UEFA has announced a dramatic change to match arrangements in this Summer's European Championship in France. All matches will be played behind closed doors and later reenacted by actors in front of a live stadium audience.
UEFA has been working in liaison with Europol and other police and security agencies on terrorism prevention, and has decided the risk of a terrorist attack is too great for the actual fixtures to be played in front of the public.
When asked why terrorists wouldn't simply attack the reenacted games, a spokesman for UEFA said that since none of the star players would be present it would be a "bit of a crap target really".
footballs today
Saturday 30 April 2016
Friday 29 April 2016
City v Madrid game to be replayed
UEFA bosses have decided that the recent goalless draw between Manchester City and Real Madrid in the first leg of the Champions League semi-final will have to be replayed.
A spokesman for UEFA said this was due to Cristiano Ronaldo not playing since he was sidelined with an injury. This caused a significant drop in revenue for the broadcasting companies and sponsors, who have demanded a rematch, which they are entitled to under their terms of contract. He also cited the lack of goals, which is unacceptable to a US audience.
0-0 was a good result for Pellegrini's men, for whom a score draw at the Bernabeu would have sufficed in order to secure a place in the final. The news is likely to go down particularly badly with City fans, who already feel they have been unfairly treated by UEFA in the past.
A spokesman for the Manchester City supporters group told Footballs Today it was an outrage that private companies had the power to intervene in the natural course of a football match, and that fans would stage a mass boycott of the rematch.
UEFA head office in Switzerland issued a statement in reply: "A hardcore minority of hooligans well known to Interpol is intent on disrupting this event, which has been demanded by the overwhelming majority of the viewing public. These hooligans have shaved heads and when they drink, they start shouting rubbish out loud. We urge fans of both teams to respect the public's democratic right to be entertained."
A spokesman for UEFA said this was due to Cristiano Ronaldo not playing since he was sidelined with an injury. This caused a significant drop in revenue for the broadcasting companies and sponsors, who have demanded a rematch, which they are entitled to under their terms of contract. He also cited the lack of goals, which is unacceptable to a US audience.
0-0 was a good result for Pellegrini's men, for whom a score draw at the Bernabeu would have sufficed in order to secure a place in the final. The news is likely to go down particularly badly with City fans, who already feel they have been unfairly treated by UEFA in the past.
A spokesman for the Manchester City supporters group told Footballs Today it was an outrage that private companies had the power to intervene in the natural course of a football match, and that fans would stage a mass boycott of the rematch.
UEFA head office in Switzerland issued a statement in reply: "A hardcore minority of hooligans well known to Interpol is intent on disrupting this event, which has been demanded by the overwhelming majority of the viewing public. These hooligans have shaved heads and when they drink, they start shouting rubbish out loud. We urge fans of both teams to respect the public's democratic right to be entertained."
Thursday 28 April 2016
Fulham insider spills the beans on Magath madness
More details have emerged of Felix Magath's disastrous spell as Fulham manager in 2014.
The former German international, notorious in Germany for his tough training methods and unpopularity among players, was brought in to save Fulham from relegation, which he failed to achieve: he was sacked a month into the 2014-15 season after losing every match, amid bizarre rumours of unusual alternative treatments, such as the use of cheese to heal leg injuries.
Now Footballs Today has managed to obtain an exclusive interview with a former junior kit assistant at Craven Cottage, who agreed to meet us at the Golden Lion pub in Fulham.
He told us that during Magath's tenure at the Cottage players who performed badly were made to spend days at a time in isolation tanks, chanting mantras; a corpse was placed in the dressing room on matchdays in order to prevent the atmosphere from becoming chatty and frivolous; Magath's dog - Grappler - was let loose on the training pitch to make players run faster. All the staff, including the club mascot and the stadium announcer, were expected to take part in his rigorous 5 AM training regime.
Magath has repeatedly refused to respond to the allegations, but his secretary told Footballs Today reporters to piss off in no uncertain terms.
The former German international, notorious in Germany for his tough training methods and unpopularity among players, was brought in to save Fulham from relegation, which he failed to achieve: he was sacked a month into the 2014-15 season after losing every match, amid bizarre rumours of unusual alternative treatments, such as the use of cheese to heal leg injuries.
Now Footballs Today has managed to obtain an exclusive interview with a former junior kit assistant at Craven Cottage, who agreed to meet us at the Golden Lion pub in Fulham.
He told us that during Magath's tenure at the Cottage players who performed badly were made to spend days at a time in isolation tanks, chanting mantras; a corpse was placed in the dressing room on matchdays in order to prevent the atmosphere from becoming chatty and frivolous; Magath's dog - Grappler - was let loose on the training pitch to make players run faster. All the staff, including the club mascot and the stadium announcer, were expected to take part in his rigorous 5 AM training regime.
Magath has repeatedly refused to respond to the allegations, but his secretary told Footballs Today reporters to piss off in no uncertain terms.
Tuesday 26 April 2016
Saudi stance on women's football softens
The Saudi Arabian football association has for the first time indicated it is willing to allow women's football in the Islamic-run kingdom, notorious for its poor record on women's rights.
Eager to make international concessions in order to boost its flagging oil-based economy, the Saudi government has agreed in theory to enter a women's team into FIFA.
However, the strict provisions put in place by the Saudis are unlikely to be accepted by FIFA without further amendment. These include playing matches in the dark, compulsory virginity tests for players, and the presence of each player's father on the pitch at all times.
A leading Saudi cleric who had earlier called women footballers a "bunch of lesbians" yesterday retracted his statement after he suffered a serious altercation with a ladies' motorcycle gang.
Eager to make international concessions in order to boost its flagging oil-based economy, the Saudi government has agreed in theory to enter a women's team into FIFA.
However, the strict provisions put in place by the Saudis are unlikely to be accepted by FIFA without further amendment. These include playing matches in the dark, compulsory virginity tests for players, and the presence of each player's father on the pitch at all times.
A leading Saudi cleric who had earlier called women footballers a "bunch of lesbians" yesterday retracted his statement after he suffered a serious altercation with a ladies' motorcycle gang.
Sunday 24 April 2016
Red Devils to be awarded title as tribute to Prince
In a spectacular turn of events, the FA has announced that they intend to party like 1999 in honour of Prince, who passed away this week. This means that Manchester United will be crowned Premier League champions like they were in 1999, despite currently languishing in fifth place, thereby robbing Leicester City of their shock first Premiership title.
A spokesman for Leicester called the decision a "Travesty that demonstrates how the powers that be will use any excuse to prevent an outsider like Leicester from winning the league."
However, United manager Louis Van Gaal said the gesture was a fitting tribute to one of the greats, and that he expected no less.
A spokesman for Leicester called the decision a "Travesty that demonstrates how the powers that be will use any excuse to prevent an outsider like Leicester from winning the league."
However, United manager Louis Van Gaal said the gesture was a fitting tribute to one of the greats, and that he expected no less.
Saturday 23 April 2016
Champions League final could be played in Madrid
Both Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid have indicated that they will refuse to travel to Milan should they win their respective semi-finals and meet in the Champions League final.
The final is due to be held at the San Siro stadium in Milan on May 28th, but the Spanish teams yesterday issued a joint statement saying they will stay in Madrid rather than travel abroad in the event of an all-Madrid final.
The Madrid mayor's office was quick to lend support to the idea, keen for a boost in tourism. A spokesman told reporters:"What's the point in our supporters wasting all that time and money on going to Italy when they could just as well play at home? The match can perfectly well be staged free of charge on neutral ground right here in the park - that way everyone can make a day of it and bring a picnic along." The two clubs later distanced themselves from the mayor's statement, citing fears that a free football match would lead to anarchy; they believe high ticket prices help protect a family environment.
UEFA has yet to comment on the joint statement, but the catering staff at the San Siro are said to be distraught, since they have been practicing cooking paella in case the Spanish sides meet.
The final is due to be held at the San Siro stadium in Milan on May 28th, but the Spanish teams yesterday issued a joint statement saying they will stay in Madrid rather than travel abroad in the event of an all-Madrid final.
The Madrid mayor's office was quick to lend support to the idea, keen for a boost in tourism. A spokesman told reporters:"What's the point in our supporters wasting all that time and money on going to Italy when they could just as well play at home? The match can perfectly well be staged free of charge on neutral ground right here in the park - that way everyone can make a day of it and bring a picnic along." The two clubs later distanced themselves from the mayor's statement, citing fears that a free football match would lead to anarchy; they believe high ticket prices help protect a family environment.
UEFA has yet to comment on the joint statement, but the catering staff at the San Siro are said to be distraught, since they have been practicing cooking paella in case the Spanish sides meet.
Tuesday 19 April 2016
FA 'superdelegates' plan exposed
Footballs Today has obtained leaked documents that reveal the FA's plans to introduce US-style 'superdelegates', whose influence could effectively decide relegation battles.
The so-called superdelegates are comprised of high-ranking FA officials plus assorted club shareholders and representatives from major sports broadcasters, notably Sky Sports.
Approval for the new system is due to be hurried through in a behind-doors meeting, possibly as soon as next week. Should the scheme get the go-ahead, it is expected that at least one of the North East clubs currently facing relegation from the Premier League would stay up at the expense of a smaller club, probably Bournemouth.
The FA refused to speak to our reporters, and have issued a statement denying our allegations.
However, one Bournemouth supporter we spoke to voiced his fears that this sort of corporate meddling might be undermining the integral structure of football, and that the FA was a "bunch of c*nts"; a spokesman for Betfred described the proposed plan as "fantastic news".
The so-called superdelegates are comprised of high-ranking FA officials plus assorted club shareholders and representatives from major sports broadcasters, notably Sky Sports.
Approval for the new system is due to be hurried through in a behind-doors meeting, possibly as soon as next week. Should the scheme get the go-ahead, it is expected that at least one of the North East clubs currently facing relegation from the Premier League would stay up at the expense of a smaller club, probably Bournemouth.
The FA refused to speak to our reporters, and have issued a statement denying our allegations.
However, one Bournemouth supporter we spoke to voiced his fears that this sort of corporate meddling might be undermining the integral structure of football, and that the FA was a "bunch of c*nts"; a spokesman for Betfred described the proposed plan as "fantastic news".
Thursday 14 April 2016
UEFA announces new league competition
UEFA have unveiled plans for another European club competition, the Valiant League, with the winner going on to qualify for the Europa League, one tier above it.
England will enter the 8th, 9th and 10th-placed teams from the Premier League, plus the winner of the FA Trophy.
The competition will provide an excellent showcase for teams from countries not otherwise allotted a guaranteed place in international football, such as Chechnya, Vatican, Jersey and Rockall.
An exclusive TV deal is being negotiated with the Albanian pay-per-view sports channel Albosport, with games expected to be played on Monday mornings.
A spokesman for UEFA told reporters: "Watching fans of mid-table teams get genuinely excited by the Europa League, which is essentially a meaningless kickabout, made us realise that fans of even smaller clubs need the Valiant League, and are prepared to spend money on it."
England will enter the 8th, 9th and 10th-placed teams from the Premier League, plus the winner of the FA Trophy.
The competition will provide an excellent showcase for teams from countries not otherwise allotted a guaranteed place in international football, such as Chechnya, Vatican, Jersey and Rockall.
An exclusive TV deal is being negotiated with the Albanian pay-per-view sports channel Albosport, with games expected to be played on Monday mornings.
A spokesman for UEFA told reporters: "Watching fans of mid-table teams get genuinely excited by the Europa League, which is essentially a meaningless kickabout, made us realise that fans of even smaller clubs need the Valiant League, and are prepared to spend money on it."
Qatar visit report
It's no secret that in the past Footballs Today has been somewhat critical of the arrangements surrounding the World Cup in Qatar 2022. However, having inspected the facilities for ourselves, we now realise that we were wrong to so hastily dismiss the organisation of what may well turn out to be the greatest World Cup ever.
The venues are superb, especially when viewed illuminated at night from the back seat of one of their excellent limousines; the weather is not a problem, since helpful locals are always on hand with towels and refreshing drinks to help visitors cool down; the local fare is exquisite, particularly when enjoyed in the delightful company of the charming and shapely hostesses who seemingly abound in that bijoux peninsular nation.
Workers we spoke to were fairly treated and thrilled to be involved in such a bold project, and were very eager to tell us so as soon as we stepped off the plane, which incidentally had a top-notch sauna and steam room.
Football fans from around the world can rest assured they will receive a warm welcome in Qatar. In fact, they are so friendly they even gave us a brand new Mercedes, which we accepted lest we offend their honour.
It's fair to say that the mainstream media has purposely tarnished Qatar's reputation by portraying it as a money-grubbing feudal hotbed of fundamentalist Islam. The truth of the matter, however, is that Qatar is a modern democracy striving to abolish economic inequality, and one that certainly doesn't send arms to islamic anti-government rebels in Syria, despite some of the nonsense peddled in the gutter press.
Staging the world's greatest sports event in Qatar might seem like a crazy dream, but in the words of John Lennon: "Imagine."
Wednesday 13 April 2016
Odds shorten for Big Ron shock United return
William Hill have updated their odds on who will be next season's manager at Manchester United:
Jose Mourinho 1/4
Ryan Giggs 7/1
Ron Atkinson 15/2
George Galloway 33/1
Simon Cowell 33/1
Darren Ferguson 50/1
Eva Carneiro 100/1
Bashir Al-Assad 100/1
Paul Gascoigne 100/1
Steve McClaren 100/1
The new manager will be announced by Claudia Winkelman during the final of the Great British Sewing Bee on May 16th.
Jose Mourinho 1/4
Ryan Giggs 7/1
Ron Atkinson 15/2
George Galloway 33/1
Simon Cowell 33/1
Darren Ferguson 50/1
Eva Carneiro 100/1
Bashir Al-Assad 100/1
Paul Gascoigne 100/1
Steve McClaren 100/1
The new manager will be announced by Claudia Winkelman during the final of the Great British Sewing Bee on May 16th.
Monday 11 April 2016
Offshore paper trail leads to Harry
Following in the wake of the 'Panama papers', Footballs Today has obtained further leaked documents from a law firm specialising in crime that reveal a tax evasion paper trail leading to Harry Redknapp.
The former Portsmouth manager is understood to have channelled money earned from transfer handling fees into an offshore company, Kickback Solutions, registered on Bouvet Island, an uninhabited Norwegian-owned rock in the South Atlantic, accessible by helicopter only.
Mr Redknapp was today unavailable for comment, but his daughter-in-law, former Eternal singer Louise, told reporters the veteran manager was "straight as an arrow", before heading off to a lunch date at the House of Lords.
The former Portsmouth manager is understood to have channelled money earned from transfer handling fees into an offshore company, Kickback Solutions, registered on Bouvet Island, an uninhabited Norwegian-owned rock in the South Atlantic, accessible by helicopter only.
Mr Redknapp was today unavailable for comment, but his daughter-in-law, former Eternal singer Louise, told reporters the veteran manager was "straight as an arrow", before heading off to a lunch date at the House of Lords.
Huth says Leicester won't run out of puff in title race
Leicester defender Robert Huth has put his personal transformation down to manager Claudio Ranieri's use of calming natural herbs.
The big German, previously known as a giant cheating slugger with anger issues, told High Times that Ranieri's belief in the therapeutic properties of a traditional tropical herbal remedy helped change his violent ways: "When I was at Stoke I used to feel really frustrated and angry at the injustice of the world, but since Claudio arrived at Leicester with his special medicine and his Bob Marley records, I feel like a new man - we all do, except Shinji (Okazaki), who says the herbs make him dizzy."
Ranieri is believed to have promised his squad a holiday in Jamaica should they win the Premier League title.
The big German, previously known as a giant cheating slugger with anger issues, told High Times that Ranieri's belief in the therapeutic properties of a traditional tropical herbal remedy helped change his violent ways: "When I was at Stoke I used to feel really frustrated and angry at the injustice of the world, but since Claudio arrived at Leicester with his special medicine and his Bob Marley records, I feel like a new man - we all do, except Shinji (Okazaki), who says the herbs make him dizzy."
Ranieri is believed to have promised his squad a holiday in Jamaica should they win the Premier League title.
Monday 4 April 2016
Trump would "ban soccer" if president
US presidential nominee Donald Trump has vowed to ban football should he win the elections. The controversial Republican frontrunner told the crowd at a rally in Chigger Creek, Alabama that "Soccer is a girls' game where muslims, communists and wetbacks kick a bomb-shaped ball around until they declare the match a tie. It is everything that stands against American values."
Trump's Democratic counterparts in the presidential race were quick to condemn the tycoon's position: Hillary Clinton said that US ownership of several English Premier League clubs showed football could be a profitable economy-boosting enterprise, pointing out her friend Randy Lerner's success in guiding Aston Villa to the Championship; Bernie Sanders called football the "People's sport" before leading a Mexican wave during a three-hour tribute to Johann Cruyff in New York's Central Park.
Trump's Democratic counterparts in the presidential race were quick to condemn the tycoon's position: Hillary Clinton said that US ownership of several English Premier League clubs showed football could be a profitable economy-boosting enterprise, pointing out her friend Randy Lerner's success in guiding Aston Villa to the Championship; Bernie Sanders called football the "People's sport" before leading a Mexican wave during a three-hour tribute to Johann Cruyff in New York's Central Park.
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