodger made the news earlier this month when she called for a boycott of the European Athletics Championships in Amsterdam because long distance runners are all "beanpoles".
Sunday 12 June 2016
England opponents tougher than expected
Saturday's action in the European Championship has demonstrated that England faces tougher opposition than expected by media commentators.
England supporters club spokesman Raymond Cist told Footballs Today: "We came to France thinking we'd sail through the group stage, but to our surprise we found some pretty tough opposition from local hooligans, Russian ultras and, of course, the French police, who have an unfair advantage in that they use tear gas, which is not in the spirit of the game, to be honest. However, I'm confident the lads will regroup and show the rest of Europe that we're no pushovers."
Despite England's strong performance in their opening match, Russia caused an upset by equalising in the last minute of stoppage time when a hardcore group of their fans charged at a section of fleeing England supporters.
England supporters club spokesman Raymond Cist told Footballs Today: "We came to France thinking we'd sail through the group stage, but to our surprise we found some pretty tough opposition from local hooligans, Russian ultras and, of course, the French police, who have an unfair advantage in that they use tear gas, which is not in the spirit of the game, to be honest. However, I'm confident the lads will regroup and show the rest of Europe that we're no pushovers."
Despite England's strong performance in their opening match, Russia caused an upset by equalising in the last minute of stoppage time when a hardcore group of their fans charged at a section of fleeing England supporters.
Thursday 9 June 2016
Guide to Euro 2016 betting
On the eve of the European Championship in France, Footballs Today staff writers have compiled some outside betting tips before the action commences:
Paddypower is offering 7/2 on a bomb alert during the opening ceremony
Both William Hill and Betfair are offering 4/1 on an England player being sent home with heatstroke during the group stage
Betfair is offering 17/2 on an Eric Dier own goal being awarded goal of the competition
Bet365 is offering 14/1 on a police marksman accidentally shooting a member of the Turkey squad before the quarter finals
Coral is offering 40/1 and Sky Bet 33/1 on a bomb disguised as a ball exploding during play
888sport is offering 66/1 on Vladimir Putin receiving the Golden Boot
Sky Bet is also offering 66/1 on a French cock mascot mauling a UN goodwill ambassador to death during France's tournament opener against Romania
Paddypower is offering 7/2 on a bomb alert during the opening ceremony
Both William Hill and Betfair are offering 4/1 on an England player being sent home with heatstroke during the group stage
Betfair is offering 17/2 on an Eric Dier own goal being awarded goal of the competition
888sport is offering 66/1 on Vladimir Putin receiving the Golden Boot
Sky Bet is also offering 66/1 on a French cock mascot mauling a UN goodwill ambassador to death during France's tournament opener against Romania
Saturday 28 May 2016
Dier's goal "one of England's best"
Eric Dier's sensational headed goal last night in England's 2-1 victory over Australia in a pre-Euros friendly was lauded by manager Roy Hodgson as possibly the finest under his tenure:
"I thought it was really superb, the way he got down so quickly to plant the ball between the keeper's legs, his reading of the game - remember he'd only been on for a minute: it's certainly one of the most effective substitutions I've made in my career."
The England boss went on to lambast critics for "nitpicking" after several commenters on social media pointed out that Dier's goal was in fact an own-goal.
"I thought it was really superb, the way he got down so quickly to plant the ball between the keeper's legs, his reading of the game - remember he'd only been on for a minute: it's certainly one of the most effective substitutions I've made in my career."
The England boss went on to lambast critics for "nitpicking" after several commenters on social media pointed out that Dier's goal was in fact an own-goal.
Monday 16 May 2016
World continues to laugh at Tottenham
Spurs have cancelled their pre-season trip to Australia at the end of July after receiving a more lucrative offer to appear at a Las Vegas theatre.
A spokesman for the Terry Fator Theatre told Footballs Today they have been inundated with requests to sign up the Tottenham squad after they hilariously failed to secure second place in the Premiership, resulting in their finishing beneath local rivals Arsenal for the 21st consecutive season. The phenomenon is celebrated by Gunners fans each year on St Totteringham's Day: the point at which Tottenham can no longer finish above Arsenal.
Tottenham needed only one point to secure the runners-up spot at already-relegated Newcastle Utd, but in scenes reminiscent of the legendary Keystone Cops somehow managed to ship five goals despite the Magpies going down to ten men after Aleksandar Mitrovic was sent off.
"Tottenham Hotspur FC have demonstrated a deep love and respect for the slapstick genre; we feel they are a natural fit for our matinee performances popular with pre-school audiences. We are currently negotiating a fee with the club for the inclusion of custard pies in their act, and possibly the odd rake they could step on."
A spokesman for the Terry Fator Theatre told Footballs Today they have been inundated with requests to sign up the Tottenham squad after they hilariously failed to secure second place in the Premiership, resulting in their finishing beneath local rivals Arsenal for the 21st consecutive season. The phenomenon is celebrated by Gunners fans each year on St Totteringham's Day: the point at which Tottenham can no longer finish above Arsenal.
Tottenham needed only one point to secure the runners-up spot at already-relegated Newcastle Utd, but in scenes reminiscent of the legendary Keystone Cops somehow managed to ship five goals despite the Magpies going down to ten men after Aleksandar Mitrovic was sent off.
"Tottenham Hotspur FC have demonstrated a deep love and respect for the slapstick genre; we feel they are a natural fit for our matinee performances popular with pre-school audiences. We are currently negotiating a fee with the club for the inclusion of custard pies in their act, and possibly the odd rake they could step on."
Wednesday 4 May 2016
Chelsea players' conduct in the spotlight as world laughs at Spurs
The fallout from the ill-tempered match on Monday between Chelsea and Tottenham continues.
The 2-2 draw, which ended Tottenham's title challenge, saw referee Mark Clattenburg dish out a record 19 yellow cards to Tottenham, including their physio, coach driver and former club legend Steve Perryman.
Clattenburg has been criticised for failing to send off a number of Tottenham players, some of whom are almost certain to receive retroactive bans.
Chelsea players have also been criticised for their incendiary behaviour, with many Twitter users angry at Cesc Fabregas in particular for feigning death during half an hour before a coroner pronounced him alive.
However, many Chelsea supporters have voiced approval of their team's spirited fightback from 2-0 down. Fan club spokesman Raymond Cist said it "brought a tear to my eye to see our players throwing tantrums and haranguing the ref like in the good old days of Mourinho."
The 2-2 draw, which ended Tottenham's title challenge, saw referee Mark Clattenburg dish out a record 19 yellow cards to Tottenham, including their physio, coach driver and former club legend Steve Perryman.
Clattenburg has been criticised for failing to send off a number of Tottenham players, some of whom are almost certain to receive retroactive bans.
Chelsea players have also been criticised for their incendiary behaviour, with many Twitter users angry at Cesc Fabregas in particular for feigning death during half an hour before a coroner pronounced him alive.
However, many Chelsea supporters have voiced approval of their team's spirited fightback from 2-0 down. Fan club spokesman Raymond Cist said it "brought a tear to my eye to see our players throwing tantrums and haranguing the ref like in the good old days of Mourinho."
Saturday 30 April 2016
Terror threat means Euros will be played in secret
UEFA has announced a dramatic change to match arrangements in this Summer's European Championship in France. All matches will be played behind closed doors and later reenacted by actors in front of a live stadium audience.
UEFA has been working in liaison with Europol and other police and security agencies on terrorism prevention, and has decided the risk of a terrorist attack is too great for the actual fixtures to be played in front of the public.
When asked why terrorists wouldn't simply attack the reenacted games, a spokesman for UEFA said that since none of the star players would be present it would be a "bit of a crap target really".
UEFA has been working in liaison with Europol and other police and security agencies on terrorism prevention, and has decided the risk of a terrorist attack is too great for the actual fixtures to be played in front of the public.
When asked why terrorists wouldn't simply attack the reenacted games, a spokesman for UEFA said that since none of the star players would be present it would be a "bit of a crap target really".
Friday 29 April 2016
City v Madrid game to be replayed
UEFA bosses have decided that the recent goalless draw between Manchester City and Real Madrid in the first leg of the Champions League semi-final will have to be replayed.
A spokesman for UEFA said this was due to Cristiano Ronaldo not playing since he was sidelined with an injury. This caused a significant drop in revenue for the broadcasting companies and sponsors, who have demanded a rematch, which they are entitled to under their terms of contract. He also cited the lack of goals, which is unacceptable to a US audience.
0-0 was a good result for Pellegrini's men, for whom a score draw at the Bernabeu would have sufficed in order to secure a place in the final. The news is likely to go down particularly badly with City fans, who already feel they have been unfairly treated by UEFA in the past.
A spokesman for the Manchester City supporters group told Footballs Today it was an outrage that private companies had the power to intervene in the natural course of a football match, and that fans would stage a mass boycott of the rematch.
UEFA head office in Switzerland issued a statement in reply: "A hardcore minority of hooligans well known to Interpol is intent on disrupting this event, which has been demanded by the overwhelming majority of the viewing public. These hooligans have shaved heads and when they drink, they start shouting rubbish out loud. We urge fans of both teams to respect the public's democratic right to be entertained."
A spokesman for UEFA said this was due to Cristiano Ronaldo not playing since he was sidelined with an injury. This caused a significant drop in revenue for the broadcasting companies and sponsors, who have demanded a rematch, which they are entitled to under their terms of contract. He also cited the lack of goals, which is unacceptable to a US audience.
0-0 was a good result for Pellegrini's men, for whom a score draw at the Bernabeu would have sufficed in order to secure a place in the final. The news is likely to go down particularly badly with City fans, who already feel they have been unfairly treated by UEFA in the past.
A spokesman for the Manchester City supporters group told Footballs Today it was an outrage that private companies had the power to intervene in the natural course of a football match, and that fans would stage a mass boycott of the rematch.
UEFA head office in Switzerland issued a statement in reply: "A hardcore minority of hooligans well known to Interpol is intent on disrupting this event, which has been demanded by the overwhelming majority of the viewing public. These hooligans have shaved heads and when they drink, they start shouting rubbish out loud. We urge fans of both teams to respect the public's democratic right to be entertained."
Thursday 28 April 2016
Fulham insider spills the beans on Magath madness
More details have emerged of Felix Magath's disastrous spell as Fulham manager in 2014.
The former German international, notorious in Germany for his tough training methods and unpopularity among players, was brought in to save Fulham from relegation, which he failed to achieve: he was sacked a month into the 2014-15 season after losing every match, amid bizarre rumours of unusual alternative treatments, such as the use of cheese to heal leg injuries.
Now Footballs Today has managed to obtain an exclusive interview with a former junior kit assistant at Craven Cottage, who agreed to meet us at the Golden Lion pub in Fulham.
He told us that during Magath's tenure at the Cottage players who performed badly were made to spend days at a time in isolation tanks, chanting mantras; a corpse was placed in the dressing room on matchdays in order to prevent the atmosphere from becoming chatty and frivolous; Magath's dog - Grappler - was let loose on the training pitch to make players run faster. All the staff, including the club mascot and the stadium announcer, were expected to take part in his rigorous 5 AM training regime.
Magath has repeatedly refused to respond to the allegations, but his secretary told Footballs Today reporters to piss off in no uncertain terms.
The former German international, notorious in Germany for his tough training methods and unpopularity among players, was brought in to save Fulham from relegation, which he failed to achieve: he was sacked a month into the 2014-15 season after losing every match, amid bizarre rumours of unusual alternative treatments, such as the use of cheese to heal leg injuries.
Now Footballs Today has managed to obtain an exclusive interview with a former junior kit assistant at Craven Cottage, who agreed to meet us at the Golden Lion pub in Fulham.
He told us that during Magath's tenure at the Cottage players who performed badly were made to spend days at a time in isolation tanks, chanting mantras; a corpse was placed in the dressing room on matchdays in order to prevent the atmosphere from becoming chatty and frivolous; Magath's dog - Grappler - was let loose on the training pitch to make players run faster. All the staff, including the club mascot and the stadium announcer, were expected to take part in his rigorous 5 AM training regime.
Magath has repeatedly refused to respond to the allegations, but his secretary told Footballs Today reporters to piss off in no uncertain terms.
Tuesday 26 April 2016
Saudi stance on women's football softens
The Saudi Arabian football association has for the first time indicated it is willing to allow women's football in the Islamic-run kingdom, notorious for its poor record on women's rights.
Eager to make international concessions in order to boost its flagging oil-based economy, the Saudi government has agreed in theory to enter a women's team into FIFA.
However, the strict provisions put in place by the Saudis are unlikely to be accepted by FIFA without further amendment. These include playing matches in the dark, compulsory virginity tests for players, and the presence of each player's father on the pitch at all times.
A leading Saudi cleric who had earlier called women footballers a "bunch of lesbians" yesterday retracted his statement after he suffered a serious altercation with a ladies' motorcycle gang.
Eager to make international concessions in order to boost its flagging oil-based economy, the Saudi government has agreed in theory to enter a women's team into FIFA.
However, the strict provisions put in place by the Saudis are unlikely to be accepted by FIFA without further amendment. These include playing matches in the dark, compulsory virginity tests for players, and the presence of each player's father on the pitch at all times.
A leading Saudi cleric who had earlier called women footballers a "bunch of lesbians" yesterday retracted his statement after he suffered a serious altercation with a ladies' motorcycle gang.
Sunday 24 April 2016
Red Devils to be awarded title as tribute to Prince
In a spectacular turn of events, the FA has announced that they intend to party like 1999 in honour of Prince, who passed away this week. This means that Manchester United will be crowned Premier League champions like they were in 1999, despite currently languishing in fifth place, thereby robbing Leicester City of their shock first Premiership title.
A spokesman for Leicester called the decision a "Travesty that demonstrates how the powers that be will use any excuse to prevent an outsider like Leicester from winning the league."
However, United manager Louis Van Gaal said the gesture was a fitting tribute to one of the greats, and that he expected no less.
A spokesman for Leicester called the decision a "Travesty that demonstrates how the powers that be will use any excuse to prevent an outsider like Leicester from winning the league."
However, United manager Louis Van Gaal said the gesture was a fitting tribute to one of the greats, and that he expected no less.
Saturday 23 April 2016
Champions League final could be played in Madrid
Both Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid have indicated that they will refuse to travel to Milan should they win their respective semi-finals and meet in the Champions League final.
The final is due to be held at the San Siro stadium in Milan on May 28th, but the Spanish teams yesterday issued a joint statement saying they will stay in Madrid rather than travel abroad in the event of an all-Madrid final.
The Madrid mayor's office was quick to lend support to the idea, keen for a boost in tourism. A spokesman told reporters:"What's the point in our supporters wasting all that time and money on going to Italy when they could just as well play at home? The match can perfectly well be staged free of charge on neutral ground right here in the park - that way everyone can make a day of it and bring a picnic along." The two clubs later distanced themselves from the mayor's statement, citing fears that a free football match would lead to anarchy; they believe high ticket prices help protect a family environment.
UEFA has yet to comment on the joint statement, but the catering staff at the San Siro are said to be distraught, since they have been practicing cooking paella in case the Spanish sides meet.
The final is due to be held at the San Siro stadium in Milan on May 28th, but the Spanish teams yesterday issued a joint statement saying they will stay in Madrid rather than travel abroad in the event of an all-Madrid final.
The Madrid mayor's office was quick to lend support to the idea, keen for a boost in tourism. A spokesman told reporters:"What's the point in our supporters wasting all that time and money on going to Italy when they could just as well play at home? The match can perfectly well be staged free of charge on neutral ground right here in the park - that way everyone can make a day of it and bring a picnic along." The two clubs later distanced themselves from the mayor's statement, citing fears that a free football match would lead to anarchy; they believe high ticket prices help protect a family environment.
UEFA has yet to comment on the joint statement, but the catering staff at the San Siro are said to be distraught, since they have been practicing cooking paella in case the Spanish sides meet.
Tuesday 19 April 2016
FA 'superdelegates' plan exposed
Footballs Today has obtained leaked documents that reveal the FA's plans to introduce US-style 'superdelegates', whose influence could effectively decide relegation battles.
The so-called superdelegates are comprised of high-ranking FA officials plus assorted club shareholders and representatives from major sports broadcasters, notably Sky Sports.
Approval for the new system is due to be hurried through in a behind-doors meeting, possibly as soon as next week. Should the scheme get the go-ahead, it is expected that at least one of the North East clubs currently facing relegation from the Premier League would stay up at the expense of a smaller club, probably Bournemouth.
The FA refused to speak to our reporters, and have issued a statement denying our allegations.
However, one Bournemouth supporter we spoke to voiced his fears that this sort of corporate meddling might be undermining the integral structure of football, and that the FA was a "bunch of c*nts"; a spokesman for Betfred described the proposed plan as "fantastic news".
The so-called superdelegates are comprised of high-ranking FA officials plus assorted club shareholders and representatives from major sports broadcasters, notably Sky Sports.
Approval for the new system is due to be hurried through in a behind-doors meeting, possibly as soon as next week. Should the scheme get the go-ahead, it is expected that at least one of the North East clubs currently facing relegation from the Premier League would stay up at the expense of a smaller club, probably Bournemouth.
The FA refused to speak to our reporters, and have issued a statement denying our allegations.
However, one Bournemouth supporter we spoke to voiced his fears that this sort of corporate meddling might be undermining the integral structure of football, and that the FA was a "bunch of c*nts"; a spokesman for Betfred described the proposed plan as "fantastic news".
Thursday 14 April 2016
UEFA announces new league competition
UEFA have unveiled plans for another European club competition, the Valiant League, with the winner going on to qualify for the Europa League, one tier above it.
England will enter the 8th, 9th and 10th-placed teams from the Premier League, plus the winner of the FA Trophy.
The competition will provide an excellent showcase for teams from countries not otherwise allotted a guaranteed place in international football, such as Chechnya, Vatican, Jersey and Rockall.
An exclusive TV deal is being negotiated with the Albanian pay-per-view sports channel Albosport, with games expected to be played on Monday mornings.
A spokesman for UEFA told reporters: "Watching fans of mid-table teams get genuinely excited by the Europa League, which is essentially a meaningless kickabout, made us realise that fans of even smaller clubs need the Valiant League, and are prepared to spend money on it."
England will enter the 8th, 9th and 10th-placed teams from the Premier League, plus the winner of the FA Trophy.
The competition will provide an excellent showcase for teams from countries not otherwise allotted a guaranteed place in international football, such as Chechnya, Vatican, Jersey and Rockall.
An exclusive TV deal is being negotiated with the Albanian pay-per-view sports channel Albosport, with games expected to be played on Monday mornings.
A spokesman for UEFA told reporters: "Watching fans of mid-table teams get genuinely excited by the Europa League, which is essentially a meaningless kickabout, made us realise that fans of even smaller clubs need the Valiant League, and are prepared to spend money on it."
Qatar visit report
It's no secret that in the past Footballs Today has been somewhat critical of the arrangements surrounding the World Cup in Qatar 2022. However, having inspected the facilities for ourselves, we now realise that we were wrong to so hastily dismiss the organisation of what may well turn out to be the greatest World Cup ever.
The venues are superb, especially when viewed illuminated at night from the back seat of one of their excellent limousines; the weather is not a problem, since helpful locals are always on hand with towels and refreshing drinks to help visitors cool down; the local fare is exquisite, particularly when enjoyed in the delightful company of the charming and shapely hostesses who seemingly abound in that bijoux peninsular nation.
Workers we spoke to were fairly treated and thrilled to be involved in such a bold project, and were very eager to tell us so as soon as we stepped off the plane, which incidentally had a top-notch sauna and steam room.
Football fans from around the world can rest assured they will receive a warm welcome in Qatar. In fact, they are so friendly they even gave us a brand new Mercedes, which we accepted lest we offend their honour.
It's fair to say that the mainstream media has purposely tarnished Qatar's reputation by portraying it as a money-grubbing feudal hotbed of fundamentalist Islam. The truth of the matter, however, is that Qatar is a modern democracy striving to abolish economic inequality, and one that certainly doesn't send arms to islamic anti-government rebels in Syria, despite some of the nonsense peddled in the gutter press.
Staging the world's greatest sports event in Qatar might seem like a crazy dream, but in the words of John Lennon: "Imagine."
Wednesday 13 April 2016
Odds shorten for Big Ron shock United return
William Hill have updated their odds on who will be next season's manager at Manchester United:
Jose Mourinho 1/4
Ryan Giggs 7/1
Ron Atkinson 15/2
George Galloway 33/1
Simon Cowell 33/1
Darren Ferguson 50/1
Eva Carneiro 100/1
Bashir Al-Assad 100/1
Paul Gascoigne 100/1
Steve McClaren 100/1
The new manager will be announced by Claudia Winkelman during the final of the Great British Sewing Bee on May 16th.
Jose Mourinho 1/4
Ryan Giggs 7/1
Ron Atkinson 15/2
George Galloway 33/1
Simon Cowell 33/1
Darren Ferguson 50/1
Eva Carneiro 100/1
Bashir Al-Assad 100/1
Paul Gascoigne 100/1
Steve McClaren 100/1
The new manager will be announced by Claudia Winkelman during the final of the Great British Sewing Bee on May 16th.
Monday 11 April 2016
Offshore paper trail leads to Harry
Following in the wake of the 'Panama papers', Footballs Today has obtained further leaked documents from a law firm specialising in crime that reveal a tax evasion paper trail leading to Harry Redknapp.
The former Portsmouth manager is understood to have channelled money earned from transfer handling fees into an offshore company, Kickback Solutions, registered on Bouvet Island, an uninhabited Norwegian-owned rock in the South Atlantic, accessible by helicopter only.
Mr Redknapp was today unavailable for comment, but his daughter-in-law, former Eternal singer Louise, told reporters the veteran manager was "straight as an arrow", before heading off to a lunch date at the House of Lords.
The former Portsmouth manager is understood to have channelled money earned from transfer handling fees into an offshore company, Kickback Solutions, registered on Bouvet Island, an uninhabited Norwegian-owned rock in the South Atlantic, accessible by helicopter only.
Mr Redknapp was today unavailable for comment, but his daughter-in-law, former Eternal singer Louise, told reporters the veteran manager was "straight as an arrow", before heading off to a lunch date at the House of Lords.
Huth says Leicester won't run out of puff in title race
Leicester defender Robert Huth has put his personal transformation down to manager Claudio Ranieri's use of calming natural herbs.
The big German, previously known as a giant cheating slugger with anger issues, told High Times that Ranieri's belief in the therapeutic properties of a traditional tropical herbal remedy helped change his violent ways: "When I was at Stoke I used to feel really frustrated and angry at the injustice of the world, but since Claudio arrived at Leicester with his special medicine and his Bob Marley records, I feel like a new man - we all do, except Shinji (Okazaki), who says the herbs make him dizzy."
Ranieri is believed to have promised his squad a holiday in Jamaica should they win the Premier League title.
The big German, previously known as a giant cheating slugger with anger issues, told High Times that Ranieri's belief in the therapeutic properties of a traditional tropical herbal remedy helped change his violent ways: "When I was at Stoke I used to feel really frustrated and angry at the injustice of the world, but since Claudio arrived at Leicester with his special medicine and his Bob Marley records, I feel like a new man - we all do, except Shinji (Okazaki), who says the herbs make him dizzy."
Ranieri is believed to have promised his squad a holiday in Jamaica should they win the Premier League title.
Monday 4 April 2016
Trump would "ban soccer" if president
US presidential nominee Donald Trump has vowed to ban football should he win the elections. The controversial Republican frontrunner told the crowd at a rally in Chigger Creek, Alabama that "Soccer is a girls' game where muslims, communists and wetbacks kick a bomb-shaped ball around until they declare the match a tie. It is everything that stands against American values."
Trump's Democratic counterparts in the presidential race were quick to condemn the tycoon's position: Hillary Clinton said that US ownership of several English Premier League clubs showed football could be a profitable economy-boosting enterprise, pointing out her friend Randy Lerner's success in guiding Aston Villa to the Championship; Bernie Sanders called football the "People's sport" before leading a Mexican wave during a three-hour tribute to Johann Cruyff in New York's Central Park.
Trump's Democratic counterparts in the presidential race were quick to condemn the tycoon's position: Hillary Clinton said that US ownership of several English Premier League clubs showed football could be a profitable economy-boosting enterprise, pointing out her friend Randy Lerner's success in guiding Aston Villa to the Championship; Bernie Sanders called football the "People's sport" before leading a Mexican wave during a three-hour tribute to Johann Cruyff in New York's Central Park.
Thursday 17 March 2016
Spring book bargain sale
To make way for new stock, we're having a Spring clearout of books at Footballs Today. The following titles are all in mint condition and available for 50p:
Fishing With Raoul by Paul Gascoigne
Lay-bys of Britain by David Pleat
My Kind of Breakfast by Ally McCoist
Building a New Christian Nation by Fabio Capello
Stick Them Back on the Banana Boat by Ken Bates
We Are Villa by HRH Prince William, foreword by David Cameron
Me and Jermain by Chantelle Houghton
Let Jesus Be Your Business Partner by Jay-Jay Okocha
Sir Alex Ferguson Armagnac Catalogue vols 1-3
Martin Jol's Guide to Fat Cigars
Fishing With Raoul by Paul Gascoigne
Lay-bys of Britain by David Pleat
My Kind of Breakfast by Ally McCoist
Building a New Christian Nation by Fabio Capello
Stick Them Back on the Banana Boat by Ken Bates
We Are Villa by HRH Prince William, foreword by David Cameron
Me and Jermain by Chantelle Houghton
Let Jesus Be Your Business Partner by Jay-Jay Okocha
Sir Alex Ferguson Armagnac Catalogue vols 1-3
Martin Jol's Guide to Fat Cigars
Leicester too confusing to pronounce for foreign reporters
Sports reporters on TV and radio around the world have been avoiding mention of the English Premier League because they fear ridicule for mispronouncing league leaders Leicester City's name, according to a leading media analyst.
Initially most reporters in the US and Europe had pronounced the name "Lye-chester" until a video went viral by self-styled celebrity pedant Stephen Fry, in which he mocks Americans' mispronunciation.
Now unsure of what to say, most reporters avoid any talk of the surprise leaders who have defied the odds to maintain a five-point lead over Tottenham with nine games left to play.
Some pundits have referred to Leicester by their nickname, the foxes, but they have been advised not to after use of the term led to complaints from rabbit and chicken enthusiasts, who claim it upsets them.
Initially most reporters in the US and Europe had pronounced the name "Lye-chester" until a video went viral by self-styled celebrity pedant Stephen Fry, in which he mocks Americans' mispronunciation.
Now unsure of what to say, most reporters avoid any talk of the surprise leaders who have defied the odds to maintain a five-point lead over Tottenham with nine games left to play.
Some pundits have referred to Leicester by their nickname, the foxes, but they have been advised not to after use of the term led to complaints from rabbit and chicken enthusiasts, who claim it upsets them.
Friday 11 March 2016
Newcastle swoop for ACDC singer
Newcastle Utd are set to replace sacked manager Steve McClaren with Brian Johnson, the geordie lead singer of veteran Australian rockers ACDC, according to club insiders.
It is believed the club have once again decided to turn to a local legend as a morale-booster in their uphill struggle to avoid relegation after Johnson dropped out of ACDC's forthcoming world tour on doctor's orders due to his impaired hearing.
Newcastle owner Mike Ashley is said to have opted for Johnson on learning that his first choice Andy Capp was a fictitious character.
Steve McClaren is expected to accept a lucrative offer to train CIA-backed Islamic rebels in Libya.
It is believed the club have once again decided to turn to a local legend as a morale-booster in their uphill struggle to avoid relegation after Johnson dropped out of ACDC's forthcoming world tour on doctor's orders due to his impaired hearing.
Newcastle owner Mike Ashley is said to have opted for Johnson on learning that his first choice Andy Capp was a fictitious character.
Steve McClaren is expected to accept a lucrative offer to train CIA-backed Islamic rebels in Libya.
Monday 25 January 2016
Pards wants sash back
Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew has called for the immediate reintegration of the club's famous sash into its shirt design. He has blamed the current run of poor results on the modern kit, telling reporters after the weekend's defeat to Tottenham that the team derives strength from its sash.
Pardew is expected to make a multimillion pound swoop for a new kit designer before the January transfer window closes, with Stella McCartney said to be among the frontrunners for the job.
He also said the death of Eagles frontman Glenn Frey may have had an impact on club morale, since Palace are nicknamed the Eagles and have long had a soft spot for the Californian rockers.
Pardew is expected to make a multimillion pound swoop for a new kit designer before the January transfer window closes, with Stella McCartney said to be among the frontrunners for the job.
He also said the death of Eagles frontman Glenn Frey may have had an impact on club morale, since Palace are nicknamed the Eagles and have long had a soft spot for the Californian rockers.
Friday 22 January 2016
Mourinho in embarrassing Barca snub
Footballs Today has seen a leaked copy of a rambling 300-page letter written by Jose Mourinho offering his services to Barcelona FC. Leading psychologists have described it as exhibiting "classic signs of delusion."
The manager, dismissed last year by Chelsea after a spate of poor results, elaborates at length in the letter on his strengths, claiming that "nobody knows how to park the bus or harangue referees anymore in this so-called modern game", before laying out his contract stipulations, which include a yacht bigger than that of Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich.
It is understood that ex-Chelsea and England captain John Terry has been sent by concerned relatives to gently break the news to his former boss that his services are no longer required by top clubs.
Mourinho himself this morning told reporters at his crumbling mansion on Sunset Boulevard that he was 'ready for his close-up'.
The manager, dismissed last year by Chelsea after a spate of poor results, elaborates at length in the letter on his strengths, claiming that "nobody knows how to park the bus or harangue referees anymore in this so-called modern game", before laying out his contract stipulations, which include a yacht bigger than that of Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich.
It is understood that ex-Chelsea and England captain John Terry has been sent by concerned relatives to gently break the news to his former boss that his services are no longer required by top clubs.
Mourinho himself this morning told reporters at his crumbling mansion on Sunset Boulevard that he was 'ready for his close-up'.
Friday 15 January 2016
US players to 'open carry' guns
The USA faces the prospect of being barred from international football competition after the United States Soccer Federation announced it will insist on its players' right to 'open carry' guns.
FIFA rules do not allow assault weapons on the playing field, but leading figures in US sport feel their players are vulnerable to terrorist attacks from foreign teams and fans if left unarmed.
The decision by the USSF comes in the wake of various incidents involving firearms at football matches in the US: Chicago Fire were awarded a penalty after two of their strikers were shot and killed in the penalty area by the Houston Dynamo goalkeeper, whose red card was subsequently rescinded in person by the Governor of Texas; Steven Gerrard was wounded by gunfire during his first training session at LA Galaxy after he was mistaken for a muslim due to his accent.
FIFA rules do not allow assault weapons on the playing field, but leading figures in US sport feel their players are vulnerable to terrorist attacks from foreign teams and fans if left unarmed.
The decision by the USSF comes in the wake of various incidents involving firearms at football matches in the US: Chicago Fire were awarded a penalty after two of their strikers were shot and killed in the penalty area by the Houston Dynamo goalkeeper, whose red card was subsequently rescinded in person by the Governor of Texas; Steven Gerrard was wounded by gunfire during his first training session at LA Galaxy after he was mistaken for a muslim due to his accent.
Monday 4 January 2016
Cameron steps in for Villa
Prime minister David Cameron is set to make a huge donation to his beloved Aston Villa in a desperate attempt to secure their premiership survival by splashing out during the January transfer window.
Cameron is known to be an avid supporter of the club, currently bottom of the premier league with no points and only one goal to their credit: a bizarre 40-yard own goal by Chelsea's Cesc Fabregas.
It is understood the PM has siphoned off money saved on flood defences and disability payments into an emergency Aston Villa rescue fund.
Speaking to fellow diners at London's Hard Rock Cafe, Cameron said he hoped "Aston could sign a player worthy of club legends such as Bobby Moore or Trevor Brooking. Or do I mean Burnley?"
Cameron is known to be an avid supporter of the club, currently bottom of the premier league with no points and only one goal to their credit: a bizarre 40-yard own goal by Chelsea's Cesc Fabregas.
It is understood the PM has siphoned off money saved on flood defences and disability payments into an emergency Aston Villa rescue fund.
Speaking to fellow diners at London's Hard Rock Cafe, Cameron said he hoped "Aston could sign a player worthy of club legends such as Bobby Moore or Trevor Brooking. Or do I mean Burnley?"
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